


Perfection

by Actual_steverogers_trash



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Age Difference, BDSM, Bondage, Bottom Steve Rogers, Brock Rumlow is a horrible person, Bucky Just Wants Steve, Dom/sub, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, Obsession, Past Rape/Non-con, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Rape/Non-con Elements, Size Kink, So does Sarah, Stalking, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve just wanted an art commission, Student Steve Rogers, Top Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2019-08-17 17:21:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 33
Words: 60,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16520723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_steverogers_trash/pseuds/Actual_steverogers_trash
Summary: Bucky is in love with Steve. The second he laid eyes on that blonde angel he knew he was the one. His soulmate. It doesn't matter that Steve resists. It doesn't matter that he's 12 years younger than him. It doesn't matter that he has a girlfriend. Steve was his. And nothing was going to get in between them. Nothing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So I’m posting a fic I wrote on my fanfic.net account on here too. Idk, I’m barely getting feedback from over there and thought I might have some better luck on here. I’ll be posting a new chapter every two days up until the most recent chapter, then it’ll take however long it takes from me to write it :P anyways I hope you all enjoy! (smut starts at chapter 11 if that’s all you guys care about)

_Bucky's POV_

Bucky knew what he felt was real. The second his eyes landed on that slight college boy, sitting in the corner of that coffee shop, he knew they belonged together, they were soulmates. The beautiful boy was sketching on one of those fancy computer drawing pads and drinking a medium vanilla latte, occasionally taking a bite out of a blueberry scone. The angel's golden blonde bangs hung over his focused blue eyes, his pen gently gliding over the drawing pad, adding large curls to a very primitive sketch of a woman. He looked so beautiful, yet strangely familiar. Probably just a coincidence or deja vu.

"Hi, what would you like?" Bucky snaps out of his daze and looks over at the friendly barista.

"Large black coffee." He orders quickly as she types it into the cash register.

"That'll be 3.67."

He pulls a 5 out of his pocket and hands it to her, she takes it and pours the cup of coffee.

"5 dollars for $3.67... that comes out to... 1 dollar and 33 cents in change." She says as she tries to give him the change.

"Keep it." He mumbles before quickly taking his drink and walking over to the angel, "Hello." He greets quietly, no response. He frowns before realizing the boy has earbuds in. He then taps his shoulder, the angel tenses up and accidentally draws a dark green stripe across the drawing, he quickly clicks the undo button and pauses his music.

"Y-Yes?" He stammers, still trying to recover from his little scare.

"What's your name?" Bucky questions as the angel looks up at him.

"St-Steve." He mumbles, blushing a bit.

"I'm James, but call me Bucky." He introduces, sitting down next to him. He notices Steve scooch his chair over a little and move his things a little farther away.

"Is there something you need?" He asks, before realizing it came out a bit rude, "Sorry, I've just got to get this assignment done by 5 o'clock sharp, my professor will take off 10 percent of my grade for every minute its late." He explains as Bucky continues to watch him.

"You're very good at drawing." He compliments, taking a sip of his coffee. Steve looks down and smiles a bit, blushing. Bucky smiles back, "How old are you?"

"19." His angel answers as Bucky looks at him. He wasn't going to let the conversation die.

"I'm 31."

Steve nods and begins to put his earbuds back in. Bucky grabs his hand to stop him.

"You're so cute... are you doing anything later?"

He notices Steve begin to blush again.

"I'm flattered, but I have a girlfriend..."

"Is it because I'm 12 years older than you?" He asks bluntly. Steve shakes his head.

"No, its because I have a girlfriend-"

"You like men, I'm never wrong about these things-"

"Well I like women too, and I have a girlfriend. She's the one I'm drawing." Steve asserts as Bucky continues to watch him.

"Where can I see more of your work?"

_Steve's POV_

He was starting to feel uncomfortable. Asking to see more of his art? What the fuck kind of request is that? Especially from a complete stranger. Sure, he had a Tumblr account open to commissions, but there was no way in hell he was going to give it to this creep.

"I don't like to share it publicly."

"Isn't the whole point of being an artist to share your work?" Bucky questions as Steve looks at him a bit longer.

"Can I please just go back to my work?" He asks, not caring if he sounded rude or not. Bucky's pleasant look fades and he stares at him. After a few seconds of that he stands up and turns around. Good, finally some peace-

_*thump!*_

Steve's bag falls off the table and its contents fall onto the floor.

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" Bucky squeaks as he instantly begins to help pick everything up. Okay, maybe he wasn't so bad. He begins to help pick things up as well, after another small awkward conversation between the two of them, he finally thinks of a good enough excuse to leave. After another minute of forced conversation, Steve quickly heads back to his dorm. Something about Bucky was just... unnerving.

* * *

Steve sat in his dorm room, chuckling softly as he sat on Facetime with Peggy.

"I can't wait for you to come back." He mutters as the brunette sighs and tucks a loose piece of hair behind her ear.

_"One more week... my dad is still recovering from his surgery, although I probably could come back now if he wasn't so... whiney."_ She comments in annoyance before noticing Steve's expression change from content to sad, _"Oh, no, that was so insensitive... I'm sorry."_

"It's okay... he's been gone for 7 years." He assures with a sad smile. She returns it before hearing someone calling her name in the background.

_"Oh... I have to go. I love you."_

"Love you too..."

She ends the call and Steve sighs, leaning back in his chair. He lets his mind wander and it eventually settles on Bucky. Maybe he was just socially awkward and terrible at flirting. Or maybe he reacted to him the same way he reacted when he first met Peggy. Either way there was probably no need to be alarmed. His thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing on the desk. He reaches for it and looks at the notification. Someone wanted to pay for a commission.

"Let's see what we have here..." He mumbles as he opens the app. No one had sent him a request in 2 months, so he was especially excited when he read it was an NSFW commission, he could charge so much more for those.

**_Steve: Thank you so much for the commission! I haven't gotten one in months_ **

Almost immediately after he presses send, he gets a reply.

_**SGTBarnes: No problem! I just discovered you and love your work!** _

_**Steve: Thank you, people like you are what's keeping me from going completely broke :P #collegeproblems** _

_**Steve: Oml that was so cringey I'm sorry** _

_**SGTBarnes: Haha, well I'm happy to help, how much will it cost exactly?** _

_**Steve: For a colored, detailed NSFW work, around 100** _

_**Steve: I know that sounds kind of expensive, if I don't color it, the price can drop to 75** _

_**SGTBarnes: Only 100? Your art should be in a museum its so good! I won't pay any less than 250.** _

Steve's eyes widen as he rereads the message multiple times, not believing what he was seeing.

**_SGTBarnes: Are you still there?_ **

**_Steve: Yes_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Good_ **

There's a long silence, Steve not knowing what to respond with

_**Steve: Is there a time that you want it by?** _

**_SGTBarnes: No_ **

**_Steve: Really? Usually customers have a time contraint_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Quality over quickness :)_ **

He chuckles a bit.

_**Steve: Ok, well I've got an art history test I need to study for. DM me if you have any more questions or requests** _

_**SGTBarnes: Sounds good, goodnight angel** _

_**Steve: g'night** _

Angel? What in god's name was that supposed to mean? He tries to shrug it off before going to reach for his textbook. That guy may be weird, but he's willing to pay double what he was asking for. No use in dwelling on it. He opens the book and starts to study, the thought of the commissioner and Bucky being pushed to the back of his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... so I lied when i said I was gonna post a chapter every two days. Getting positive feedback from my fics is like an actual fucking drug for me that I forgot I had an addiction to. So I'm gonna post a new one every day (up until the point where I actually need time to write them of course)

_Steve's POV_

"I still don't understand why your mom didn't just pay for you to go to art school." Nat comments as she and Steve walk through the busy courtyard and towards the food hall.

"Because she wants me to have other skills outside art." He mumbles as they quickly stop to let a girl who clearly overslept sprint past them towards the science building, papers flying out of her hands as she scrambles to pick them up.

"Other skills? Has she seen your schedule? The least artsy thing you take is photography." She remarks. Steve shrugs as they walk into the cafeteria and get some food.

"I'm probably gonna take a writing class next year, maybe get some story commission along with the art ones."

"Oh, speaking of those, how are those going? Have you gotten any new ones?"

"I haven't been getting that many recently, but I did just get one last night."

"Oh, cool, how much are you charging?"

"I wanted to do 100, but he insisted 250."

Nat drops her fork in shock, "Shut the fuck up Rogers."

He chuckles and shakes his head, "I'm dead serious."

"Did they say why?"

"Hold on, let me find the chat." He says as he goes onto his phone and scrolls through the chat, "His exact words were 'Only 100? Your art should be in the' sorry, ' _a_  museum its so good! I won't pay anything less than 250'" He quotes as Nat chuckles a bit.

"Someone has a secret admirer."

"Heh, not so secret..." He mutters, he smile now faded as he read the end of the conversation again. She notices his change in attitude and frowns.

"What's wrong?"

He looks up at her and shakes his head, "I-Its nothing-"

She pulls his phone out of his hands and reads the last couple of text boxes, "He called you an angel?"

Steve quickly takes his phone back and jams it in his pocket.

"He's paying me twice what I asked for... he can call me whatever he wants..." He mumbles, going red in the face. She watches him suspiciously.

"Have you met anyone weird lately? Like... anyone that just made you uncomfortable?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Because I know stalker-like behavior when I see it, you know about what I've been through... "

"No one's stalking me Natasha."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"But you didn't answer my-"

Steve grabs his tray and stands up, walking over to a different table and continuing to eat, passive-aggressively refusing to look in her direction. She sighs and walks over to him. He's about to stand up again until she pushes him back down onto the seat, "Stay."

He doesn't look up as he mutters, "No one's stalking me."

"So I take it you did run into someone shady?"

He sighs and takes a sip of his water, "Just a socially awkward guy that tried to hit on me in a coffee shop yesterday. I think he just panicked and accidentally came off really forward."

"Forward?"

"Well, first off, he's 31 and wasn't scared off by the fact I'm 19. Then when he asked me to do something, I told him about Peggy and he kept trying to figure out the 'real' reason I said no. Eventually he left. I haven't seen him since."

"He just left?"

"Yeah." Steve says quickly, not wanting to continue the conversation. Nat looks at him for a couple more seconds, before sighing and letting it go.

"Speaking of Peggy, when's she getting back? I'm starting to miss that spitfire." Nat comments.

"Her dad's still recovering from his surgery. She'll be back in about a week."

"Another week? Hasn't she been gone for a month?"

"Yeah."

"Is her dad going to be okay-"

"Yeah, can we not talk about this?"

"Fine."

They sit in silence for a couple minutes, before Steve's phone goes off. 1 new message from...

"Oh shit..."

"What?" Nat asks curiously as she looks over at his phone.

"SGTBarnes just asked me to get some coffee..."

"What are you going to say?"

"I'm in a happy, healthy relationship, what do you think?" He questions sarcastically.

"Okay, geez, I was just making sure."

Steve rolls his eyes before responding.

**_Steve: Thanks for the offer, but I'm actually in a relationship_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Please! No one has to know, I just want to meet up and talk, you seem like a really nice guy._ **

**_Steve: Wait, you wanted it to be platonic?_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Yeah, I just want to talk and see how far you've gotten with the work_ **

**_Steve: Oh, well then I guess we could. Do you live in Brooklyn?_ **

**_Steve: Or anywhere in New York really_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Brooklyn :)_ **

**_Steve: Okay, cool, does the Starbucks in the shopping center near the college campus around 2:15 sound good?_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Of course_ **

**_Steve: Then I'll see you thdre_ **

**_Steve: *there_ **

He looks up and notices Nat staring at him.

"That seemed a little long just to say no."

"He said he just wants it to be platonic."

"How do you think Peggy would react if she found out you were going out to get coffee with a guy you're doing a porn commission for and called you his angel?"

"You underestimate her-"

"She shot you with a BB gun for accidentally kissing another girl."

"Are you really going to tell her?" Steve questions, a hint of betrayal in his voice. Nat sighs and shakes her head.

"Not if you let me go with you."

"Go with me?"

"I won't butt into your conversation. I'll just be on my phone keeping an eye on you."

He rolls his eyes, "And then you'll leave me alone?"

"Promise."

"Fine." He sighs before going onto his phone to text the commissioner.

_**Steve: Hey, is it alright if I bring my friend tomorrow?** _

_**SGTBarnes: No** _

_**Steve: What do you mean 'no'?** _

_**SGTBarnes: I just want it to be us** _

_**Steve: She's just going to be on her phone the entire time** _

_**SGTBarnes: Can't she do that alone?  
** _

**_SGTBarnes: I just really want some alone time with you_ **

**_Steve: Okay... I'll just lie and say you canceled_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Really?_ **

**_Steve: Sure_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Thank you so much!  
_ **

**_Steve: No problem :)_ **

**_SGTBarnes: See you tomorrow angel_ **

Steve stares at his phone for a bit. The word 'angel' just unsettled him. But this guy seemed harmless enough, he was going to be close to the school. It was going to be fine.

"So,where am I going with you tomorrow?" Nat questions as Steve looks up at her and shakes his head.

"Actually he just canceled."

"Really?"

"Yeah... apparently he forgot about a doctor's appointment."

"Oh. Well since you're free, want to get some lunch?"

"Would an early lunch work?"

"Sure, why?"

"I think I might want to stop by and say hi to my mom tomorrow afternoon, maybe get dinner with her." He lies. He felt bad using his lonely widowed mother as an alibi to go meet up with some slightly unnerving guy from the internet, but that was the only believable excuse he could think of in the moment. Maybe he would stop by her apartment afterwards. Either way he was lying to the world's best lie detector, praying she wouldn't catch on. He begins to pack up, trying to keep his gaze on his backpack.

"Oh, well say hi to her for me."

He stands up and throws it over his shoulder, "Will do."

He quickly walks out and pulls out his phone again, looking at the chat and swallowing hard. He had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, like something wasn't right. It was probably just unjustified paranoia, so he slides his phone back into his pocket and head towards his next lecture, unconsciously glancing over his shoulder.

_Bucky's POV_

He couldn't believe it. It was too good to be true. After finding out his angel's name was Steve Rogers. He did some research and found his personal instagram, which lead him to an art account, which then lead him to his Tumblr. And now thanks to that they were reuniting, and now Steven even lied to his friend for him! He sighs happily and begins to look through Steven's instagram once again, using his thumb to block out his girlfriend in the pictures she was in.

"Peggy, huh?" He mutters as he looks at the 1-year-anniversary picture Steve had posted not too long ago. He did admit she was really pretty and seemed to treat him well, but Bucky would treat him better. He glares at the picture for a bit longer before turning off his phone and rolling over in his bed, trying to get some rest. Tomorrow was a big day.


	3. Chapter 3

_Bucky's POV_

He had made sure to get to the coffee shop 10 minutes early. He orders for Steve. A medium vanilla latte and a blueberry scone, the same thing his angel ordered when they first met. He sits down and waits, slowly sipping his own drink as he stared at the door. Waiting. He looks down at his phone impatiently, seeing that Steve was already 6 minutes late. He goes onto Tumblr and quickly messages him.

_**Bucky: Where r u?** _

There's a good 6 minute delay before Steve finally answers.

_**Angel: Family emergency** _

_**Angel: Have to cancel** _

_**Angel: sorry last minute** _

Bucky clenches his fist, anger rising in his throat. Today. TODAY HE HAD TO HAVE A FUCKING FAMILY EMERGENCY. NOT JUST TODAY BUT RIGHT BEFORE THEY MET UP?

_**Bucky: What happened?** _

It better be pretty damn important.

Steve responds after another 13 minutes.

**_Angel: My mom just got the flu. I'm at her apartment taking care of her_ **

His angel's weak old mom decided her immune system didn't want to work anymore and now his coffee date was canceled. He mentally added Steve's mother to the same list Peggy was on.

**_Bucky: How old is your mom?_ **

**_Angel: 41_ **

For some reason that age clicked in his mind, he couldn't figure out why.

**_Bucky: Your mom is 41 and has a 19 y/o son?_ **

**_Angel: yeah, y?_ **

**_Bucky: Slut_ **

_Steve's POV_

Slut? Did this guy just call his mother a fucking slut? Steve clenches his jaw angrily, nearly shaking with rage as he read the word over and over.

**_Steve: Excuse you?_ **

**_SGTBarnes: I'm the oldest in my family and my mother had me when she was 36_ **

**_Steve: Why does that fucking msttef?_ **

**_Steve: *matter_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Because my angel shouldn't have been a mistake_ **

**_Steve: I wasn't a mistake you fucking creep_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Who wants a kid at 22?_ **

**_SGTBarnes: And I'm not a creep, I just love you_ **

Steve tries to control his breathing, glaring at the screen. He didn't even know how to respond, especially to the second part. Nat was right. He shouldn't have said yes to meeting up. And he also couldn't help the paranoia that something wasn't what it seemed.

"Steven?" Steve looks up from his phone and turns around, seeing his mother walking up to him in concern, "Are you alright?"

"Y-Yeah, you should go lay down. I'll get you some water-"

"I don't need water. I'm asking you again if you're alright." Sarah insists as Steve nods again.

"Yes, I'm just a little stressed out with classes is all." He lies with a reassuring smile. She sighs and goes up to her son, tilting his chin up and brushing the hair out of his face.

"You're looking more and more like your father everyday." She murmurs, giving him a tearful smile. Steve chuckles a bit and shakes his head.

"Dad was a military officer, I'm just a scrawny art major."

"I know... but your face." Sarah scans his face carefully, tracing it with her finger gently, "Your nose... your jaw... the proportions all match up..."

Steve gives her a sad smile.

"I miss him too mom."

She takes a shaky breath and holds him close.

"We would've been married for 20 years in Octob-"

"Hey mom?" Steve cuts her off before gently pulling away, "I'm sorry but I really don't want to think about dad right now..."

"What?" She questions in disbelief.

"I mean, I still miss him and all... but there are times when I'm feeling nostalgic and times when I'm not and I...I just don't really want to think about this right now. Plus I know you're just getting a little emotional because you're sick..." He says carefully. Sarah tears up a bit and backs away.

"O-Oh, okay..."

"I'm sorry-"

"No, no, I understand... I get it..."

Steve gives his mother a sad smile, before feeling his phone buzz in his pocket.

"How about we get you back to bed." He says, not bothering to look at his phone as it buzzed again.

"Steven I've rested enough-"

"You need rest, _nurse_."

Sarah rolls her eyes and smiles.

"Where was that caution when you ate a raw egg on a dare and got salmonella?"

Steve blushes furiously, "I was peer pressured into drinking at that party. Plus I was 13 and an idiot."

Sarah shakes her head in mock-shame.

"I still can't believe the son  _I_  raised got drunk when he was 13."

Steve reciprocates his mother's eye roll as his phone buzzed once more in his pocket.

"I have to go do some homework. I'll check up on you tomorrow." He says as his phone keeps buzzing. Sarah goes up and hugs him gently, before pulling away and cupping his face, kissing him on the forehead.

"You still look like your father." She says with a light grin, before Steve steps away with a well meaning smirk.

"Bye mom."

The teen grabs his jacket and steps out into the hallway. He takes out his earbuds and puts them in his ears. He pulls out his phone to turn on Spotify when noticing 12 new messages from SGTBarnes. He frowns at the notifications before turning on the music and opening up Tumblr.

_**SGTBarnes: So sorry I called your mom a slut** _

_**SGTBarnes: If she raised you she must be an amazing person** _

_**SGTBarnes: I hope she feels better** _

_***** after 30 seconds*_

_**SGTBarnes: Hello?** _

**_SGTBarnes: Love?_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Please respond_ **

_*after 15 seconds*_

**_SGTBarnes: Stop ignoring me_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Steve?_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Steve answer_ **

**_SGTBarnes: ???_ **

**_SGTBarnes: ANSWER_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Please_ **

Steve raises an eyebrow. He half didn't want to respond, but soon remembered this guy was paying 250 dollars for a non-time constricted commission. He honestly couldn't afford to lose that.

_**Steve: I was at my mom's** _

_**Steve: And how do you...** _

He stops typing when he notices SGTBarnes start to type. He backspaces and waits for the response.

_**SGTBarnes: How is she?** _

_**Steve: Fine. How do you know my name? I didn't tell you** _

_**SGTBarnes: I found your art account on ig** _

Steve blinks a couple of times. How did he find his art account. The blood drains from his face when he realizes he could find his personal account from the art one and quickly logs onto instagram and changes his personal from public to private. He didn't want this guy snooping around his personal life. He goes back to the Tumblr DM and reads over their last couple of conversations again.

**_SGTBarnes: So are we still on for coffee?_ **

**_Steve: No_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Why not?_ **

**_Steve: Because you called my mother a slut_ **

**_SGTBarnes: I apologized!_ **

**_Steve: And you promised it would be platonic but then said you loved me, I don't fucking know you_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Please just meet with me and give me a chance_ **

**_Steve: I told you I have a girlfriend!_ **

**_SGTBarnes: Oh come on, do relationships at 19 really last?_ **

Steve doesn't respond to that. He angrily jams his phone back into his pocket and makes his way back to his dorm, ignoring the rapid buzzing in his pocket.

_Bucky's POV_

Steven was starting to get on his nerves. Why wouldn't he just accept his love? He tries to go back onto his sweetie's instagram and is dismayed by the fact that its now private. That didn't matter though. He just needed to find out where his angel went to high school, find an old acquaintance, make sure they weren't on social media, then request to follow. Piece of cake.


	4. Chapter 4

_Steve's POV_

When Steve woke up the next morning and checked his phone, the absolute last thing he thought he'd see was a request from Iam Groot to follow him on Instagram. He had nearly forgot the guy had existed. They were barely acquaintances in middle and high school. He never really had a problem with the guy, they just never really fell in the same group of friends. Or in Steve's case lack there of. He goes onto the account and notices there were no pictures, but at the same time Iam was following a lot of their other former classmates, so he shrugs it off and presses accept before putting his phone down and getting ready for the day. Just as he peels off his shirt he gets a knock at the door, making him jump.

"Wh-Who is it?" He stammers, scrambling to throw his shirt back on. The door unlocked and he gasped as it swung open, "Peggy?!"

Peggy sets down her bag and chuckles as Steve tackles her into a hug, still shirtless.

"Hello darling." She murmurs, hugging back gently. Steve pulls away and goes to put his shirt on.

"I thought you weren't coming back for another 5 days!"

"I got an early flight, I really needed to get back. You don't understand just how  _rainy_ it is in London." She looks Steve up and down with a grin, "And I missed you."

Steve smiles and goes up to her, leaning up to kiss her. She leans down and their lips lock sweetly, after a couple of seconds Peggy pulls away and pulls her bags into the room before closing the door behind her.

"How have you been?" She questions with a smile, before noticing some of her lipstick rubbed off on Steve's lips, making her laugh. Steve tries to wipe it off in vain before sitting on his bed and smiling up at her.

"Not bad, how about you? How's your family doing?"

"Oh they're all fine. What about your mother?"

"She's caught the flu, I went over to see her yesterday and she seems to be holding up."

"Oh, well I hope she feels better soon."

Steve smiles at her and gently pulls her onto the bed, kissing her again.

"I missed you so much..."

Peggy gives him a sad smile and presses their foreheads together;

"I missed you too."

They stay like that for a bit, grinning widely before Steve's phone buzzes rapidly, making him groan and look over.

"Who is it?" Peggy questions curiously as Steve's eyes scan the screen.

"Its... its nothing."

She frowns at him. He sighs before showing her his screen.

_**SGTBarnes: How's the commission going?** _

_**SGTBarnes: Can I see the progress?** _

_**SGTBarnes: Have you started coloring yet?** _

_**SGTBarnes: Is it how I asked?** _

_**SGTBarnes: I want the angel to be bound in a specific way** _

_**SGTBarnes: I can send a reference if u want** _

"Is this your commissioner?"

"Yeah."

"He's coming on a bit strong don't you think?" She questions as Steve nearly laughs.

"You have no idea."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry, its nothing." He tries to assure. Peggy looks at him suspiciously.

"Can I see what you've gotten done?" She questions as Steve nods and goes to his computer. He logs on and goes to his art program and pulls up one of the many tabs. Peggy walks up behind him and places her head on his shoulder as he clicks on it and the commission appears. The brunette's eyes widen as they land on the half done drawing, "Ummm, Steve?"

"Yeah?" He questions as he pulls out his drawing pad and begins to add a little more shading to the slightly opened lips.

"Why does that look like you?" She asks, her brown eyes scanning over the lustful gaze of the angel as he looked up at a man out of frame, his strong hand cupping his cheeck. Steve shrugs a bit.

"He said he wanted a small, pale, blonde haired blue eyed angel, it was an easy reference. Plus he doesn't know what I look like so its fine."

"Okay... but why didn't you just draw a generic white boy?" He shrugs again, Peggy frowns and continues to look at the drawing, "So you didn't find it at all strange drawing yourself in women's lingerie, arms locked behind your back with metal restraints, and kneeling in front of an off screen person with a look at looks like you want him to drill you into the ground?"

"Peg, this is my work that I'm getting paid for. Just let me do it."

"I know but-"

"But what?"

"Steve, I don't want anything to happen to you."

Steve frowns at that a bit;

"I'm 19 Peggy, stop treating me like I'm a naive 12 year old. God you and Nat just have to leave me alone and trust me."

She frowns back, crossing her arms;

"Sometimes you  _act_  like a naive 12 year old-"

"Fuck off." He snarls as Peggy glares at him.

"Fine." She turns around to grab her bags, "I'll talk to when you stop PMSing."

"I'll do the same with you." He quips back as Peggy slams the door behind her. Steve sighs angrily before picking up his phone and snapping a picture of the work and sending it to the commissioner.

_**Steve: Here's what I have so far** _

_Bucky's POV_

He was scrolling through Steve's art instagram with a smile when he gets a notification of a sent photo and message. He quickly goes to Tumblr and nearly moans in delight at the grainy picture. His angel drew himself. This was a dream come true.

_**Bucky: This is fucking incredible** _

_**Bucky: When is it going to be done?** _

_**Angel: Hopefully in the next 24 hours :)** _

_**Bucky: That's so great, thank you** _

_**Angel: Well you are paying over double what I asked for** _

_**Bucky: Consider it tripled** _

Okay, he may have been a little  _too_  generous with that statement. But his angel deserved it. He deserved the world. There was a good 3 minute delay before the next response.

**_Angel: I can't accept that. I'm sorry that's too much for a commissioned art piece done by a college_ ** **_sophomore_ **

**_Bucky: No I want you to have it_ **

**_Angel: I can throw in another work? Or maybe a story to go with the picture_ **

**_Angel: I just can't accept almost 400_ **

**_Bucky: Take it_ **

**_Angel: I genuinely can't_ **

**_Bucky: Take it or I'll cancel the commission altogether_ **

Even though it was grainy, he could definitely get by on that picture. Maybe even commission someone else to finish it. There was another minute long pause before Steve finally responds.

**_Angel: I'll have it done in 2 hours_ **

**_Bucky: Take your time, I want it to be good_ **

**_Angel: 2 hours_ **

He nods a bit before closing the app and going onto Instagram again and smiling as he looked through Steve's work. After staring at each work for a good 30 seconds each, he decides to go onto his angel's personal account. For all Steve knew, he was his former classmate.

"Oh sweetie... you're so cliche." He chuckles softly, very slowly scrolling through the artsy shots of sunsets and rain, his group of friends, things like that. After about an hour and a ton of semi-unnecessary pictures later he gets to Steve's high school graduation picture. He grins widely at that, seeing how much Steve beamed as he held his diploma. He looked so proud. Bucky opens up the comments, frowning at the ones from bullies. His eyes land on one that could only be from Steve's mother and read through it.

**_@Sarogers76: I love you sweetie. I wish your father could see you now, he would be so proud_ **

**_Angel: @sarogers76 Thanks :) I miss him too_ **

He raises an eyebrow at that. Was Steve's father dead? He nearly shakes in anger. Steve was so good, why would the universe take away his father? He grits his teeth before continuing to scroll through, making a mental note to find out how and when his angel's father died. He keep scrolling and realizes that Steve posted a lot more now then he did in high school. After about another 15 minutes he stumbles on a picture that makes his blood run cold.

"No..." He mumbles in denial, quickly throwing down his phone and backing away. He takes a couple deep breaths before warily picking the phone back up and staring at a picture in absolute horror.

It was a very cute picture of a Polaroid. Steve looked around 7 or 8, smiling widely as he held up a fish on a fishing rod. But that wasn't the part of the picture he cared about. It was the man next to him that sent chills throughout his body. He quickly reads the caption '3 years ago today. I love you dad.'

"Lieutenant Rogers...?" He whimpers. No... Steve couldn't be...

_"I've got a son back home. Sweetest little boy you'll ever meet."_

Fuck. That's why he looked familiar.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so let me kinda explain the end of the Bucky portion. The only thing we really know about Steve's dad in the MCU is that he died while fighting in WW1, so he died in action in this fic when Steve was in his preteens, and bc of the age difference Bucky was old enough to enlist, yeah yeah yeah. They knew each other and there's gonna be a lot more on that coming up. (also the pic is from an actually really good episode of Avengers Assemble called House of Zemo, I almost cried during it and I'm a hardass)


	5. Chapter 5

_**Bagdhad, Iraq: 2010** _

_A group of young soldiers were chatting excitedly in the middle of a couple of barracks. New recruits for the war in Iraq. It was nearly 100 degrees out but they all remained fully clothed in an attempt to impress the higher ups that were bound to come over at any minute. One of the men was Bucky, A bright eyed, short haired, baby faced Bucky. He was making small talk with another soldier next to him before a whistle blew and they all straightened up as 2 men walked up to them. He notes one of them that seemed different. The first one reminded him of his drill sergeant at boot camp. Disapproving looks, arms folded behind his backs, and a face that screamed I'm your superior and I know more. But the other one was different. Not only was he much younger, probably only a couple years older than himself, and he just gave off this extremely warm and friendly demeanor, smiling at the recruits instead of glaring. This guy was definitely new to a position of power._

_"Stand at attention!" The clear leader snarls as they all straighten up, "I'm Colonel Phillips, I assume your drill sergeant back home told you I was in charge of your unit?"_

_"Yes sir!" All the recruits bark in unison._

_"That's good, you listen." Colonel Phillips looks over at the other man, who stepped up a bit, "This is Lieutenant Rogers, he'll be the one in charge of you on the daily. Waking you up on time, those sorts of things."_

_"Like a babysitter?" One of the recruits questions as they all look over at him, "We're adults, we don't need a guy barely older than us telling us what to do."_

_Lieutenant Rogers raises an eyebrow before walking over to the soldier._

_"What's your name?" He questions, all of the sudden much more intimidating. It was almost like he flipped an internal switch from civilian to soldier._

_"Gilmore Hodge sir." The soldier answers, saying 'sir' with a mocking tone. Obviously very proud of himself, he smirks a bit. Lieutenant Rogers straightens up a bit more and nearly chuckles._

_"You really think sassing your commanding officer is a good idea on the first day?" He questions, getting really close to the younger man's face._

_"What are ya gonna do about it?" Hodge quips back with a smirk. Rogers just smiles and doesn't break eye contact._

_"I can do so much about it." He warns with a surprisingly calm voice. Hodge quickly breaks eye contact and Bucky couldn't help but grin a little. That was impressive._

_"Yes sir." He mumbles, keeping his eyes glued to the ground. Rogers nods and takes a step back._

_"I thought so."_

_Colonel Phillips watches with a wide grin;_

_"And this is why we put him in charge of you men."_

_Rogers chuckles and walks back over to the colonel. Bucky watches with a small blush. God he hated his homosexuality sometimes. He couldn't help it, men were just cute. And that one was the cutest. And the way he told off Hodge holy shit. Lieutenant laughs at something Colonel Phillips says and turns slightly as Bucky's heart nearly stops. His gaydar was beeping. His gaydar was fucking beeping._

**New York: Present**

Bucky needed to see Steve again. Not just the instagram pictures, not just DMing on Tumblr, no. He needed to physically be near him, to hold him close and tell him his father was the best person he ever had the pleasure of meeting. Steve needed to comforted and loved. Bucky quickly goes onto Tumblr and goes to his DM.

_**Bucky: Hi, so I was thinking that since you want to get me the piece really early, we could just meet up and I could pay you in person, then maybe go out for lunch** _

Bucky's genuinely surprised at how fast Steve gets back to him.

**_Angel: I'm free around 4?_ **

**_Angel: Want to meet up at the diner a couple blocks down from the coffee shop we first thought of?_ **

**_Bucky: That sounds amazing. Thank you so much._ **

**_Angel: :)_ **

The brunette couldn't fight back the smile forming on his lips. He also couldn't help the tears of joy forming in his eyes. He was going to see his angel again in less than 2 hours. He had to get ready. He had to take a shower, straighten his hair- or maybe just let it stay wavy? No, it looked better straight. Oh! Maybe straighten it but put it up in a bun- God he was just so excited.

_Steve's POV_

"So let me get this straight. You're going out to eat with some creepy dude you met on the internet just to spite your girlfriend who  _just_  got back from a stressful vacation and only wants what's best for you?" Sam questions as he plays around with a football and stares at Steve in surprise.

"Yes." He responds through gritted teeth and he lifts up his shirt and slathers his underarms with deodorant.

"Man, you're a petty little twink." He laughs as Steve turns around and shoots him a glare, but doesn't respond.

"Don't call me a twink." He mumbles as he leans over his desk to unplug his laptop.

"Hey, I only say the truth."

"Well the truth is that I don't like you calling me a twink." Steve quips back, before grabbing his phone and going over to the mirror to comb his hair a bit. Sam looks at him with a concerned frown.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He questions as Steve sighs.

"I already canceled once, it'd be rude to do it again."

"So what? Make something up."

Steve groans and looks at Sam through the mirror;

"But I already told him I could go, and I can't cancel a half hour before."

"You're too polite Cap."

"For the love of god can you stop calling me that." Steve groans as Sam laughs.

"As soon as I forget the time you got drunk on Captain Morgan at Stark's party, I'll stop calling you that." He grins as Steve slides his laptop into it's bag and slings it over his shoulder.

"Bye Sam." He says before walking out the door and closing it behind him. He takes a deep breath before putting in his earbuds and walking to the elevator and pressing the button to go to the ground floor. He walks out onto campus, and then out onto the street towards the diner. He feels a buzz in his pocket and pulls out his phone to see a text from Nat.

_**Nat: Hey, u want to go see a movie?** _

_**Steve: Can we catch one around 6?** _

**_Nat: Thinking more like 4:30, I'm bored now :P_ **

**_Steve: Sorry, I'm actually busy atm_ **

**_Steve: Sam's in our room if you want to go with him_ **

**_Nat: Ur busy? Doing what?_ **

**_Steve: Going out to eat_ **

**_Nat: By urself?_ **

**_Steve: Peg and I got into a fight earlier_ **

**_Steve: Just want to be alone_ **

**_Nat: I guess that makes sense_ **

**_Nat: Want me to meet u?_ **

**_Steve: No its ok_ **

**_Nat: U sure? I wont tell her anything u said_ **

**_Steve: It's fine :)_ **

**_Nat: Ok, I guess Ill see u at 6_ **

**_Steve: Sounds good_ **

Steve shoves his phone back into his pocket before continuing on his walk.

_Bucky's POV_

Bucky looks around and fixes his collar as he impatiently waits for Steve. He was 20 minutes early, but he just wanted to make sure he beat his angel there. He glances down at his watch and sees it's 3:52. He taps his foot and begins to bite his nails, nervous and excited all at once. That's when he saw him. Steve was wearing a pair of jeans, gym shoes, and a blue sweater that almost swallowed him whole. His heart flutters and he straightens up a bit, before pulling out his phone and texting Steve.

**_Bucky: I'm standing outside, the one with the bun and leather jacket_ **

He watches as Steve pulls out his phone and reads it, before looking up and their eyes meet. Bucky grins widely, but Steve freezes in place like a dear in headlights.

"Steven! Over here!" He chirps, instead of responding, Steve takes a step back before turning around and sprinting away, "Steven wait!" He yells as he begins to chase after him. After about 15 seconds Bucky grabs Steve's arm and pulls him back, "Why did you try to run away?" He asks, hurt. Steve takes a couple of deep breaths before digging into his bag and pulling out an inhaler. He quickly uses it before holding his chest in pain.

"A-Are you alright?" He asks in concern as Steve stumbles away.

"What the fuck?! How did you find me?!" He snarls, still trying to recover from his asthma attack.

"Well, w-when your bag fell in the cafe I noticed your binder said your name. S-So I looked you up and found... I-I'm so sorry." Bucky stammers, bright red, "I couldn't stand the idea of never seeing you again," he reaches for Steve's arm and holds it gently, "You're just so pretty... like your father."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Instead of constantly doing these disclaimers, I just wanna say in advance that everything will be explained in future chapters. The gaydar thing mainly, but yeah. I'll see you guys tomorrow!


	6. Chapter 6

_Steve's POV_

Steve didn't know how to respond. His brain barely even registered the words;

"What did you just say?" He mutters quietly, staring at Bucky with eyes as wide as saucers.

"Your father! Lieutenant Joseph Rogers, 107th Infantry. I-" Bucky cuts himself off before digging into his bag and pulling out a purple heart, "I was on the same base as him! I was there when he..." He trails off before looking down and running his thumb over the shiny medal. Steve continues to stare at him.

"Y-You knew my father?"

Bucky swallows hard and slides the medal back into his pocket;

"Y-Yes..."

Steve takes a step back and his breath quickens;

"I-Is that why you wouldn't leave me alone? Because you knew my father?"

Bucky shakes his head;

"I didn't know you were his son at the time. But I thought you were just so pretty... now I know why." He gently lifts Steve's chin up and cups his cheek with his hand, "You have his face."

He pulls his head back and moves away a bit. Bucky was trying to be sweet, but it definitely came off more creepy than anything else.

"Please don't call me or my dead father pretty, and I need to go fix the commission." Steve states, finally realizing Bucky would know that he drew the angel as himself.

"Why? I'm sure its incredibl-"

"I just need to change up the face a bit now that I think about it-"

"But your face is perfect." Bucky interrupts with a smile. Steve's blood runs cold. Right. He already sent the progress picture, "Come on, lets go inside and get something to eat. We can look at the art together and I can pay you."

Steve blushes hard at that. He really didn't want to look at it with Bucky,  _especially_  in a public setting. Not that he wanted to be in a private setting with him either;

"O-Okay."

"Great!" Bucky chirps as they walk back over to the diner, Steve's hand wrapped around his phone in case he needed to make a quick excuse to leave.

They get inside and sit down as a waitress walks over to them, Steve lights up when he sees her;

"Hi Angie." He greets as she hands them a couple of menus and smiles back at him.

"Steve! I haven't seen you in forever, how've you been?"

"Pretty good, lonely the past month with Peggy out of town."

"Oh yeah I'll bet, how long until she comes back?"

"She actually got back early, she flew in this morning." Steve explains as Angie perks up.

"Really? Oh well if you don't mind I might steal her when my shift is over."

They both laugh a bit and Steve nods.

"Yeah, I think she missed you too."

She looks over and notices Bucky awkwardly watching them.

"Oh who's this?"

"Oh, this is Bucky, he's one of the guys that pays me for art." He explains as Bucky holds out his hand, which Angie shakes.

"Right, your art thingys. Hi I'm Angie Martinelli, his girlfriend is one of my best friends." She introduces as Bucky nods.

"James Barnes, I only let some people call me Bucky." He says as Angie blinks a couple of times, unsure how to respond as Steve buries his face in his hands.

"Okay...  what can I get for you two?"

"Can I just have a strawberry banana smoothie?" Steve questions as Angie nods and writes it down.

"Sure thing, what about for you?" She questions, turning to Bucky.

"Yeah, an order of mozzarella sticks for the table and a cheeseburger with everything on it?" He asks as she writes that down as well, "Anything to drink?"

"Just a water is fine." He responds as she writes that down as well before taking the menus back.

"Okay, you're orders'll be right up." She says before walking back towards the kitchen, leaving the two alone. Bucky moves over to Steve's side of the booth;

"So do you want to show me the work now? I've got the..." He trails off, reaching into his bag and pulling out a very impressive wad of cash, handing it to Steve, who stared at it in shock, taking it gently.

"Y-Yeah... just give me a minute, I'll show you after all the food gets here."

Bucky frowns a bit;

"But I want to see it now."

"I know but I don't want her to come back and see-"

"One strawberry banana smoothie and one wat...er..." Angie says as she comes back, noticing they were on the same side of the booth. Steve chuckles nervously;

"Just...Just don't question it."

The waitress giggles a bit and shakes her head;

"As long as you aren't being disloyal." She says before tapping Bucky on the shoulder playfully, "You're mozzarella sticks and burger should be out soon."

"O-Okay... thank you." He mumbles as she walks away, "Okay now show me."

Steve sighs before pulling out his tablet and logging on, glancing around nervously. He goes into an nsfw folder and pulls up the commissions folder inside of it. He takes a deep breath before going to open it, but stops, looking up at Bucky warily;

"You said the reason I'm attractive is because I have my father's face?"

"Yes." He responds impatiently. Steve flips the tablet over and places it face down on his lap, staring at Bucky straight in the eye.

"Did you have a crush on my dad?"

"Of course I did! Just about every gay soldier on the base did! Plus he admitted he was bi curiou-"

Steve stands up and starts to leave, face burning. Bucky was lying, his dad wasn't... he would've known if... his mom would've told him after he came out. 

"Hey! You have to show it to me-

"I'll email it later." Steve snarls, not turning around. That is until a hand wraps around his wrist and yanks him back.

_**Bagdhad, Iraq: 2010** _

_"Is it just me or Lieutenant scary in the best way possible?" Falsworth commented as Dum Dum perks up._

_"Yes! The way he got all up in Hodge's face-"_

_"Some of us are trying to sleep." Gabe groans from the top of his bunk, rolling over._

_"And some of us are straight." Jim adds, giving the two a small glare, "You do you but I want to look Lieutenant in the eye tomorrow."_

_"Just put in some earbuds." Falsworth dismisses as Bucky walks into the room, freshly showered._

_"What did I miss?"_

_"Oh we're just talking about Rogers." Dum Dum explains as Bucky's face lights up._

_"He's so hot right?!" He whisper yells like a preteen girl at her first slumber party._

_"Yes! I'd let him toss my salad any day of the-"_

_"If I die young bury me in satin, lay me down on a, bed of roses." Jim sings, trying to tune them out as he fumbles with this ipod._

_"Great song to sing the first night on a military base." A voice bemusedly interrupts as they all look up to see Lieutenant Rogers leaning on the doorway and watching them with a smirk._

_"Oh! I-Is there something you need sir?" Bucky stammers, silently praying he didn't hear the first part of the conversation._

_"No, I just like stopping by and getting to know the new recruits as soon as I can. Your dorm is the closest to mine." He chuckles slightly, "Can I come in?"_

_"Of course sir."_

_"Sir's too formal. You call Colonel Phillips 'sir'." He interrupts as Bucky nods and looks over at the others nervously. Rogers laughs a bit and shakes his head, "Yikes, I'm sorry, I sound like the dad who's trying too hard to be cool."_

_That gets a small laugh from all of them._

_"Then what do we call you not-sir." Falsworth questions as Lieutenant chuckles a bit at that._

_"I know I should say Rogers, but just call me Joseph if you want." He he lets out a large breath, "Wow now I really sound like a desperate parent. Which I guess makes sense."_

_"Why?" Dum Dum questions as Joseph looks over at him._

_"I've got a son back home." He explains, smiling a bit to himself._

_"Oh really? How old is he?" Bucky inquires._

_"11, going on 12. He's the sweetest little boy you'll ever meet."_

_"Wait, you have a 12 year old son? But you're so young." Falsworth comments as Joseph shrugs._

_"My wife and I knew each other growing up and got married when we were 21, then we decided why wait and had a son a year later."_

_"Didn't you want to live your life together before having kids?" Bucky questions, genuinely curious._

_"Well, we thought about it... but we decided we might as well have a child young and still have energy instead of waiting until we're old. Besides, he'll be out of the house by the time we're 40, plenty of time for ourselves." He explains, before looking down in thought, "Okay, but we are thinking about another one when I come home for good- you know what, let's not talk about me anymore, I want to know about all of you..."_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, I'm so sorry guys. I somehow just completely forgot to update yesterday and actually almost forgot today too lmao. I'll post twice tomorrow to make up for it :)

_Bucky's POV_

He couldn't let Steve leave. He just couldn't. So he pulls Steve back. He knew it was probably a bad idea but he didn't care to be honest.

"Stay." Bucky says sternly. Steve tries to pull his arm back, panic clear in his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing?" He snips, struggling and failing to pull away.

"I said stay." He warns, eyes darkening a bit. He hated scaring his angel, but it was the only way.

"Bucky let go." Steve hisses, continuing to struggle. A couple people notice and one of the waiters walks up to them.

"Is there a problem here?" He questions as Bucky finally lets go of Steve's arm;

"Not at all." He answers, looking over at Steve with a small smile. He doesn't return it.

"Yeah. I'm good." Steve dismisses, rubbing his wrist a bit where Bucky held onto it. Angie walks out with the food and spots the two of them, walking over to them in confusion.

"I, uh, I have your food. What's going on?" She questions, putting the plate on the table. Steve goes into his wallet and pulls out a 5 dollar bill, handing it to her;

"For my smoothie, keep the change, I was just leaving." He explains as she takes the bill.

"O-Okay, thanks. I'll see you later." She stutters as Steve walks out of the building, "Well, I have your food." She says, turning to Bucky, who shook his head.

"Not hungry anymore." He hands her 20 dollars, "Probably too much but just take it." He quickly tries to follow Steve out, but he was long gone in a crowd of people. He sighs in frustration before kicking the sidewalk in anger and storming back to his apartment. He gets inside and slams the door behind him. He paces back and forth for a little bit before clenching his jaw and punching the couch, causing the cushion to fly up and land on the coffee table, knocking over the tv remote and a couple of magazines.

"GODDAMMIT!" Bucky snarls, sitting down at the kitchen table and jamming his face into his hands. He shouldn't have mentioned the lieutenant. Why on Earth did he think that was a good idea?! Of course Steve would be creeped out by that. And grabbing his arm? He huffs in frustration as he thinks of all the better ways that meeting could have gone. He goes to his junk drawer and pulls out a notepad and pen, flipping past a couple of pros and cons lists before drawing a new one on a blank page.

"Pros... and cons..." He murmurs as he writes down the words. Those were the one dumb thing he allowed himself. He liked making pros and cons lists so he could learn for the future.

"Pros... we got to see each other again." He mumbles as he writes it down, "I got to touch him..."

Those were the only pros he could think of. He moves over to the cons half and sighs before leaning down to write;

"Called him 'pretty' one to many times... Mentioned his father... Grabbed his arm..." He takes a deep breath before realizing something. This wasn't all his fault. Steve was just as at fault as he was, "Steven gave me attitude for being nice..." he scribbles that down quickly, "He didn't show me the piece that I paid  _triple_  for..." He puts the pen and paper down, now just verbally ranting to himself, "He tried to fucking run away when he saw me- HE WALKED OUT ON OUR DATE!" He hisses even louder. He takes a couple of deep breaths before thinking back on their first encounter.

_"You're so cute... are you doing anything later?"_

_"I'm flattered, but I have a girlfriend..."_

_"Is it because I'm 12 years older than you?"_

_"No, its because I have a girlfriend-"_

_"You like men, I'm never wrong about these things-"_

_"Well I like women too, and I have a girlfriend. She's the one I'm drawing."_

Then it dawned on him. Bucky nearly laughs at how obvious it was now. Steve was insecure. He was in denial that he was gay, so he tried to hide it with a beard. With  _Peggy_.

"Insecure." He mutters, leaning back in his chair. Steve was just insecure. He grins widely before standing up and going to fix the coffee table and put the couch cushion back in place, still smiling to himself. Oh what he would do for Steve to make him feel comfortable in his own skin. Whisper sweet nothings into the shy boy's ear. Slowly undress him, giving careful attention to every inch of his small frame. Lay gentle kisses across his pale shoulders and up his neck. Let him know he was loved, he was safe.

Bucky looks down and notices he was starting to harden just at the thought. He groans slightly as his mind finally wanders to the actual act. He would never just fuck Steve- oh no, he would make love. Sweet, passionate love. He would press his chest to the blonde's back and have a mirror set up so he could still see his face. Oh god just the thought of Steve's face made his dick stand at attention. Golden hair sticking to his face with sweat, beautiful stormy blue eyes glazed over, mouth open and panting loudly.

He stands there just thinking for a couple of moments until shaking his head and looking over at his phone on the counter, smiling a bit to himself.

_Steve's POV_

Steve takes a deep breath as he gets back to his dorm, closing and locking the door behind him. He goes to his bed and sits down, feeling queasy. Bucky knew his father? Not just knew him, but was there when he died. He swallows hard before looking out the window, watching a couple people toss a frisbee and picnic out in the warm sun. There was a knock at the door that made him jump a bit.

"Who is it?"

"Peggy."

Steve gets up and unlocks the door, he walks back over to his bed and watches as the brunette walks in. She gives him a sad smile and closes the door behind her.

"Hello."

"Hi."

She sighs a bit and goes to sit next to him.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I was just stressed out from my month in hell, then *heh* you were right about the PMSing- just... I'm sorry I got mad." She mutters as Steve watches her and sighs.

"Me too... you we're right..." He mumbles as Peggy furrows her brows.

"How so?"

"I... and please don't get mad... I just met up with the commissioner about 20 minutes ago-"

"What?!" She interrupts, going from zero to one hundred in a second.

"I regret it okay!" He quips back, "I really, really regret it."

Her expression softens again and turns more into a look of concern.

"What did he do?"

"He didn't- well you kinda need some background to the situation. I didn't want to tell you about it because you were already stressed out from your 'month of hell', but this older guy flirted with me a couple days ag-"

"What?! How much older?!"

"He said he was 31."

"A 31 year old man flirted with a 19 year old college student?"

"Well... yeah. And he was kind of assertive, but I was able to get him to back off." He explains as Peggy listens to him in extreme interest, "Anyway, he found out my name, looked me up and anonymously contacted me to do the piece."

"The one where you drew yourself?" She questions as Steve looks down sheepishly.

"Yes... then it didn't occur to me until we met up that he would know it was my face, but it was too late. Oh, also Angie says hi. She was our waitress." He adds as Peggy smiles slightly.

"Right I forgot to call her... Back to your story."

"He, um, made some weird advances. Then when I tried to leave he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go." He explains, keeping the part about his father to himself.

"Wait, Steve, do you have a... a  _stalker_ -"

"I wouldn't call him a 'stalker'-"

"Then what would you call him?"

"Socially awkward and has a crush? Peg do you remember what I did when I first met you?" Steve questions as Peggy nearly chuckles at the memory, before going serious again.

"I highly doubt this man asked you if you were okay after walking into a door and he clammed up between saying 'good' and 'okay' so he just said 'I'm gay'."

Steve goes a dark red and looks down.

"Peg, he's not a stalker-"

"You don't know tha-"

"Stop!" He lashes out, chest heaving angrily, "I know you're just trying to look out for me but god fucking dammit Peggy! I don't have a fucking stalker!"

Peggy just glares at him before standing up;

"I came here to apologize." She hisses, before going towards the door. Steve sighs a bit and goes to put a hand on her shoulder.

"Wait..."

She stops, but doesn't turn around, hand still on the handle.

"I'm sorry..."

She opens the door and leaves swiftly, Steve swallowing hard and watching her go. Why does he keep lashing out at her? She doesn't deserve it. He walks back over to his bed and pulls out his phone.

_**Steve: I can catch a 5:15 movie if you want** _

_**Nat: Rly? What happnd to ur alone time?** _

**_Steve: I realized alone time didn't really help_ **

**_Nat: oh_ **

**_Nat: well we can talk if u want_ **

**_Steve: I'm good but thanks :)_ **

**_Nat: :)_ **


	8. Chapter 8

_ Steve's POV _

"Want some?" Steve nearly jumps as he's shaken out of his thoughts. He looks down and notices Natasha holding a bag of gummy bears in front of him.   
  
"Oh, no thanks." He says quickly, taking a sip of his drink and looking up at the large movie screen. The theater was almost completely empty except for an older couple up front and a small family a few rows down. Nat furrows her brows in concern and looks at him.   
  
"Is everything okay?" She questions as Steve perks up and looks at her.   
  
"Yeah, I'm fine." He assures as she stares at him, unconvinced.   
  
"Is it Peggy?"   
  
"Wha-no! Just leave me alone I'm okay."   
  
"You're lying-"   
  
"Nat stop!" Steve snaps as the six other people in the theater turn to look at him. He sinks down into his seat, stewing in embarrassment, "Peggy's a part of it." He mutters quietly as Nat frowns a bit.   
  
"What exactly has been going on between you two? Before she left you were fine."   
  
"And while she was gone... This stupid commissioner fucked everything up." Steve mutters angrily.   
  
"The commissioner? Steve please don't tell me you-"   
  
"Yes..."   
  
"Steve what the hell?!" She snaps as the father of the family turns around.   
  
"Can you two please quiet down?" He questions as Nat nods and waves him off.   
  
"Yeah, sorry." She apologizes before looking back at Steve, "What happened when you met him?"   
  
"W-Well... remember that guy I mentioned, the one that tried to flirt with me at the coffee shop?" He asks as Nat's eyes widen.   
  
"No..."   
  
"Yeah..."   
  
"What did he do?"   
  
"He, uh, he kept calling me 'pretty'... and then when I tried to leave he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go... and..." He trails off, unsure whether or not he should tell Nat about his father.   
  
"And what?" She questions, her voice dripping with concern.   
  
"I-I don't really want to talk about it-"   
  
"Steve, what happened." She pushes.   
  
"Nat please I don't want to." He begs.   
  
"Did he... did he touch you?"   
  
"No, not that... even though I could tell he was thinking it." He mumbles, "Look, I don't really want to talk about this anymore."   
  
Nat stares at him for a bit longer before sighing and nodding;   
  
"Fine... Just, be safe." She murmurs as Steve gives her a small, reassuring smile.   
  
"Nat I'll be fine."

_ Bucky's POV _

It had been a couple days since their meet up and Bucky just couldn't shake the thought of making love to Steve. So he decided to go to a sex shop. He just wanted to go in and gets some real lube instead of having to use Vaseline or some other lubricant that people use when they don't have the real thing. He was wearing a sweatshirt and a large jacket despite it being nearly 60 degrees out and a baseball cap. He wasn't so much embarrassed to be there as shy and insecure about the whole thing. He tries to shake off his nervousness as he walks into the bright florescent lighting of the shop. As he opens the door a little bell rings and the cashier looks up at him. He looked in his early to mid 40's, but not pervy. The man gives him a friendly smile, which Bucky awkwardly returns before walking over to the register.   
  
"Excuse me but where can I find the lube?" He asks in a bit of a hushed tone. The cashier points to a nearby isle with shelves lined top to bottom with hundreds of bottles of the slippery liquid.   
  
"Over on that shelf, prices go from 10 to 30 dollars." He explains as Bucky walks over and looks the isle up and down, noticing a large bottle of anal lube on a bottom shelf. He bends down and inspects it before walking over and placing it on the counter. The cashier rings it up before looking up at Bucky.   
  
"Anal lube... I'm guessing its a boyfriend." He comments as Bucky nods and rubs the back of his neck.   
  
"Heh, yeah..."   
  
"What's he look like?" The cashier questions, trying to make friendly conversation. Bucky fumbles for his phone and pulls up Steve's instagram, showing his phone to the man, who whistles a bit and grins, "You've got a cute little twink there don't ya?"   
  
"Yeah... I love him." He murmurs softly, staring at the picture longingly.   
  
"You know what that kid would look great in?" The cashier questions as Bucky looks up and him and slides his phone back into his pocket.   
  
"What?"   
  
"One of those corset armbinders and a red ball gag." He comments as the brunette glances over at the bondage and fetish wear section.   
  
"I-I don't know... he's still a little shy about-"   
  
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. The bottom's too shy to try new things because he doesn't want to threaten his masculinity anymore. I see it all the time." The cashier says as Bucky gets offended on Steve's behalf. He just wanted to buy lube, not get into a fight with the cashier about Steve's insecurity.   
  
The cashier smirks a bit as Bucky moves from the counter and over to the fetish wear, grabbing the second smallest corset armbinder and a medium sized red ball gag. He stares at the isle for a little longer before pulling down a spreader bar and looking it over. His heart couldn't help but flutter as he thought of Steve in all this stuff. Panting. Begging for more. He walks over to the front and grabs a basket, trying to avoid the smirk the cashier gave him.   
  
Bucky knew the guy was just trying to make a sale. He knew that. And yet... he just wanted to make Steve feel loved and safe. But also that he was his. Steve was his. That's when he saw it. Buckled around a manikin's neck was a small black collar. He stares at it in wonder before kneeling down and quickly taking the box underneath it.   
  
"This adjustable collar is perfect for things such as; pet play, dom/sub, and just letting them know they belong to you..." He read out loud quietly. A small smile forms on his lips before placing the box in his basket and standing up. Right next to the collars he notices a leash and quickly takes it as well. He was starting to get hard. Really hard. Steve sitting at his feet, eager to please his master...   
  
He needed Steve right now.   
  
Steve's POV   
  
Steve was sitting in his dorm, quietly coloring the cells for his latest animation assignment. He was humming along softly to the song when he gets a knock on the door. He groans a bit before taking out one of his earbuds and looking at the door.   
  
"Who is it?" He calls out as the handle turns and... Bucky appears in his doorway.   
  
Steve quickly scrambles up and pins himself to the opposite side of the room.   
  
"Wh-What the hell are you doing here?" He snips, unable to hide the fear dripping from his voice.   
  
"Stevie I just wanted to-"   
  
"How the hell did you find me?!"   
  
"Steve calm dow-"   
  
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THIS ADDRESS?!"   
  
"I FOLLOWED YOU OKAY?! I saw you at the library and I followed you back here!" Bucky snarls back, aggressively taking a step towards the younger man. Steve takes a shaky breath, staring at Bucky with a mix of anger and fear. He inches towards his desk and in a split second grabs his coffee mug and launches it at the brunette. It hits Bucky directly in the forehead and he yelps in pain, holding his face. Steve takes his chance and tries to run out of the room, but Bucky quickly whips around and slams the door shut. He tackles Steve to the ground and holds him there with a death grip, Steve's desperate attempts to escape useless.   
  
"LET GO!" He screams as Bucky angrily wraps his arm around Steve's throat and starts to steadily apply more pressure.   
  
"I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE!" He hisses as Steve desperately gasps for air, his face going a deep red.   
  
"St-Stop..." Steve whimpers, starting to go limp. Bucky soons lets go and the blonde gasps for air, stumbling up and clumsily reaching for his inhaler. He takes a couple doses before finally calming down and slumping against his bed, breathing heavily.   
  
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry..." Bucky murmurs as he opens the door and grabs something he left right outside. He turns back around and reveals a coffee cup and a small pastry bag. Steve takes them cautiously and Bucky stares at his feet a bit, "Its a medium vanilla latte and a blueberry scone... I saw that was your order when we first met..."   
  
Steve looks up at him and raises an eyebrow;   
  
"You remembered my order?"   
  
"Of course."   
  
Steve puts the cup and bag down before shaking his head and pushing Bucky out.   
  
"You need to go..."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"WHY?!" Steve snaps back, "You just tried to choke me out!"   
  
"I wasn't going to actually do it-"   
  
"If you don't leave in the next 15 seconds I'm calling the police." He threatens as Bucky stares at him for a bit, before leaning down and crashing their lips together, keeping the blonde's head firmly in place. Steve tries to pull away, but it was no use. Bucky finally pulls away and smiles, cupping Steve's cheek.   
  
"I love you." He mutters before kissing his forehead and walking out the door, gently closing it behind him. Leaving Steve confused and scared. Bucky knew where he lived.   



	9. Chapter 9

_Steve's POV_

He was nearly shaking from fear of what just happened. Steve had locked the door almost immediately after Bucky left and didn't know what to do. So he was just sitting on his bed, heart racing. Bucky kissed him. He kissed him. No consent. No nothing. He just kissed him twice and left.  
  
After another half hour of sitting and quietly panicking, there was another knock at the door. He freezes before slowly going over and peeking out of the peephole. It was just the Starks. He lets out a breath before unlocking and opening the door.  
  
"What do you need?" He questions, it coming out a bit ruder than intended. Tony and Howard (yes I'm making them brothers bc I love my bby 40's Howard) walk into the dorm and he audibly groans in annoyance.  
  
"Was this a bad time?" Howard questions as Steve runs his hand through his hair and sighs.  
  
"Yeah but what do you need?"  
  
"We just wanted to know if you could make a bonfire we're throwing next Friday." Tony says as he hands Steve a flier, who takes it and raises an eyebrow.  
  
"Wow, I'm surprised you two are doing something outdoors... and physically going around and inviting people."  
  
"Well you know, we just wanted to go out and enjoy the stars-"  
  
"You're parents are still mad about all the money you spent and property damage that happened at your last party?" Steve questions as Tony grabs the flier out of his hands.  
  
"Do you want to go or not?"  
  
"I don't know, who else is going?"  
  
"Uhhh, Jarvis, Danny Sousa, Jack Thompso-"  
  
"Anyone I would care about?" Steve interrupts as Howard frowns a bit;  
  
"Sure, it's all about your friends." He mumbles as Tony rolls his eyes.  
  
"Natasha said yes, Sam was a probably, Odinsons were a maybe, Barton said yes, ummmm, oh! Carter said she's going." He explains as Steve looks down at his feet.  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
"Okay, well it'd be great if you came." Howard says as the two leave, making Steve sigh in relief before laying down on his bed and staring at the ceiling. He lays there for a couple more minutes before pulling out his phone and beginning to text someone.  
  
**Steve: If you're not still sick, can you meet me at the library asap? I want to talk to you about something**  
  
There was a 15 second delay before his phone buzzes.  
  
**Sarah: It's almost 11, I'm ready for bed**  
  
**Steve: It's about dad**  
  
**Steve: Please**  
  
**Sarah: I'll be there in 20 minutes**  
  
**Steve: Please hurry**  
  
Steve takes a deep breath and jams his phone into his pocket before sitting up and pulling on his shoes. He walks out of his room and almost immediately bumps into Sam.  
  
"Sorry." Steve mutters as he continues walking. Sam raises an eyebrow and grabs his arm.  
  
"Where do you think you're going so late?"  
  
"Library."  
  
"Isn't it closed?"  
  
"Its open until 2 tonight."  
  
"Okay but why?"  
  
"I'm meeting my mom there." He mumbles, pulling his arm away.  
  
"Okay, you still aren't really answering my question of why-"  
  
"Because I need to talk to her about something important!" Steve snaps before quickly walking away, tears of frustration forming in his eyes. Sam watches him go in concern, before sighing and unlocking the door to get into their shared dorm.  
  
Steve pulls up the hood on his sweatshirt as he walks through the light drizzle outside. The dorms were relatively close to the library, only about a 2 minute walk. As he walked he couldn't help but get uneasy. It was just paranoia. It was fine.  
  
He makes it to the library and pulls his hood down, quickly walking over to the Starbucks inside and ordering a drink to warm up. He goes on his phone and messes around on it a bit before hearing the door open and seeing his mother walk in, significantly more soaked than he was. She walks over to the stand and orders her own drink before going to sit down with him.  
  
"Honey what's wrong?" She questions, her voice dripping with concern. Steve sighs and takes a sip of his coffee;  
  
"I met someone who knew dad." He says in a hushed tone. Sarah's eyes widen and she gently puts the cup down.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah... I know he talked about his soldiers to you more than me. Did he ever mention a guy named Bucky? Might've called him James."  
  
"You met Bucky?" She questions in surprise.  
  
"Yeah, dad talked about him?"  
  
"Oh of course, he was his favorite recruit. What was he like in person?" She inquires as Steve starts tapping his fingers on the table as a nervous tick. Sarah notices and furrows her brows, "What's wrong?"  
  
"Bucky flirted with me, wouldn't take no for an answer, tracked me down online, commissioned me, got me to meet up with him-"  
  
"Steve, I need you to slow down." She interrupts as he takes a shaky breath, "Okay... now start over. He flirted with you?"  
  
Steve swallows hard and nods, taking an aggressive sip of his coffee.  
  
"Yeah. He called me really cute and asked me out. Then I told him about Peggy but he didn't believe me."  
  
"Why didn't he believe you?"  
  
"Because he thinks I'm gay." He murmurs as Sarah's eyes widen.  
  
"Wait... so he's... doesn't he know you're half his age?" She asks as Steve nods.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did he know your father was..."  
  
"He found out from stalking my social medias..." He mutters, "A-And when he catfished me and we met again, with that knowledge, he... he said something weird."  
  
"What did he say?" She demands, her voice dripping with concern at her son's silence, "Steven..."  
  
"You know how you keep saying I'm looking more like dad everyday?"  
  
"I say it because its true." She comments with a small smile. Steve doesn't smile back.  
  
"He said he thought I was pretty... and then he cupped my cheek and told me it's because..." He tries to force himself to finish, "I look like dad..."  
  
Sarah's eyes widen and she blinks a couple of times in shock.  
  
"Wait... are you meaning to tell me that James had a crush on your father?"  
  
"Yeah. And now he's got a crush on me."  
  
Sarah stares at him in shock for a bit longer before standing up and gently taking her son's arm.  
  
"Come on..." She murmurs as Steve furrows his brows and stands up.  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"Home." She answers, looking down at him with a sad smile, "We'll finish talking when we get back."  
  
Steve sighs and nods before pulling up his hood and clinging to his mother's arm. She was really the only person who made him feel safe.

_Bucky's POV_

Tonight would have been so perfect to take him. He was kicking himself for not doing it before his angel walked into the library. Bucky watches from behind a small patch of trees as Steve and someone else he couldn't make out exited together. Was that Peggy? No, it couldn't be. He slyly moves to behind another nearby building, watching them walk away from the dorms.  
  
"Where are you going?" He murmurs to himself softly, continuing to follow them. He starts to hear them talk and gets as close as possible to try and hear them.   
  
"Mom?"   
  
"Yes?"   
  
"I feel like someone's following us." Steve admits, looking around cautiously. Bucky pins himself to the building and holds his breath. So that was Steve's mother.   
  
"You're probably just paranoid because of all that's happening." She assures as Steve sighs and nods, leaning on her slightly as they continued to walk.   
  
The brunette takes a deep breath before waiting about a minute and quietly running back to his car. He was almost there before noticing a semi-soaked flier hiding underneath a bench. He bends down and picks it up carefully, turning it around to see in large, slightly smeared font;   
  
**STARK BONFIRE FRIDAY AND SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13-14 AT NORTH-SOUTH LAKE CAMPGROUND**  
  
**Get your own ride**  
  
**Bring snacks and drinks (optional but recommended)**  
  
**Bring camping gear**  
  
**Wear costume if you want to be entered in the costume contest**  
  
Bucky grins widely. Steve was most likely going. It was going to be a bunch of drunk, unsupervised college kids. In the woods. All he needed to do was wait for Steve to break off from the crowd. He gets back into his car and grabs a bundle of rope and the ball gag, putting them in the back row. He shivers as the heater starts blasting cold air. It starts to warm up and he groans a bit in relief before driving back to his apartment. All he had to do was wait and Steve would be all his.

_Steve's POV_

"Mom, you really don't have to..." Steve mutters as Sarah hands him a mug of hot chocolate and puts another blanket over his wet shoulders.   
  
"I'm your mother, of course I do." She dismisses before sitting down next to him, "When we got here we had just finished telling me how he grabbed your arm."   
  
"Yeah... so then I left, now fast forward to tonight."   
  
"Tonight?"   
  
"About an hour ago he... he followed me back to my dorm somehow and apparently wanted to apologize. But I justifiably freaked out and threw my coffee mug at him-"   
  
"That's a fair response." She comments as Steve nods and starts tapping the mug nervously.   
  
"I tried to run out, but he blocked the door and tackled me, then put me in a headlock... He let me go right before I passed out and then gave me a coffee and scone that I threw out immediately. Then..."   
  
"Then what?"   
  
"He...took my face and kissed me on the lips, told me he loved me, kissed me on the forehead and left." Steve finishes, nearly out of breath. Sarah quickly goes to hug him, tears forming in her eyes.   
  
"Maybe you should stay here for the night." She mumbles as Steve sniffs and nods, hugging back. They stay like that for a bit before Steve stands up and heads towards his old room. He closes the door and changes into an old pair of sweats he left behind when he moved. He places his phone on the nightstand without plugging it in and slides under the covers, gripping the blanket tightly, the familiarity incredibly comforting.   
  
There was a small knock at the door and Sarah pokes her head in;   
  
"Do you need anything before I go to bed?" She questions as Steve stares up at her and shakes his head slightly.   
  
"No I'm okay..."   
  
His mother sighs and nods before walking in and turning off the overhead light. She goes over to him and pulls the blanket up a little, before leaning down and giving him a loving kiss on the forehead.   
  
"So that's how that's supposed to feel." Steve comments with a small smirk. Sarah cocks an eyebrow and grins down at him;   
  
"Even in the worst situations you're still a little shit."   
  
"Mom!" Steve gasps in amusement and disbelief.   
  
"What? You're my little shit and I love you."   
  
Steve rolls his eyes and smiles a bit before adjusting himself some more and yawning;   
  
"Night mom."   
  
Sarah leans down and kisses Steve one last time before saying goodnight to him as well and leaving. As she closes the door he takes a deep breath and sits up;

"Hey mom?"

She stops in the doorway and turns around;

"Yes?" She asks, Steve biting his lip nervously.

"When... when I came out..."

"What about it?"

"Why didn't you tell me about dad?" He questions. Sarah furrows her brows in confusion.

"Tell you what about your father?" 

"That he was bicurious. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Honey, your father was straight as an arrow."

That's when it hits him. His mother's perplexed expression sends a chill down his spine, Bucky made his dad do something he didn't want to do.

"J-Just forget I said anything... I-I'm sorry." He mumbles, laying back down. Sarah gives him one more concerned look before closing the door and leaving. Steve clenches his jaw and stares at the opposite wall, seething. Bucky was worse than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so for the POV aspect I just need to clear up that this is the stuff running through either Steve or Bucky's heads. They're both unreliable narrators seeing everything from their biased perspectives... if that makes any sense


	10. Chapter 10

_Steve's POV_

It had been over a week since his run in with Bucky and luckily he hasn't seen him since. Steve and Sam were both getting dressed up in suits and ties, their costumes for the Stark bonfire in a couple of hours. They get a knock on the door and Steve goes to answer it, revealing Nat, also in a suit and wearing sunglasses.

"I'm Agent N of the MIB, can I come in?" She questions in an incredibly serious voice. Steve chuckles a bit and steps away to let her inside.

"Hey Nat." He greets as Sam finishes tying his tie and puts on his own sunglasses.

"So are you two ready to go? Rental car's parked outside." She says as Sam instantly sprints to the window and calls shotgun.

"Wha-no! Don't you have to be outside to call shotgun?" Steve protests as Sam grins and shakes his head, pushing him playfully.

"If you can see it then it counts." Nat seconds as Steve groans and slides on his sunglasses. He unplugs his phone and pulls the cord out of the wall as well. He digs into a drawer and takes out a portable charger, sliding all 3 things into his pocket.

"Okay let's go, you said you have sleeping bags, snacks, and water in the car right?" He questions as Nat nods and grabs his hand;

"Okay now we can leave!" She exclaims as she quickly yanks Steve out of the room, causing him to yelp and nearly trip. Sam follows with a chuckle before making sure he had everything and closing the door.

* * *

The three friends were on the road for almost two and a half hours due to traffic. But it didn't matter. They were having a blast, just laughing and blasting late 2000's music like there was no tomorrow. For the first time since they met, Steve was finally able to genuinely forget about Bucky.

They finally get to the quiet parking lot around 6:30, a bright orange light being cast over the cars and nearby trees, through the peacefulness there was still the faint sound of loud music and laughing in the distance.

"Okay," Nat mutters as she quickly types something into her phone, Steve and Sam looking over at her, "I just texted Tony and he said walk down the main trail until we get to the lake, then take a right and keep going. We can't miss them."

The trio start to walk down the trail, the noise level getting louder and louder the further they go. Steve feels a buzz in his pocket and sees a text from his mom.

_**Sarah: I know you said you were going to that bonfire tonight, did you dress warm enough?** _

Steve takes a quick selfie of himself with his suit visible. She sends back a laughing emoji and the blonde smiles before putting his phone back in his pocket.

"Shut up English I do not!" A voice giggles defensively as they walk up to the lake and spot Peggy and Angie sitting on the shore and talking to each other. Steve freezes and goes a dark red, he and Peggy hadn't talked since their fight. Sam and Nat clearly didn't know and casually walk up to them.

"Hi guys." Nat greets as they turn around and smile, they were both dressed in 1940's attire. Steve nearly melts when he sees her, god she could pull off red dresses.

"Hey Natasha, Sam." Angie says before looking at Peggy, who was staring at Steve.

"Hey Peg." He mumbles, "Can we...talk?"

Sam and Nat looks at each other before back at Steve.

"We're going to head to the main party." Sam states awkwardly as he and Nat leave, Angie close behind.

Steve walks over and sits down where Angie was. He sighs and looks over at Peggy, who was staring out over the lake.

"I'm sorry." He murmurs, "I don't know what came over me back then... I was just so... frustrated and angry and scared and I took it out on-"

"I know." She interrupts with a small smile, "I'm sorry too... I was still incredibly stressed out from my trip. When they told me dad might not make it off the operating table I just... I knew you had gone through the same stress, and your father _didn't_ come home... I was being selfish and irrational, I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?" She asks quietly. Steve lets out a small laugh and nods;

"Peg, I was the asshole and you know it." He states as Peggy smiles at him and kisses his forehead.

He returns the smile and moves closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

"I like your costume." He compliments as Peggy chuckles a bit.

"Thank you. I don't quite get yours though." She admits as Steve fumbles to put his sunglasses back on, which doesn't help her, "Someone at an outdoor funeral?"

"Wha-no! Men in Black." He explains as the brunette shakes her head.

"I've never seen that movie."

"You've  _never_  seen Men in Black?" He questions in shock. She smiles and shakes her head some more;

"Should I have?"

"Yes! We're watching it when we get home." Steve declares as Peggy chuckles;

"Whatever you say."

They sit in silence for a couple minutes before Steve stands up;

"I'm going to get a drink, want anything?"

Peggy nods her head and stands up as well;

"I'll just come with you, we need to socialize at least a little." She chuckles as Steve nods and they walk over to the main party together, gently holding each other's hands.

_Bucky's POV_

Tonight was the night. Steve was going to be his. Bucky had gone back to the sex shop a couple days earlier and was like a kid in a candy store. He bought so many things he wanted to try with Steve, to make him whimper and beg... and it was going to happen tonight. He was wearing all black leather and tied a bandana around his mouth, also wearing sunglasses and his hair down, making himself as dark as possible as he stalked the campsite like a predator stalking his prey. He didn't like to think of it that way, but it was, in a sense, true. He would occasionally be spotted by some drunk college kids trying to find a place to fuck in semi privacy, but it was pretty easy to just tell them he was another party goer trying to take a piss. 

He glances at his watch and sees it's almost 1 am, so he wouldn't have to worry about more people showing up. He catches sight of Steve again and bites his lip, god he looked good in that suit, then again he looked good in anything.

Then it happened. His window. He watches as Steve looks at his phone before patting down at his pockets. He says something to his friends before a red head pulls out a car key and presses a button. They all laugh a bit before Steve starts walking away from the main area. and down by the lake. Bucky quietly and swiftly makes his way through the forest, not letting Steve leave his sight for even a second. They walk down a little farther, now about two thirds of the way to the parking lot.

Bucky sneaks closer to the trail and keeps walking.

Three quarters of the way there.

He silently moves onto the trail and is now only about 10 feet behind Steve. He adjusts the rope in his pocket so it would be easier to grab and pulls the ball gag out.

Steve stops for a second to yawn and he seizes his chance.

_Steve's POV_

Shoot. He left the portable charger in the car.

"Hey Nat, can I have the car key super quick? My phone's at 13 and I forgot my charger in the car." He slurs, he wasn't drunk, just tipsy. Nat grins before pulling out the key and pressing unlock.

"400 meter Bluetooth." She brags as they all start to laugh.

"Wow you really splurged for us." Sam comments as they laugh some more and he leaves the crowd. As much fun as he was having, it felt good getting away and being alone. He was the definition of an introvert. He breathes in the cool night air and lets his mind wander a bit. He sees the turn that lead straight to the parking lot, but stops for a second when he feels a yawn come on.

Then a ball gag was jammed into his mouth. His brain kicks into fight or flight mode. Adrenaline starts pumping. The effects of the alcohol vanish as he desperately tries to punch, kick, anything.

The person swipes his legs and he feels a rope wrap around his ankles tightly. He tries to scream but the gag stops him, whoever was doing this to him flips him over and pins him to the ground to tie his hands behind his back as well.

"HELP!" He desperately tries to cry out, but it came out as a muffled sob. The rope wraps around his arms and renders his upper body useless. He thrashes and thrashes but it was no use. He finally gets a look at who was doing this to him and the man leans down, taking off his sunglasses and tugging off the bandana.

Bucky... Oh god...


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so in case you couldn't tell, the rape/non con tag is finally gonna start coming into play. If you're uncomfortable with those subjects then I'd recommend you proceed with caution.

_Bucky's POV_

"Steve please be quiet." He murmurs as he takes the bandana and leans down, cupping the back of Steve's head. The blonde tries to scream again and continues to struggle. He sighs before tying the blindfold around Steve's eyes and picking him up, throwing him over his shoulder.

"-uuu-y!" Steve cries into the gag, trying to say Bucky. The brunette quickly carries him the rest of the way and into the parking lot. He throws open the door and gently places Steve in the back seat. He closes it quietly and Steve desperately tries to kick it back open, now whimpering and pleading. He walks around to the front of the car and gets in the drivers seat, a huge grin on his face. Everything was ready back at his apartment, all he had to do was make the two hour drive back.

Steve had fallen silent about half an hour in, he had flipped to the other side so he was facing the seat, occasionally making a small whimper-like noise. Once they were about 15 minutes away he pulls over and gets out and goes around to check on Steve. He opens up the back door and crawls inside, gently flipping the smaller man over.

"I'm sorry Steve but I have to do this." Bucky murmurs before pulling Steve's head on his lap and putting him into a choke hold. Steve starts to struggles again, but soon gives up and falls limp. He lifts up the blindfold to make sure Steve was out before noticing Steve's phone was on the floor. He bends down to pick it up and sees god only knows how many texts, missed calls, voicemails, everything, so he throws it out onto the nearby grass and gets back into the drivers seat to finish the trip.

_Steve's POV_

He slowly blinks awake at the sound of a camera snapping. The noise happens again and Steve groans before trying to sit up. Except he couldn't. Everything comes back to him and looks down to see all he was wearing was a corset and an armbinder that securely kept his arms behind his back.

"Bucky!" He snarls, massively grateful the ball gag was gone, "Bucky let me go!" He screams, trying to crane his neck so he could see his kidnapper. There was another camera snap before Bucky walks into his line of sight, smiling widely.

"Stevie be quiet, you don't want to wake everyone up do you?" He questions before chuckling a bit, "I'm just kidding, there are no other people on this floor, but  _I_  would appreciate it if you quieted down."

Steve glares daggers at him, before noticing a tripod standing at the end of the bed. His blood runs cold and he tries to move away, but Bucky grabs his leg and pulls him towards him.

"Bucky...please don't do this..." He begs as Bucky reaches down and pulls out a spreader bar, locking it around his ankles so he couldn't close is legs, "Bucky stop, n-not like this."

"I love you so much." He mumbles, gently taking Steve's face and kissing him sweetly on the lips. The blonde watches in horror as Bucky begins to strip. Despite the situation he couldn't help but notice a nasty scar on his left shoulder. He finally slides off his underwear before flipping Steve on his back. He groans and starts to struggle some more, noticing Bucky was reaching for a bottle of something. Steve shudders as he feels the lube drip over his hole, he feels a finger circling his entrance and he starts to thrash again. No. This wasn't happening. This  _couldn't_  be happening.

"STOP!" He screams as Bucky sighs and grabs the gag again.

"If you can't be quiet then this is going back in." He says before grabbing Steve's head and forcing his fingers into his mouth. Steve clenches his jaw shut and tries to move his head away. Bucky sighs before reaching his arm down and slowly pushing his middle finger up Steve's ass. Oh god it hurt. He couldn't help gasping and in that split second Bucky jams the gag back into his mouth. He secures it around his head before going back to fingering him. Steve started to go numb. His mind was screaming no. But his body stopped struggling, he was frozen. He couldn't help but let out a small whine as Bucky adds a second finger... and then a third.

"P-Please..." Steve whimpers into the gag, tears streaming down his cheeks, "Please stop."

Bucky either didn't hear him, or he didn't care, because he kept going. He finally pulls his fingers back out before lining himself up.

"Are you ready my angel?" He purrs into Steve's ear, who desperately tries to kick Bucky off of him.

"G-GET OFF ME!" He cries into the gag, it coming off as more of a strangled scream. He feels Bucky gently pet his head and moves his hands to gently rub his shoulders.

"Just relax Stevie." He murmurs, leaning down to kiss then gently bite Steve's ear. Steve tries to hold in his terrified sobs, but it doesn't work;

"P-Please... dad wouldn't want this." He whimpers, his final attempt to get Bucky to stop.

The brunette doesn't respond, staying where he was for a couple moments. Steve lets out a relieved breath, yes... he isn't going to-

"I love you my angel." Bucky whispers, before sliding in with a groan. Steve wasn't as quiet.

_At the bonfire_

"He's not answering his phone."

"Are you sure? Have you tried calling him?"

"I sent him a damn email I'm so desperate."

"Guys! Any word from Steve?"

"No."

Sam groans and tries to call Steve again, straight to voicemail.

"Any luck with the search party?" Nat questions as Sam shakes his head.

"Mine found nothing." He sighs as Peggy bites her nails nervously. Nat notices and puts a hand on her shoulder;

"We'll find him."

Peggy sighs before looking around and frowning;

"Where are the police?"

"No one called them." Sam explains as the brunette's eyes widen;

"What?"

"Yeah... people are drinking underage and there's drugs and stuff so no one-"

"STEVE IS MISSING AND PEOPLE ARE WORRIED ABOUT THEMSELVES?!" Peggy explodes. A couple people look over as Nat and Sam look at each other nervously.

"P-Peggy... Steve is really only friends with us and a few other people..."

"So?!"

"So... no one really... cares. Tony and Howard are worried so that's why people are looking." Sam points out carefully, studying Peggy's face. She was expressionless.

She slowly pulls out her phone and types in 911 and waits for a second.

"Hello, yes. I'd like to report a missing person... Steven Rogers... V-E-N yes... no, R-O-G-E-R-S... around 1 am. We're at north-south lake, last we saw him he was going to get his portable phone charger from his car... we've been trying to reach him for the last 3 hours... okay, thank you." She turns the phone off and jams it into her pocket, before sitting down in the dirt and putting her face in her hands.'

"Carter?" Nat asks gently as she bends down next to Peggy, who was fighting back tears.

"Of course... just when things are about to go back to normal for him." She mutters, gritting her teeth, "Every time it seems like things are going to work out, god throws a brick at him."

"Peg." Sam says, crouching down next to her, "He's okay."

"How can you be so sure?" She demands, voice wavering. Sam gives her a reassuring smile and pats her on the shoulder;

"Has Steve ever let you down?"

"No."

"Then he'll be alright. Who knows, maybe he just got a ride home we didn't know about."

_Bucky's POV_

He did it... He actually did it. Bucky pulls out of Steve with a small moan and kisses the base of his back sweetly.

"Oh Stevie..." He murmurs as Steve whimpers and weakly tries to move his legs. Bucky unclips the spreader and rubs his ankles. He moves up to the armbinder and undoes the ribbon, the armbinder falls off and Steve moves his arms to cover his face. Bucky finishes taking off the corset and helps Steve take off the gag. He crawls underneath the covers and pulls the blonde with him.

"You did so amazing." He hums, pressing a gentle kiss on Steve's forehead. He groans and tries to turn away, making Bucky frown, "Stevie..."

"Fuck off." Steve hisses halfheartedly, he was obviously trying not to cry. Bucky pulls him in closer and holds Steve's head to his chest protectively.

"Shhh..." He whispers as Steve continues to weakly fight him, although it was no use. He continues to press gentle kisses on Steve's head, "I love you so much my angel... that was absolutely incredible... I'm so proud of you." He wanted to make Steve feel more comfortable and safe. He knew he was scared and lost and hurt. But it was going to be okay, Bucky would make sure of it.

He looks over at his alarm clock and sees its almost 4:30 in the morning, he adjusts himself a bit before kissing Steve one last time and drifting off to sleep, a light smile plastered on his face.


	12. Chapter 12

_Steve's POV_

Steve slowly begins to wake up and rolls over with a small groan, too tired to remember where he was. He buries his face into the blanket as his mind slowly starts to make cognitive thoughts. He smelled bacon and could hear something happening in the kitchen outside the room. He must be at his mom's- no. The blonde's eyes snap open and he shoots up into a sitting position, still naked. He hisses at the pain in his ass and falls back onto the bed. His breathing quickens and his heart starts racing.

"No..." He mutters to himself, beginning to panic. So it wasn't a horrible nightmare. Bucky really did kidnap him. He carefully sits back up and tries to get out of the bed. He looks down and notices a leash attached to a collar around his neck was tied to the bedframe. He tries to undo the collar as the door opens, Bucky appearing with a tray full of food.

"Oh you're awake!" He chirps as he walks over to the bed, Steve staring at him with a mix of anger and caution. Bucky places the tray down on the side of the bed and sits down, brushing the hair out of Steve's face. He jerks back and Bucky quickly tries to stabilize the food, "Be careful honey, you don't want to spill anything."

Steve bites his lip to try and hide the searing pain in his ass. Bucky still notices his slight discomfort and stands up;

"Wait right here, I'm going to go get you some Aleve." He says before going into the bathroom and rummaging through a couple of cabinets. Steve watches him with a glare before looking down at the tray in front of him, it had a cup of coffee with cream and sugar on the side, orange juice, a small bowl of berries, bacon, and chocolate chip pancakes. He had to admit it smelled delicious, but there was no way in hell he was eating any of it. Bucky comes back and hands Steve the small pill, "I know you're going to be annoying but please swallow it, it'll help with the pain."

"You know you'll be the prime suspect. I told people about you." Steve states as Bucky rolls his eyes.

"Just take the pill Steve-"

"Aren't you nervous?"

"Not at all. I have a really close friend that's a detective for the NYPD. I talked to him and he said he'll take the case. Now just take the damn pill." Bucky snips, now slightly annoyed. Steve warily pops it in his mouth and swallows it with a small sip of the orange juice. Damn it was good, definitely fresh squeezed.

"Are you just going to keep me here as your little pet forever?" He questions harshly, making Bucky frown.

"You aren't my pet Steve-"

"Oh really? Then why did you give me a fucking collar?"

"Because it shows that you're mine-"

"A pet." Steve interrupts angrily, he knew Bucky wasn't going to hurt him. He 'loved' him too much.

Bucky's expression darkens before he stands up and goes into the closet to get something;

"Fine, if you want to be a pet, go ahead. But either way I have to teach you some manners." He says before coming back out with a small box. Steve looks at it and moves back a bit cautiously. Okay so maybe Bucky was willing to hurt him.

The brunette opens it up and pulls out something Steve didn't quite recognize. It looked like a small lightsaber that wasn't lit. Bucky sits back down next to him and places the tray of food in front of Steve.

"Eat." He orders. The smaller man barely registered what he said, staring at the device nervously. Bucky grunts in annoyance before pressing a button and touching it to Steve's nipple. It sends a strong electric shock directly into the sensitive area. He yelps and dips his fingernails into his palms, "Stevie I told you to eat."

Steve swallows hard before picking up a raspberry and cautiously eating it. Fuck, those were delicious too. He slowly continues to eat, watching Bucky stare at him out of the corner of his eye. Once he takes a bite of pancake the older man perks up.

"What do you think? It's my mom's recipe." He questions, his menacing nature vanishing into thin air.

"They're good." Steve mumbles, taking a sip of coffee to help clear his throat.

"Mom used to make them the first Saturday of every month. It was a little tradition we had." He explains cheerfully. Steve nods and takes a couple more bites before putting the fork down.

"I'm full." He mutters as Bucky looks at the food.

"Really? You didn't eat very much."

"Yeah... I'm small, I don't need a lot of food." He explains as Bucky sighs and nods, taking the tray and carrying it out of the room. He comes back a couple minutes later and sits down next to Steve again, gently pressing kisses onto his collarbone. He doesn't move in fear of getting shocked again. How do people get turned on by that? It's so painful and uncomfortable.

_Bucky's POV_

"I still can't get over how fuckin' pretty you are." He whispers into Steve's ear. God, he still couldn't believe this was really happening. Bucky gently runs his fingers through Steve's hair and pulls his head up so their eyes lock. Steve quickly looks away and Bucky gives him a small slap across the face, "Look at me."

Steve begrudgingly moves his gaze up to him and they lock eyes once again. Bucky gently cups his cheek and smiles widely.

"You're eyes are so pretty... like the ocean after a storm." He murmurs before kissing Steve again, this time on the lips. He frowns at Steve's lack of response and pulls away, "Why aren't you kissing back?"

"Why do you think jackass?" Steve responds with an eye roll. Man this kid has a lip. He sort of liked Steve's sassy nature, but he was going to train it out of him in no time. Bucky grabs Steve's beautiful golden blonde hair and aggressively yanks his head down towards his crotch. He yelps and tries to pull his head away.

"Bucky st-stop!"

"I'll stop once you learn some manners." He snips, keeping Steve's head about an inch above his covered erection, "Now put your pretty lips around my cock." He instructs as Steve moves his hand and punches Bucky's groin, "AH!" He yelps as Steve scrambles up and goes to unhook the collar, fingers fumbling around the hook.

The little shit.

The older man whips around and grabs Steve by the back of the neck before slamming his face into the bed frame.

"AH!" Steve screams in pain. Bucky jams his face into the pillow and forces three fingers in dry.

"You have to learn how to behave!" He snarls before pulling his fingers out and going to the closet. He searches for a couple seconds before coming out with a small vibrator. He walks back over and spits on it before sliding it into Steve. The smaller man shudders and tries to move away, but Bucky holds him in place and uses a remote to turn the small device on. Steve squirms and grunts as he tries to break free from Bucky's grasp.

"Ahhh... ahaha..." He gasps quietly as Bucky pulls him onto his lap and begins to gently stroke him.

"If you cum before I say then you're in for a flogging, got it?" He warns as Steve swallows hard and nods, squeezing his eyes shut. Bucky slowly moves his hand up and down Steve's shaft, running his thump over the tip. The blonde shudders and can't help but lean into him and whimper.

"I-I'm sorry, I won't do it again." He murmurs. Bucky knew he was trying to play the sympathy card, but goddammit he looked so desperate and helpless. He stops stroking him but keeps the vibrator on.

"I'll let you off this time because it's your first day. But don't you dare disobey me again, got it?" He warns as Steve quickly nods and goes to pull out the vibrator, Bucky raises an eyebrow and grabs his arm, "I didn't say you could take it out."

Steve stares up at him in panic and the brunette's heart melts. Jesus Christ he was beautiful. Bucky leans in and kisses him again before turning the vibrator one level lower.

"This is your punishment for everything. I'll take it out when I feel you've had enough, got it?" He explains as Steve nods a bit. The brunette stares at him for a bit in thought. He wanted Steve to call him Bucky, but when he wanted him to be submissive he should use something else, "Can you say yes sir?"

Steve swallows hard before nodding;

"Yes sir."

"Hmm... now say yes master."

"Y-Yes master."

"I like both... can you say yes sergeant?"

"Yes sergeant- Bucky why are you doing this?"

"To see what I want you to call me in bed, now hush."

"How about I try whatever comes to mind and you say if you like it." Steve mutters, trying not to piss off Bucky any more. He smiles and gently cups Steve's face.

"God I love you so much."

"Bucky..." Steve mumbles quietly, suddenly struck with a look of panic, "Bucky I-" He starts coughing and Bucky moves back a bit.

"Stevie what's wrong?" He asks in concern as Steve continues to wheeze and gasp for air.

"M-My asthma..." He manages to wheeze out as Bucky's eyes widen, "I-I need my *cough* i-i-inha-ler."


	13. Chapter 13

_Steve's POV_

Steve had practiced his fake asthma attacks for years now. Using it every time he wanted to get out of gym, avoid a test, or just to cut a conversation short. Only his mother could tell the difference between a fake and real attack. Hopefully this was enough to trick Bucky into letting him go. He keeps up his false wheezing as Bucky runs out of the room. Good. Maybe just wait a minute for him to be really gone and then get dressed and the hell out of... there...

Bucky runs back in with an inhaler. Correction.  _His_  inhaler. It had the pharmacy sticker on it and everything. The older man quickly jams it into Steve's hands, who takes an unnecessary puff before taking a deep breath.

"How the fuck do you have this?"

"After you left I snuck into your dorm and took it in case of things like this." He explains calmly. Steve feels a sinking feeling and looks up at Bucky nervously.

"What else did you take?" He questions as Bucky stands up and goes into the other room, holding a duffel bag. He unzips it and Steve peers inside. A couple pairs of sweatpants and t-shirts and his drawing tablet, "How did you know the inhaler was mine? It doesn't have my name on it."

"Remember when I came into your room last week? I saw you use it." He says as Steve bites his lip and looks away. Okay, now he was starting to feel a real attack coming on. He takes a quick puff just to be on the safe side before shaking his head.

"Bucky... for the love of god please let me go. I won't tell anyone it was you. And if I show up today then no one will be suspicious." Steve begs as Bucky shakes his head and takes the inhaler away.

"You are the love of my life Stevie. Nothing will take you away from me."

"If I'm the love of your life then why won't you do what's best for me?"

"Because you don't know what's best for you, you're still so young."

Steve stares at him for a bit, trying to hold onto a thought. Bucky would be so mad if he said it. But it was the best comeback, and it was going to eat him alive if he didn't;

"You're right, I am pretty young. I was a minor only 2 years ago." He comments, Bucky raises an eyebrow and looks at him;

"So?"

"What if you had met me... I don't know, 2 or 3 years ago, you'd still feel this creepy love right?"

"Probably, why are you bringing that up?"

"Because then that'd make you a pedophile."

The look Bucky gave him shook him to his core. His face barely changed, but his eyes were filled to the brim with absolute, unadulterated rage.

Bucky slowly stands up, staring at Steve, who had slowly moved back a bit. That was a bad idea. He shouldn't have said that.

"B-Bucky..." He starts warily, completely avoiding eye contact, "Just... p-please let me go..."

The older man backs out of the room and closes the door behind him without saying a word. Steve swallows hard and stares at the door cautiously. His mind was racing. What was he going to do to him? Fuck him again? Physical assault? Oh god he might be getting a knife or a gun... Bucky was going to fucking kill him.

Steve scrambles up and goes to the duffel bag, pulling on his pair of Mets sweatpants and his old high school art club t-shirt. He goes to the door and turns on the handle, relieved it was unlocked before peering his head out. Bucky was at the table on his laptop, aggressively typing.

"B-Buck?" He asks quietly. No answer, "Bucky please..."

"Get back into the room." Bucky instructs in a monotone voice. Steve takes another step out instead.

"Are you gonna kill me?" He questions, "Because i-if you are I just wanna make one last phone call to my mom-"

"I said. Get. Back. Into. The. Room." He snarls. Steve nods and quickly scurries back in, heart racing. He kept trying to think of solutions where he was going to be okay, but they all ended in Bucky murdering him. He was going to end up in the news and the fucking obituaries. He sits down on the bed and tucks his knees to his chest, staring up at the ceiling with tears forming in his eyes. He takes a deep breath and does the one thing he hated doing the most;

"Dad..." He murmurs quietly. God he hated talking to his father. He hated thinking about heaven and hell. The realist in him did not mix well with his religious roots. His father was gone and there was absolutely no changing that. No amount of praying or worshiping was going to bring him back. But he was downright terrified right now and talking to him gave him a little comfort. There was even a little tinge of excitement that he got to see him again, "I...I'm sorry I ran out of your funeral. I just... I couldn't be in there. And I'm sorry I've never visited your grave..." He swallows hard, the tears starting to build up in his eyes, "I just could never do it, I miss you... a lot... I don't know what's happened to Bucky between then and now but this can't have been the guy you knew. I don't know I'm just... scared."

The door opens back up and Bucky walks in calmly, taking a seat next to Steve.

"You're going to kill me aren't you?"

"No."

"Then what are you gonna do?"

"You'll see... but first I need you to do what I say."

"Okay." Steve says nervously, unsure what Bucky was going to do.

"Go into the bathroom and look in the cabinet. Inside there's some makeup. Put it on." He instructs as Steve furrows his brows;

"Makeup as in-"

"Did I say you could talk?" Bucky interrupts, not looking at him. Steve shakes his head and quickly goes to the bathroom and opens up the cabinet. A tube of lipstick, mascara, blush, eye shadow, and a couple other things he didn't quite recognize. But he was too afraid to ask Bucky what they were. He picks up the lipstick and takes the cap off. He twists it up and sees its a matte peachy color, takes a deep breath, and starts to apply.

**_Brooklyn, New York: 2015_ **

_"What's with the outfit?_

_Sarah nearly jumps out of her skin and accidentally smears a bit of coral lipstick onto the corner of her mouth. She takes a couple of breaths and notices Steve chuckling a bit in the doorway of her bathroom._

_"Don't scare me like that!" She exclaims before reaching for a makeup wipe and fixing her lipstick._

_"Sorry, sorry... but why are you getting so dressed up on a Friday night?" He questions as Sarah rolls her eyes._

_"It makes me sad how you find nothing wrong with that statement."_

_"Hey, would you rather me be at a random party drinking and getting high off painkillers?" Steve questions as Sarah rolls her eyes._

_"Oh be quiet." She waves off before putting on a bit of mascara reaching for the concealer._

_"But really, where are you going?" Steve asks as Sarah starts to dab on the nude liquid._

_"That's none of your business." She answers, making Steve frown._

_"You're really not going to tell me?"_

_His mother sighs and looks down at the sink._

_"You aren't going to like the answer."_

_"Mom just tell me."_

_She takes a deep breath and looks over at him;_

_"A doctor I work with has been asking me out for a couple weeks now. And since he's sweet, and funny... I said yes."_

_Steve blinks a couple times in surprise. Did he hear her right?_

_"You're going on a date?" He mutters quietly. Sarah sighs and goes over to him;_

_"Steve, you're going to graduate in a couple months and I'm going to be lonely. I just want company once you're gone."_

_"But what about dad? Are you just over him now?"_

_"Over him? Steven of course I'm not over him. I miss him every single day. But it's been 5 years... and I haven't been with anyone since. Please don't give me a hard time for this. It's just one date." She pleads as Steve looks away and sighs._

_"Okay... when do you think you'll be back?" He questions as Sarah looks up in thought._

_"Either before midnight or tomorrow morning is my guess." She answers before kissing Steve on the forehead and going to get her purse, "I left money on the counter in case you want to order a pizza and you can rent any movie on Amazon Prime. Don't stay up too late!" She yells before walking out the door._

_Steve watches her go before his eyes widen and he runs to the door, opening it up and calling after her;_

_"What do you mean tomorrow?!"_

_His mother turns around and waves him off before walking into the elevator;_

_"I love you and respect your choices too!"_

She dated that guy for a couple months before getting all homophobic once Steve came out. She dumped him the second the words 'conversion therapy' left his lips. It was unfortunate though, his mom seemed really liked him. He just decided to be a shit person on one crucial opinion. Luckily Steve later found out she secretly hated him anyways, so that was nice. He just felt bad it had to end that way for her, she just seemed so optimistic about putting on that lipstick.

The blonde swallows hard as he finishes putting on the mascara and gently dusts his cheeks with the rosy blush. He gets to the eye shadow and begins to feel a stare.

"Are you almost finished?" Bucky inquires as Steve takes a shaky breath and shakes his head;

"No sir."

"Look at me."

The teen looks up and Bucky moves closer, cupping his face in his hand.

"Do you need help with the eye shadow?"

"Yes..."

_Bucky's POV_

As mad as he was at Steve right now, he couldn't help but be nearly speechless at how beautiful he looked. He takes the eye shadow out of Steve's hand and opens it up, coating the brush with the lightest pigment first.

"Close your eyes but raise your eyebrows." He instructs as Steve does as told. He gently applies the pigment on each eye before moving to a dusty rose-mauve type palette. He notices Steve looked like he wanted to say something, "Are you gonna ask me how I got so good at makeup?"

The smaller man gives him a little nod.

"I have 3 younger sisters. I can also braid and paint nails." He mumbles as Steve nods again.

"How old are your sisters?" He questions, obviously trying to get on Bucky's good side. But he liked talking about his sisters, so he decided to go with it;

"29, 26, and 24."

"Hmm..."

"You have any siblings your father never told me about?" He asks as Steve shakes his head slightly.

"No, it's just me and mom." He answers as Bucky nods and finishes up the eye shadow.

"Okay now you can open your eyes." He says as Steve blinks a couple times and looks in the mirror.

"Whoa..." The blonde mumbles as Bucky smiles a bit and opens the liquid eyeliner.

"Close your eyes again and don't move." He instructs as Steve gently closes his eyes again. He applies a perfect wing in one fatal swoop on each eyelid before capping the eyeliner and putting it on the counter, "Jesus Christ you're so beautiful."

"Th-Thank you James." Steve mutters as Bucky's eyes widen. That was it. That's what he wanted to be called.

"Call me that for now on. When we get intimate call me James." He commands as Steve nods and walks out of the bathroom. Bucky follows and gently tugs on Steve's shirt, "How about you take off this stuff and get into something a little more sexy. I'm going to go start dinner, look in the closet and you'll know what I want when you see it." He says before walking out of the room, grinning ear to ear when he heard Steve's gasp.

_Steve's POV_

His brain barely registered what his eyes were seeing, although the makeup now made much more sense. He picks up the lace chemise and panties in shock and holds them up to himself, he looks at the size and notices they were extra small. He frowns a bit in annoyance, even in womens' sizes he was still an extra small. He takes off his shirt and pulls on the chemise first, stewing in embarrassment, it was so sheer and silky. He takes a deep breath, arguing with himself a bit before sliding off his pants and putting on the panties. They literally hid  _nothing_. His ass was entirely out and despite it being admittedly smaller than average, he had to carefully tuck his dick into the confines of the fabric. God he hated this. He hated Bucky. He hated the fucking world right now. He might've actually given Bucky a chance if he wasn't dating Peggy. This whole situation is just so fucked up. 


	14. Chapter 14

_Steve's POV_

Steve slowly pokes his head from the bedroom and spots Bucky in the kitchen cutting some vegetables. He slides out of the room and shyly walks towards the older man, trying in vain to cover himself up with the lacy fabric.

"Bucky?" He asks quietly. Faster than a bullet Bucky had him pinned to the ground and a knife to his throat. The veteran blinks a couple times and stares at Steve in horror before quickly scrambling up and putting the knife down.

"Fuck, I'm sorry!" He apologizes quickly, bending down to help Steve up, "I forgot you were here."

Steve nods slowly and tries to fight off the asthma attack he could tell was coming;

"I-It's okay." He murmurs as he stands up, Bucky very obviously checking him out.

"God I can't wait to ruin that makeup..." He mutters quietly, looking back up at Steve's face, "But first, a date."

"A date?"

"Of course... why do you think I'm making dinner and got you all dressed up? This is our first official date." Bucky explains cheerfully. Steve stares at him for a bit in utter disbelief.

"You are psychotic." He snarls as Bucky presses a finger onto his lips.

"Hush, you're punishment is almost here. I may make it smaller if you're nice to me now." He warns as Steve looks up at him, slightly annoyed.

"What's my 'punishment'?"

"You'll see my love-"

"Can't be any worse than anything else you've done to me." Steve mumbles coolly.

"I have been nothing but nice to you."

"You took my virginity by rape."

"You don't know it yet but you wanted me to take you."

"Please elaborate, I would absolutely  _love_  to hear your explanation."

_Bucky's POV_

Jesus Christ Steve just would not stop. Bucky wasn't going to physically attack Steve, no. He could never. But the blonde didn't really care about threats, he didn't listen to kindness, and was stubborn as all hell. How the fuck was he supposed to get through to him?

"Steve I swear to god if you don't shut up-"

He was cut off by a knock at the door;

" _NYPD."_

Steve instantly perks up and tries to sprint to the door, but Bucky grabs him and wrestles him to the ground.

"Help! He's fucking insane!" The blonde screams as Bucky wraps a hand around his mouth and looks up at the door.

"Come in Dum." He says calmly as Steve angrily struggles underneath him.

_Steve's POV_

Steve knew that Bucky said he had a friend in the NYPD, so this could go one of two ways. Friend decides his job and saving someone was more important than keeping his psychotic friend free. Or...

The door opens up and a police officer walks in, not even looking down at him as Bucky got up and gave him a friendly hug.

"Thank you so much again." He says as Steve scrambles up and takes a step back.

"This is why people don't like the fucking cops." He snarls as the officer glares at him and Bucky puts a hand up.

"Everyone just calm down. Steve, this is Officer Dugan, we've been friends for... god, nine years now?"

"We met when we we're freshmen at college so... yeah 13 years ago. Damn it really doesn't seem that long ago." He comments as Steve eyes the door, he could try to make a run for it, the timing just had to be perfect.

"Dum, could you watch him for a second? I must've left my phone in the car last night." Bucky says as Dum nods.

"Of course." He answers as Bucky walks over and gives Steve a kiss on the forehead, which he quickly recoils away from. Bucky leaves the apartment and Steve quickly pulls on Dum's arm.

"Please, you have to get me out of here. I-I don't know about the Bucky 13 years ago but that man is fucking psychotic." He pleads desperately.

"If you were anyone else I'd cuff him in a heartbeat, but Buck's got a ridiculous amount of survivor's guilt after what happened with you da-"

"You were in his unit too?" Steve interrupts. Dum nods and looks over at the purple heart and Westpoint diploma hanging on the opposite wall.

"Yeah, we met at orientation in Westpoint, incoming class of 2004."

"You guys went to Westpoint?"

"Uh huh. Buck was one of the best in our class, he was so smart and knew it. He was so ready to be shipped off to Iraq-"

"And then that's when you both met my father?"

Dum takes a deep breath and nods;

"Yeah... we all obviously formed a small crush that was almost immediately negated when we found out he was married and had a kid... but not Bucky."

"He stayed creepy and sexual? He probably made weird advances that my dad was too nice to call out didn't he?"

"No, god no. Buck was so cute around him. We liked to give him a hard time but he would blush and smile every time Lieutenant gave him a compliment. He would say something dumb in front of him and stew in embarrassment for the rest of the day. Bucky was just... innocent and naive back then."

"Let me guess. Then after he watched dad get sniped his soul started to shrivel up and now he's the way he is?" Steve questions with an eye roll as Dum furrows his brows in confusion.

"Did you just say your dad was sniped?"

"Well... yeah. That's how he died. He was shot while on patrol."

Dum blinks a couple more times, completely dumbfounded;

"No... it's not."

"What do you mean?" He questions warily, "Mom told me he was on patrol when someone shot and killed him."

"Wow... how old were you again?"

"12."

"She was trying to protect you then." He mutters as Steve stares at him in confusion.

"Are you saying my mom lied to me? H-How did my dad die?" Steve questions quickly, heart beating out of his chest.

"Well... it happened as a horribly unfortunate series of events that..."

"That what?"

"That Buck kicked off out of fear... it really, really wasn't his fault. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"What happened?" Steve inquires harshly. His mom lied? What could have happened that was so horrible that getting sniped in the back of the head was a comforting lie.

"Well, from what the report sai-"

He's cut off by the front door swinging open and Bucky walks back in, phone in hand.

"Of course it's dead, at least I can take some pictures with the camera." Bucky's smile fades as he notices tears welling up in Steve's eyes, "Steve what's wrong?"

"You're the reason my dad's dead, aren't you?" He questions, voice wavering.

"Mini Rogers, did you hear what I said? It's not his fault-"

"You told him?!" Bucky snarls as he throws the phone on the couch and clenches his fists angrily, storming up to Dum.

"So it's true. You're the reason my dad died." Steve hisses with enough venom to kill a man. Bucky pushes Dum out of the apartment aggressively before turning to Steve and grabs him by the hair.

"Don't you  _ever_  fucking say that."

"Then was Dum lying?!"

"Get on your knees-"

"What did you do to get him killed?"

"I said. Get. On. Your. Knees."

"I'm not going to give you a fucking blowjob, tell me what happened."

"Steven I swear to fucking god if you don't get on your knees  _right_ _now._ "

"No." Steve states defiantly. Sure he was scared, downright terrified of Bucky right now. But he would be absolutely damned if sucked the brunette off right now, "Tell me what happened to my father."

Bucky grips Steve's hair tighter, to the point that the blonde was sure some was being ripped out. He grits his teeth and lets out a small grunt, refusing to tear up or whimper. He was done trying to appeal to Bucky's empathy, he was going to be the stoic, stubborn asshole he is.

"Bucky if you don't tell me right now I shit you not I will launch myself out of that fucking window." Steve snarls as he points to a large window on the opposite wall. Bucky clenches his jaw angrily before dragging Steve by the hair back into his room and locking the door.

"You know, I shouldn't have wasted that expensive makeup on a little punk like you." Bucky snips as he pins Steve to the bed and flips up the chemise and roughly tugs down the panties. Steve struggles angrily, kicking, scratching, doing anything he could to get Bucky off of him, "I was gonna start riding you but your dick is way too small you whore."

Steve starts to flush a bright red and leans his head back so he was facing the ceiling, he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to imagine any other situation. Peggy was about to go down on him. Yeah. It was going to be their first time and she was nice enough to offer a-

Bucky pulls on his dick  _hard_. Steve clenches his jaw as tightly as he could and can't help the small whine that emitted from his throat. The brunette continues to pump it violently as Steve manages to kick him in the face. He bursts up and scrambles to the bathroom, throwing himself in and locking the door just in time. Bucky rattles the handle angrily and throws himself at the door while Steve backs away. He crawls into the bathtub and lays flat on the bottom so Bucky couldn't see.

"STEVE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" Bucky hisses as the door rattles some more. Steve tries to control the asthma attack he felt coming on, tears pricking his eyes. Day two. This was only day fucking two of this nightmare. Maybe Dum would change his mind after Bucky snapped at him,, he might get out in less than an hour... or he was going to die here. He looks down at his sore crotch to try and distract himself and gently holds his throbbing dick. It was extremely warm and bright red, Bucky definitely did some internal damage. He takes a deep breath and leans back again, the yelling and rattling on the other side of the door fell silent and Steve takes a deep breath. He genuinely thought Bucky wasn't going to be violent with him. Thinking back that was a stupid idea, but it kept him comfort throughout the single worst 36 hours of his entire life.

"I'm not that small." He mutters quietly, staring at his shaft for a bit longer. He stands up and goes over to the door, making sure the lock was still in place. He turns to look in the mirror and quietly turns on the water, splashing some onto his face and using a hand towel to try and rub the makeup off, which really only smeared it. He rings the towel out the best he could before going back over to the tub and reaching up to grab two towels hanging up. He climbs back in and folds one of them, putting it underneath his upper half. He uses the second towel as a blanket and the hand one as a pillow. He gently lays down on his makeshift bed and sighs quietly. He deserved some peace and quiet.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I want to clear something up because I've seen a bunch of comments that make me think I wasn't totally clear. When Steve was thinking about how we might've given Bucky a chance if he wasn't dating Peggy, he meant he would've agreed to a date when they first met. So he was thinking as himself before everything happened, if that makes any sense???
> 
> Oh! Also a quick trigger warning if you've had to deal with the death of a loved one in the military

 

> _Steve's POV_

Steve woke up about an hour later as two strong arms lift him out of the tub. He slowly blinks awake and tries to squirm away from Bucky, why couldn't he just leave him alone.

"Bucky please stop..." He begs as the larger man sets him down on the bed, not making eye contact. He goes into the living room and comes back a minute later with a file.

"May 8th, 2010... Sergeant Barnes and Lieutenant Rogers set out on a standard patrol mission. After three hours of radio silence, a search team was sent out for the two..." Bucky reads, voice shaking. Steve stares at him nervously, that was the report his mom gave him.

"Buck this is the same thing I was tol-"

"When the search team found them, Lieutenant Rogers had been dead from gunshot wounds to the head for two hours. Sergeant Barnes had sustained third degrees burns on his left shoulder and upper back. He was incredibly protective of Lieutenant Rogers' body." He finishes, tears beginning to prick his icy blue eyes. Steve stares down at his lap, jaw clenched;

"That's what I was told minus you." He mutters quietly. Bucky shakily takes out two more pages and hands them to Steve, biting his lip. The blonde takes them warily and starts to read.

_**Baghdad, Iraq: 2010** _

_Bucky yawns a bit as he looks out over the open desert and up at the starry night sky, checking his watch periodically and only half listening to the static-y radio._

_"So Barnes," Joseph starts as Bucky perks up and looks over at him, "Sorry if I already asked this, but have you got anyone back home?"_

_"No, I'm single."_

_"Come on, you're attractive, I'm sure the girls are lining up" He chuckles. Bucky laughs uncomfortably back, "What's with the laugh?"_

_"U-Umm, can I be honest?"_

_"Of course."_

_"I'm actually gay." Bucky admits, blushing a dark red. Joseph stares at him for a moment before smiling;_

_"Nothing to be ashamed about." He assures. It was almost as if a weight was lifted off of Bucky. He takes a deep breath and laughs in relief._

_"So you're okay with..."_

_Joseph glances around a bit before stopping the jeep and turning off the gas and radio._

_"I grew up in an extremely conservative and religious Irish catholic family, so naturally I grew up surrounded by god hates gays being screamed into my ear-"_

_"But you saw right past that bullshit?"  Bucky questions as he nods._

_"Any hatred that strong has to be unjustified. Anyways, once we moved to America when I was 17-"_

_"Wait, sorry, you're an immigrant?"_

_"Mmhm, I was born and raised in Ireland. Same with my wife."_

_"So you have an accent?" Bucky questions, a grin forming across his lips._

_"Well, technically yes. Why?"_

_"Can I hear it?"_

_"You absolutely can not."_

_"Oh come on!"_

_"I sound like the Lucky Charms mascot."_

_"I'm sure you sound great, come on, please?" Bucky pleads, "I told you something it took 21 years to tell my immediate family, you owe me."_

_Joseph stares at him with a disbelieving grin, he shakes his head before shrugging;_

_"Fine, ahem, is this what you want to hear, Barnes." He questions in an average yet very understandable Irish accent. Bucky chuckles a bit and moves to turn the ignition back on._

_"Does your son have an accent?"_

_"Thankfully no, poor kid gets bullied enough already."_

_"He gets bullied?" Bucky inquires with pity._

_"Yeah... he takes after his mother much more than me, she's always been real... I'm not sure how to say it other than small. Physically of course, she's one of the strongest people I've ever met emotionally. But it makes him a target.”_

_"Oh... well I hope things get better for him."_

_Joseph starts the jeep back up and chuckles sadly;_

_"I do too. You know, last I saw him in person he had a broken arm from some kid that threw him into a trash can."_

_"Oh god that's awfu-"_

_Joseph quickly slaps a hand over Bucky's mouth. He throws his superior's hand away and gives him a 'what the hell' look. He points to a cave about an eighth of a mile away in response. It was glowing with lights as people walked in and out carrying crates of what could only be ammo and weapons. Bucky's eyes widen and a lump forms in his throat. He'd never actually engaged with an enemy before._

_"What do we do?" He whispers as the older man watches the terrorists do their work in a calculating manner, before moving down so he wasn't visible._

_"If we drive away they might hear us."_

_He looks around at the hill slightly blocking them from the view of the cave, and quietly jumps out of the jeep, taking a loaded AR-15 with him._

_"I need you to stay back in case we need to make a quick escape." He instructs as Bucky moves into the drivers seat, waiting him;_

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Seeing if I can get a closer look. If I'm not back in twenty minutes, go." Joseph commands quietly, all the playfulness in his voice was gone. Bucky swallows hard and nods, taking a gun as well and watching him sneak up and over the hill._

_After ten agonizing minutes, Bucky couldn't take it anymore. He quietly slides out of the jeep and keeps the door open so quick entry would be easier. He crawls over the hill and notices Joseph crouching behind a rock a couple hundred yards ahead, guards walking mere meters away from where he was positioned. Bucky's blood runs cold. If they saw him... his brain scrambles to try and think of ways to help him get out. He couldn't go down there, but he also might not have enough time to drive back to base and get help. He had to make a distraction._

_The brunette turns off the safety on his gun and takes a deep breath, before shooting into the air facing away from them a couple times. The guards instantly run towards where they thought the gunshots came from and Joseph's head whips over to him. Bucky quickly ducks down, trying to avoid the death glare his superior was giving him. There were a couple shouts in Arabic before a large floodlight turns on and they were both bathed in the bright light. Bucky's heart starts to beat out of his chest. His body goes into fight or flight mode as he notices the Al-Qaedan soldiers look around and spot Joseph, who quickly scrambled up and fired at the incoming soldiers. Bucky sprints down the hill and starts firing as well, just barely avoiding the bullets whizzing past him. He manages to shoot down a couple of the soldiers. Until..._

_*BANG* *BANG*_

_Joseph stares at Bucky blankly for a moment, before dropping the gun and collapsing face first into the sand. Bucky lets out a heart wrenching cry as he continues to sprint towards the retreating soldiers, who were dragging their injured men onto jeeps that roared off into the dark desert. He was running so fast he tripped and fell shoulder first into the ground, triggering a hidden landmine that blew a hole through his uniform and left a blistering burn on the back of his shoulder. He screams in pain before falling over, bleeding out in the sand. After a couple minutes he crawls over to Joseph, who had a pool of blood surrounding his head, turning all the sand a deep red._

_"N-No..." Bucky whimpers as he pulls Joseph's head onto his lap, using his hand to try and stop the bleeding, "No p-please... w-wake up..." He begs, tears beginning to stream down his cheeks, "L-Lieutenant... Jo-Joseph please..."_

_No response. Bucky gently pulls off the older man's glasses and very lightly uses his fingers to close his eyelids and cradles his head protectively._

_"Oh god... I-I'm so so-rry..." He whimpers, tears pouring down his cheeks. The large burn on his back blistered and stung, but he was almost numb to the pain. The grief and guilt began to set in and he can barely open his eyes he was crying so hard, letting out loud sobs and choking on his own spit. This was all his fault..._

* * *

_Bucky's POV_

He watches as Steve's eyes finish scanning the report, noticing the drops springing from his eyes. Bucky slightly moves forwards and puts a gentle hand on Steve's back;

"D-Did you finish it?"

The blonde gives him a small nods and moves away from Bucky, who stands up and goes into the duffel bag with Steve's stuff. He pulls out a pair of sweatpants and hands them to him, before going into his own drawer and taking out a large sweatshirt, way too big for the petite teen.

"I-I'll be in the other room finishing up dinner... If you want to talk then-"

"Why didn't you listen to him?" Steve questions, voice shaking, "Why did you have to go after him?"

"Are you telling me you wouldn't have done the same thing in my position?" He asks with a frown. Steve clenches his jaw and doesn't respond, instead looking away, "Just put on the sweats... dinner should be ready in 10 minutes."

"What are we eating?" He asks quietly as Bucky begins to leave the room.

"I'm just making some pasta and a side salad, nothing too fancy." He answers before walking out. He walks over to the pot and adds the pasta, occasionally stirring it while he walks around the kitchen to finish up putting out plates and napkins.

The brunette notices Steve walk out of the room in the corner of his eye, dressed in the sweatpants and sweatshirt that nearly swallowed him.

"There's bread and olive oil on the table of you want to start with that. They're both warm." He says as Steve goes to the sink to wash his hands. Bucky finishes cooking the pasta and drains it, before adding some seasoned olive oil and garlic. He grabs some tongs and tosses the salad in some dressing before setting all of it on the table, along with some forks and knives.

"I noticed how you barely touched your bacon, so I wanted to make something meat free for you. Are you a vegetarian?" He inquires as Steve cuts off a piece of bread and dips it in the olive oil.

"I don't love meat, but i'll eat it." He mumbles. Bucky watches him closely as he shyly eats the bread, then it hits him. Steve kept glancing at the door, and he was out of arm shot. He was going to make a run for it. The brunette stands up and walks over to Steve, gently taking his wrist and bringing him back into the bedroom.

"Hey what are you-"

Bucky pulls out the collar again and gently puts it around Steve's neck. He grabs the leash and attaches it to the collar, but bringing him back out to the table.

"I just don't want you to get any ideas my angel."

_Steve's POV_

God fucking dammit. He was so fucking close, he could practically smell the cool fall air. He shouldn't have been looking at the door so much, of course that was suspicious. And now Bucky was starting to get creepy again too... ugh he just wanted to leave. He wanted to give his mom and Peggy a huge hug each. He actually wanted to go to his dad's grave and leave some flowers, now knowing how he actually died.

But no. Bucky had to leash him.

"Yeah, meat isn't my favorite thing... all those animals in captivity, waiting to die." He comments as Bucky looks over at him with a frown, tying the leash to the table leg.

"Just eat your food you ungrateful punk." He snips as Steve rolls his eyes and looks away, taking another bite of bread,

"So is my pedophile comment punishment coming soon or...?"

"It should be here by tomorrow."

"For fucks sake can you just tell me what you're going to do to me?" Steve exasperates in annoyance. The suspense was absolutely killing him.

"I ordered some fetish gear alright? I wanted to use it on you, now just shut up and eat your damn food."

Steve mocks him under his breath before takes another bite of food, grumbling to himself. He just wanted to leave, was that too much to ask.


	16. Chapter 16

_Steve's POV_

 

The rest of the night was generally uneventful, just some awkward small talk and some wine Bucky got out and gave him permission to drink. In all honestly it was actually a pleasant evening, although Steve might've drunkenly consented because the next morning he woke up with a headache and sore ass. He wakes up with a groan and notices his hand was tied to the bedpost. After about 20 minutes of angrily tugging at the rope, he slumps against the head board, defeated. He just wanted to leave.

" _No brother, I don't need any help- I'm bringing up the last box no- Yes I carried everything up alright. Okay, I'll call you back when i get settled I'll- I'm hanging up now."  
_

A muffled voice states and Steve perks up, listening very carefully.

_"*sighs* I'm very capable of carrying my things up an elevator."_

The sound of jingling keys and doorknob turning makes his heart jump for joy. Someone was moving in next door.

"HELP! HE'S GOT ME TRAPPED IN HERE!" He screams at the top of his lungs, the jingling keys stopping abruptly, the door closing softly.

" _What?"_  The voice questions. It sounded strangely familiar.

"James Barnes is your next door neighbor! He kidnapped me a couple days ago! Please! Call the cops!" He explains loudly and urgently.

The other goes silent as Steve holds his breath and squeezes his eyes shut. Please be calling 911. Please be calling 911. Please be calling-

There was a jiggle on the front door handle and the blonde sits up a bit. Why the hell was he trying to get in? After about a minute the guy somehow got the door open and he walks inside, closing the door behind him. Steve gulps and backs himself against the bed frame. The bedroom door slowly creaks open and the blonde desperately pulls on the rope. His cool blue eyes meet the man's dark green and his jaw drops;

"Loki?!"

"Rogers?!"

Steve slumps against the head board and laughs in relief.

"This is where you've been?" The raven haired man questions as he walks further into the room. Steve nods quickly and pulls on the rope.

"Yes, Loki you need to get me out. I don't know what time it is and don't know when Bucky's gonna get back." He states urgently as Loki looks him up and down.

"Why did this man take you?"

"It's a really long story, Loki please, there are knives in the kitchen and- What are you doing?" He questions as Loki notices the box Bucky keeps the sex toys in peeking out of the closet. He walks over and picks it up, undoing the latch and looking inside. Steve's breath hitches and he starts to struggle even more.

"Loki let me go!" He snarls, beginning to panic. He sees the small smirk form on Loki's lips when he looks into the contents of the box and slowly closes it, before looking back up at Steve.

"Have you...?" He trails off, before noticing the collar around Steve's neck and smiles even harder, "A collar? You two have a dominant, submissive relationship, am I correct?"

"Loki." Steve states in a warning tone, "Go get the knife, and cut me free."

"Wow," Loki marvels, holding up the corset and the arm binder, "Have you worn this?"

Steve stares at him, entire face going a deep red. Damn the Irish in him, he looked like a sunburn victim. Loki puts them both back in and pulls out the ball gag. He walks over to the bed and puts a hand on Steve's face;

"Open up."

The smaller man pulls away and spits in his face;

"Don't fucking touch me."

Loki roughly takes his jaw and slaps him across the face as hard as he could.

"Open your mouth." He instructs firmly. Steve swallows hard, but keeps his mouth closed. Loki's expression doesn't change as he moves moves his hand to pin Steve's other hand to the head board. Steve tries to kick him away but the other man sits on his legs, pinning them to the bed. Steve's heart beats out of his chest, but he refuses to look scared, instead he opted for his angry glare.

"If you do this, Bucky's gonna kill you. I'm not kidding. He'd be willing to fucking kill you."

"Well then it's a good thing he's not going to." He grins, pulling out his phone, "Or else the police are going to come here and take you away from him. And he won't want that I assume?"

Steve clenches his jaw and glares at Loki furiously;

"So this whole situation is just a lose-lose for me?"

"I suppose. Now let's get these clothes off you."

_Bucky's POV_

Bucky's been on high alert ever since he looked up at the tv across from his desk and saw the top story all the local news channels. 19 year old college student missing. He knew that it might get picked up by the news but it was still nerve wracking. He hears an audible sigh and glances over at the man sitting across from him.

"Everything alright Sam?" He questions as the intern looks up at him.

"Yeah... just that guy on the news is my roommate." He mumbles sadly. Bucky's heart drops to his stomach and goes white as a sheet almost instantly.

"O-Oh... I'm sorry." He murmurs quickly, glancing up at the clock and noticing it was almost 4:30, "I think I'm going to head home early tonight. See you Wilson."

"Bye." Sam mumbles, staring at the tv sadly. Bucky quickly walks out of the building, face burning. He probably looked so guilty.

Bucky speed walks back to his apartment building and goes in the back entrance. After he checks the stairway he sprints up it and to his floor. He runs around the corner, pulling out his key.

_"F-Fuck! Please! Loki please! STO-"_

Bucky's heart stops as a loud, echoing slap pierces his eardrums. He quickly darts to his unlocked door and throws it open. Time almost seemed to slow as his eyes land on what was going on through the open bedroom door. A man had Steve,  _his_  Steve pinned to the bed, riding him. Steve was squirming underneath him, garbling into the hand securely placed over his mouth.

The brunette's vision went red. He was  _shaking_  with rage. He makes eye contact with Steve and he instantly perks up, writhing and screaming under the pale man's grip.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!" Bucky snarls as he storms into the bedroom and rips the man off of Steve, chest heaving, "Stevie are you okay?"

"Sorta." He mumbles, looking away and blushing. There was cum on his face. The veteran turns back around and towers over the intruder. Instead of the fear Bucky expected, he chuckles and moves back a bit.

"I wouldn't suggest touching me unless you want the police to be at your doorstep." He warns as Bucky clenches his jaw and takes a step back;

"If you know what's good for you I'd suggest leaving.  _Now_." He hisses as the man nods and stands up, going over to the nightstand to grab his phone.

"Oh, just a little tip for next time. Maybe don't leave your spare key under the welcome mat. It's laughably easy to find."

Bucky watches him go, pacing back and forth furiously. Steve watches shakily sits up, tugging on the rope around his wrist.

"Can you untie me?" He questions, trying to act as if nothing happened. Bucky turns around and punches the wall, leaving a large hole as he rips his hand out. Steve gulps and moves as far away from him as he can, "Loki, th-the guy, he said he'd be back for more."

Bucky walks over and rips the rope off with his bare hands, before lifting Steve up bridal style and carrying him into the bathroom. His angel needed a bath. A nice, calm, uninterrupted bath. Steve weakly fights back, most likely just to prove a point. He sets him in the tub and starts to run the water.

_Steve's POV_

His dick hurt. Loki wasn't gentle when he sucked him off and rode him. Why did he do it? Sure, he was much better friends with Thor, but it wasn't like he didn't like him. It wasn't like he was mean to him.

"Buck what are you doing?" Steve questions quietly, watching as Bucky stood up once turning on the water and going to the sink. He keeps an eye on Bucky as he gets a small hand towel and turns on the sink, running it under the cool water.

"How did he know you were in here?" He asks as Steve swallows hard and continues to stare at Bucky.

"I heard him outside. I wanted to get his attention." He states, as if completely obvious. The brunette walks back over and gently takes Steve's face, using the cool towel to wipe the drying cum off his face.

"Is the water too hot?" He asks softly, rubbing the blonde's face gently. Steve shakes his head and squirms a bit, "Good. I have bubble bath if you want it, it's rose scented."

"You're single and have rose scented bubble bath?" Steve questions, allowing himself a small chuckle. Bucky jokingly frowns at him;

"I've had that since I dated my ex, so ha." He taunts, "Brock tried to make me be more feminine then I actually am. Toxic masculinity. I left him when I realized what he was trying to do."

"Huh, sound familiar?" Steve snips in annoyance. Bucky frowns, for real this time, and stands up, going to get the soap.

"Is this Loki character going to come back?"

Steve sighs heavily and buries his face in his hands;

"I think he is... he moved in next door for prostitution. He told me that..."

"That what?" Bucky inquires, expression darkening.

"If his clients pay extra he might let them use me too... Buck, i-it's bad enough when you have sex with me, I-I don't want... there's always a risk of STDs and-"

"Steve." He interrupts, causing Steve to glance up at him, "That prick's never gonna touch you again. I promise you, you're safe with me."

Steve looks back down at the water, which was now covered in a thin layer of floral smelling bubbles. He just wanted to go home.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, sorry for not posting yesterday, ngl I kinda forgot :P

_**5 months later** _

_Steve's POV_

Rain falls in sheets outside the window, occasional flashes and low rumbles in the distance. Steve was sitting in the den, surrounded by blankets and crumpled up sketch paper, wearing only a baggy sweatshirt and underwear. His now shaggy hair fell over his eyes a bit, neither Bucky nor Loki wanted to cut his hair, it was easier to grab and pull like this. He didn't mind too bad, it just tangled easier. He grits his teeth and crumples up another piece of paper, tossing it to the side in annoyance. This time a few months ago he would've made a run for it, but he had to admit, living with Bucky got better with time. The Loki situation still sucked, but at least he always made sure the guys didn't have STDs.

"C'mon Rogers." He mumbles to himself before angrily beginning to draw again. Today was Bucky's 32nd birthday and he wanted to make it special, so he wanted to  _finally_  finish the angel commission. Except the pen to his drawing pad died and Bucky couldn't find a replacement charger anywhere. So he was back to square one.

_*BOOM!*_

A loud thunderclap causes Steve to jump and the entire apartment shook from its force. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head, before going back to drawing, glancing up at the clock and noticing it was past 4:45, Bucky was gonna be back from work in less than an hour. Steve quickly goes back to work, reaching for the fancy erasers Bucky had bought him for Christmas. God he loved his mother and how hard she worked to provide for him, but Bucky was able to afford so much more high quality art supplies.

After about half an hour he gets the line work down and begins to color, relying heavily on light yellows and whites for him and steely grays for the now added Bucky. Another 15 minutes passes and he decides to go to the bathroom to put on some makeup. Bucky liked it when he made love to him.

Steve goes back over to the couch and cleans up the area around him before finishing up the shading and coloring, he hears the door unlock and smiles widely.

"Hate to break it to you Buck, but 32 is a little too old for me." He teases, before turning around. All the color drains from his face. That wasn't Bucky. And it wasn't Loki either. It was two men, one he recognized as Bucky's shitty ex, Brock. The other he had no clue.

"Who the hell are you?" Brock questions gruffly as Steve tries to hide his bare legs underneath the blanket.

"How the fuck did you get in here?!" He snarls defensively, these guys were big and intimidating, but he didn't care.

"Buck's still shit at hiding the spare key- we thought we'd stop buy and give 'im a little birthday present. What are you his new boy toy?"

"I'm not his 'boy toy'." He growls through gritted teeth, "He's getting back in a few minutes so I'd recommend you scram it befor-"

"You're that kid who went missing." The other man interrupts, "In October, it was all over the news."

Brock's jaw drops and his eyes start gleaming;

"Shit, Jack you're right." He begins to walk over to the couch, where Steve was eyeing him warily, "Hmm, I see he's still got good taste."

"Touch me and that hand comes off." Steve warns, he didn't know exactly how to follow through on that threat, but it was worth a shot.

"Feisty, I like it. What was your name? S... Sean? S-Sam? No! Stan!"

"Steve." He corrects in annoyance, glancing at the clock. Brock notices and grins;

"Aw, you're waiting for Buck to come home, huh?"

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Well we were gonna-"

"Fuck the shit out of Barnes." Jack finishes as Brock nods enthusiastically. Steve's breath starts to quicken, so he does something any logically sound person wouldn't do and bursts up and towards the door. Jack tackles him to the ground and throws off his sweatshirt. Brock pulls out some tape, chuckling in excitement at Steve's lack of pants.

"You just want it so bad don't ya?" He teases as Steve angrily struggles underneath Jack's weight. His asthma starts to kick in, much to his dismay and Brock starts to tape his hands together, "Should we take 'im in the room or nah?"

Jack looks around and Brock notices his gaze stops at the smoke hood over the gas stove. They share a knowing look and hoist Steve up off the ground and over to the stove. They tape his hands to the hood and Steve cries out in protest, unable to actually speak. If only they gave him his fucking inhaler. He felt like he was gonna pass out.

Jack starts to undo his belt while Brock turns on the stove, first putting it on low, but then progressively increasing the high of the flame. Steve's teeth start to chatter and his desperately tries to prevent tears from falling, his lower stomach was actually on fire.

"Let's see why Barnes thought you were a better lay than Brock." Jack growls as he pulls Steve's underwear down just enough for access, and slides in without warning. No prep or anything.

"S- *wheeze* STO-OP *wheeze* GET THE F-FU- *cough* OFF!" Steve screeches. God this was so much worse than his first time with Bucky. He tries to kick Jack off but instead the tape begins to peel off and he falls chest first into the flames. He screams in pain before Jack pulls him off and onto the floor, taping his calves to the wood and continuing to fuck him.

"You wanna know why Jack gets to fuck you instead of me?" Brock questions as Steve grits his teeth and starts convulsing, trying to hold back the tears and cough, "We just found out he has HIV, we wanted ta give it to Buck but-"

"LOKI! CALL THE COPS" Steve screams, squirming now more than ever. He knew Loki most likely wasn't home, but it was worth a shot. When he found out he was bi, he looked up the chance of getting HIV and as the bottom it was 2%. With his luck it might as well be 100, "B-Bucky..." He whimpers into his arm, hardly even noticing Brock walking over with a knife.

"I could use tape for this, but this is much more fun." He grins before picking up Steve's hand and driving the knife through it and into the cabinet. Steve screams again and goes limp. Everything hurt, and he wanted to fight back, but his body just gave up. He was done. So he did the only thing he could and let them do whatever the fuck they wanted.

_Bucky's POV_

Today was actually a pretty good day. When he woke up Steve was still asleep, so he left him be before going to work and seeing the entire staff chipped in and bought him donuts and coffee. Then Sam and a couple of his friends he recognized from Steve's instagram threw some confetti at him before they left for an early St. Patricks Day party. He walks home in the rain, grumbling a bit as a wind gust gave him a chill and walks into the apartment complex. He jogs up the stairs and he raises an eyebrow when he gets to his floor, seeing Loki on the phone standing outside  _his_  door.

"Yes I don't know the circumstances... mmhm, please send a unit or two, thank you... should I- oh okay, I'll stay on." He mumbles, before moving his phone from his ear and glancing around nervously.

"What's going on?" Bucky questions as he tucks his hair behind his ear and walks over to his door, hearing voices inside. He takes a step back and grabs Loki by the neck, pinning him to the opposite wall, "Who the hell did you let in?!"

" _I_ didn't let anyone in. Last time I took Steve I put the spare exactly where I always do. Then I heard someone unlock it next door so I assumed it was you. Then Steve started screaming, whoever broke in knew where the key was." Loki explains calmly. Bucky drops him as the realization of what was most likely going on dawns on him. He storms up to the door and starts pounding;

"BROCK! BROCK GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF THERE! I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I'LL KILL YOU!" He snarls, throwing himself against the door to knock it down.

 _"Why don't you go and jerk off by yourself like you used to when we dated."_  Brock's gravelly voice sneers through the door. Bucky could hear grunting and whimpering in the background.

"Barnes. Barnes! Don't hurt yourself! The door isn't going to break!" Loki yells as he tries to pull Bucky away, "The police are coming I-"

"The cops?" He interrupts, swallowing hard, "D-Did you just say you're called the  _cops?"_

"Yes." The taller yet scrawnier man states, "Would you rather him be stuck in there with them or get him help and the medical treatment he needs?"

Bucky puts his ear up to the door and tears begin to stream down his cheeks. He wasn't ready to lose Steve... he wasn't ready to say goodbye and get locked up for god only knows how long. The elevator door opens and three cops walk out, one of which was Dum Dum, all having their hands on their guns.

"This the place?" One of them questions as Loki nods and points. Bucky takes a shaky breath and looks away, teeth chattering from anxiety. They go up to the door and knock, giving the formal 'NYPD, open the door' before shooting the door handle and storming into the room.

" _Step away from the kid, NOW!_ "

" _Woah, officers... I think we're getting off on the wron-_ "

* _BANG_ *

Bucky winces and is almost tempted to sprint down the stairs and run out the building, but a stern look from Loki makes him stop. Dum Dum walks out and turns Bucky around, cuffing him swiftly and pinning him to the wall;

"You shouldn't have brought the kid into your thing with Brock."

"I-I didn't want him to-"

"You shouldn't have brought the kid into this  _period_ , you wanted to make up for killing the Lieutenant?" He takes a deep breath to calm down before continuing, "This was not the way to do it."

Bucky lets out a small whimper as Dum Dum begins to lead him downstairs, on site medics sprinting past them, "Just please make sure he's gonna be okay..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Just a little clarification for exactly WHY Brock wanted Jack to give Steve HIV. So basically Bucky and Brock had a pretty bad breakup and indeterminate amount of time prior and they wanted to get back at Bucky by giving it to HIM. But since Steve was home alone and it was pretty easy to guess Bucky cared about him... yeah. But next chapter there's gonna be emotional angst, because as we all know, angst is as fun to read as it is to write


	18. Chapter 18

_Sarah's POV_

When she first got the call about Steve's disappearance, she genuinely did not believe it. Then when the police found his phone on the side of the freeway, she fucking lost it. Everyone seemed almost afraid to give her any comfort, their excuse was that losing her son was the same as losing her husband. That Joseph's death somehow  _lessened_  the pain of losing Steve, or that she would get through it easier because she'd already gone through that kind of loss. It took almost three months of wallowing and grieving for her to finally get back onto her feet.

And kill herself.

Not literally of course, although she was close a few times. She killed her former self. She stopped caring about societal expectations and judgement. She'd given birth almost 20 years ago yet never quite lost the baby weight, so she started working out to the point where she became buff, shaved the side of her head, stopped wearing makeup, and despite swearing to herself to never get a tattoo, her entire back became a canvas painted by her boys deaths. And she started to date around a bit.

But she didn't just change physically. Over the last five months she became more quiet and determined, she stopped going to church, started working longer more grueling hours. Anything,  _anything_  to preoccupy her tortured mind. The police told her Steve was most likely murdered and the sick fucks who did it burned his body and buried his ashes somewhere in the forest. She mostly distracted herself as to not imagine his fear in his last moments.

Sarah was at the gym on that stormy March day when she got the call. She was beating the ever loving shit out of a punching bag, her hair coming out of its lopsided ponytail. She feels the buzz in her pocket and takes a deep breath before stepping away from the sand bag and putting the phone up to her ear;

"Hello-... yes this is she... yeah I'm his emergency contact wh-"

She lowers the phone from her ear despite the person on the other line continuing to talk, her jaw drops slightly and her hands begin to shake.

* * *

She was at the hospital within ten minutes. She just grabbed her shit and sprinted the twelve blocks to her work, bursting through the main doors and up to the front desk.

"Where is he?!" She snips as the receptionist looks up at her and physically jumps;

"How'd you get here so fa-"

"Where the hell is he?!" She snarls again as another nurse notices and goes up to her.

"Sarah, he's on the 5th floor, room 523- Wait!"

Sarah was halfway in the elevator by the end of her sentence. The other nurse quickly goes after her and makes it into the elevator just in time for the doors to close. Sarah pushes on the fifth floor button impatiently gritting her teeth.

"Sarah, you need to take a deep brea-"

"I haven't seen my son in five months, I'll take a deep breath when I'm holding him, Ingrid." She spits. The door opens back up on the fifth floor and she books it out of there and into the correct room. Leaving her bag with Ingrid, who huffs in annoyance before picking it up and jogging after her.

The blonde scans the room numbers and practically launches herself into 523.

And crumples into a sobbing mess.

_Steve's POV_

He knew he'd passed out in Bucky's apartment, the asthma mixed with the burns and, well,  _stabbing_  all resulted in his body going into shutdown. Now he felt himself begin to wake up. Someone was holding his head... and crying. Was it Bucky? It had to be Bucky, but this bed didn't feel like his. And they didn't smell like him. It was so familiar yet he couldn't pin point it. He groans slightly and leans into whoever this was, liking their attention.

"Mmmm, Bucky..." He mumbles, just hoping it was him.

"No... Steven no... you'll never have to see him again..." The person mumbles, kissing him on the head. He groans again and crinkles is nose before opening his eyes.

"Mom?" He asks quietly, still unsure if it was actually her. She looked different.

"Yes, Steve yes it's me..." She whimpers, covering his face in kisses, "Oh god I missed you so much."

"You shaved the side of your head." He mumbles, Sarah let's out a small, tearful laugh and brushes the hair out of his face, "So you said no when  _I_  wanted to do it?"

"My little shit." She chuckles, pressing another kiss onto his temple, "The shave is nothing, look at my back." She turns around and pulls the back of her shirt up so Steve had a clear view. His jaw drops and he tries to sit up, leaning on his injured hand and hissing in pain, falling back down. Sarah notices and quickly turns back around and goes to help him.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, mom I'm-"

Sarah completely ignores him and goes to get some fresh gaze and some antibacterial spray. She unwraps the original and moves so her son couldn't see the gruesome wound. She'd seen some truly awful injuries, some probably worse than this, but the fact it was her Steve...

"Where's Bucky?" He asks quietly, gritting his teeth as the disinfectant spray hit his wound.

"In a holding cell in the NYPD headquarters. All we have to do is press charges and you'll never  _ever_  have to see hi-"

"What if... What if I don't want to press charges?" Steve interrupts timidly, looking away, "I want to see him again."

"Steve what on Earth are you talking about?"

"Bucky's one of the sweetest, most thoughtful and considerate people I've ever met-"

"The man that kidnapped you. The man that r-raped you." She states in utter disbelief.

"Yeah... him." He mumbles sheepishly, "Sure, we didn't meet in the most conventional way but once he dropped his whole creepy, rapey act I... I don't know, I just want to see him again..."

Sarah clenches her jaw and takes a deep breath, trying to control her overprotective nature;

"You're an adult, and I respect your decision. I'm just... this man left you like that-"

"Bucky wasn't there when Brock and Jack broke in."

"Who?"

"The guys that..." He trails off, the computer monitoring his heart rate beeping faster and faster. Sarah puts a hand on his arm and kisses him on the forehead again.

"Steve, you're safe." She assures, "Everything is okay, one of those men is dead."

"Really?"

"Yes, when the officers showed up one of them came at them with a knife and they shot and killed him."

Steve nods quietly, before taking a shaky breath and looking away;

"I just wanna see Bucky, okay?"

"Fine... o-once you're discharged we'll go and see him."

"Thank you."

_Bucky's POV_

"I can't fucking believe this. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT WAS YOU!" Sam snarls as he slams on the bars of Bucky's holding cell. He keeps his gaze glued to the concrete floor and tries to blink away the rapidly approaching tears. Nat and Tony quickly go over and hold Sam back, but he wasn't having any of it, "You saw how much it effected us. You saw how much it hurt! You watched and said NOTHING when Peggy came to work and broke down sobbing when she told me the cops said Steve was dead-"

"Sam!" Nat hisses as she gestures for him to calm down.

"Wilson, we're all pissed beyond belief but you need to relax." Tony snips, before turning around and shooting Bucky a death glare.

"I'm sorry okay. Steve's just... he's just so..."

"Awesome?"

"Caring?"

"Genuine?

Bucky sniffs and nods, looking up at them.

"He didn't want to give me a chance, but I needed a chance-"

"Well maybe if you hadn't gone on so strong."

"And he wasn't dating someone."

"Where is his girlfriend? P...enelope?"

"Peggy." Sam corrects, Nat putting up her hand to stop him from saying any more.

"She's heading to the hospital with his brother." Nat explains, pointing to Tony.

"What about his mom?" He asks quietly. Somehow it only now hit him just how hard it must've been for Lieutenant's wife.

"She's definitely there." Sam snarls, his hand forming into a fist.

"Cool it Arthur-"

"Arthur?" He questions defensively, Tony rolling his eyes dismissively.

"I'm referring to your fist geniu-"

"Excuse me." A voice interrupts, making them all jump. An officer and another man dressed in a white lab coat walk up behind them, "I'm sorry but you kids need to leave. We're starting to psychological analysis."

"What? Are you just going to tell me how fucked up I am?"

"Yes." The psychiatrist states in a vaguely Eastern European accent, "This will tell us whether or not you belong in a jail cell or a mental institution."

Bucky watches Steve's friends walk off before sighing, "Is there even a difference between the two?"

The officer opens the cell door and cuffs Bucky again before leading them out into a different room and strapping him into a lie detector, where a new person was waiting.

"Now that we are all set up, lets get started."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So unfortunately the speedy updates are gonna come to a stop. I've caught up to how much I've alread written, so now I've actually gotta think of new content and since schedules just stress me out and I can't keep to them, I'm afraid I don't know exactly WHEN the next chapter's gonna come out :/ Hopefully I can get it out soon though!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a picture of the back tattoos I drew but idk how to insert them so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

_ Bucky's POV _

"We need a baseline for your vitals... is your name James Barnes?" The lie detector operator asks. Bucky takes a deep breath and nods;

"Yes."

"How old are you James?"

"32 today." He answers, the man giving him a small frown.

The operator gives Bucky an unamused look, “Dr. Zemo will be giving you a psychological evaluation to determine whether or not you are mentally sound."

"I'm not insane." Bucky defends, clenching his fists slightly, causing the security guard in the room to step forwards in warning.

"We have a source that says you knew your victim's father, is that correct?" Zemo questions. Bucky takes a deep breath to calm down and nods.

"Yes."

"And you feel fully responsible for his death."

"Yes." He answers through gritted teeth. Zemo looks up at the lie detector, who nods.

"He's telling the truth."

"Good. Did that incident have any influence on why you became infatuated with Mr. Rogers?"

"No."

The operator watches the polygraph form and shook his head, "He's lying." He states. Zemo raises an eyebrow and Bucky frowns.

"I'm not lying."

"Are you sure?" The psychiatrist inquires, leaning back into his chair.

"Yes, I-I mean, once I found out his dad was Lieutenant Rogers I noticed how much they look alike, but..."

"But what?"

"I never consciously made the decision to keep Steve safe for him. I fell in love with Steve before I knew about his dad."

"James, can I be honest with you?" Zemo questions, taking off his glasses and setting them on the table, "I don't think you're a danger to the public, and you seem like a nice enough man. But if Rogers decides to press charges, you will be going away for a long time. And there is nothing you can do about it."

Bucky swallows hard and nods.

"Okay, thank you..."

_ Steve's POV _

"The left half is for you and the right for your father." Sarah explains as Steve stares at her tattooed back in awe.

 

 

“What do those mean?” He questions, pointing to the two columns of numbers on each side of her back.

“The left side of each row is the birthdate and right the death date.” She answers, swallowing hard. Steve furrows his brows and stares at his.10-13-17. It was just strange seeing that. That’s his death date. That’s when everyone thought he was dead. He begins to wonder if maybe there was a death certificate made.

“Mom?”

“Yes honey?”

“I’m sorry…” He mumbles, looking down. Sarah gently takes his chin and brings it up.

“What on Earth are you sorry for?”

“Making you worry.” He mumbles. Sarah lets out a small sad laugh and kisses him on the forehead protectively.

“Steve none of this is your fault-“

“Yes it is.”

“How? Did you  _ invite _ him to do this?”

“No, no, of course not. I just…didn’t leave. I had so many chances but I didn’t leave. And now I have to get tested for HIV and-”

“What?” Sarah interrupts, all the blood draining from her face. 

“Jack, the guy who… he had HIV. He wanted to give it to Bucky but I was home and…”

“He tried to give it to you.” She finishes, hands shaking. Steve noticed how terrified she looked and puts a hand on her arm to calm her down.

“Mom.” He says quietly, leaning into her, “I’ll be okay.”

She gives him a small, sad smile and nods.

“You always are.”

Steve smiles back before hearing rapidly approaching footsteps from outside the room. Then, faster as a bullet, Peggy was on the bed and kissing him on the lips passionately.

“You’re alright.” She breathes out in between small sobs. Steve instantly freezes up and his heart rate skyrockets.

“Stop!” He squeaks, pulling his head away. He couldn’t understand why but he  _ hated _ that. It made him feel so uncomfortable. Peggy pulls away as well and Sarah stares at him in concern.

“Steve what’s wrong?” She questions urgently, grabbing Steve’s face and inspecting it. Peggy stood next to the bed in stunned silence. Did she do something wrong?

“N-Nothing, I don’t think…” He mutters, before looking up at Peggy and feeling a massive wave of guilt hit him. She didn’t light that spark in him anymore. He couldn’t look at her and say he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. It almost broke his heart.

“Peggy I-”

“Haha, bye Howard. See you real soon.” A sultry voice chuckles from outside the room as Howard stumbles in, neck covered in lipstick and hair a mess.

“Goodbye intern Maria-”

“Howard!” Peggy snips as she smacks him upside the head and drags him into the room.

“Good to see you haven’t changed.” Steve chuckles with a small grin. Howards smiles sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck.

“It's good to see you. Tony and Sam have been worried sick about you. Mostly Sam though.”

“You too.” He couldn’t help but not feel too concerned about Sam and Tony. Sure, he cares about them but he has bigger things on his mind. Namely, Bucky, where he was at and when Steve would see him again. He was pulled out of his thoughts by an announcement over the intercoms.

_ “Can Howard Stark please report to the third floor lobby? I’ve got a surprise for you.” _ Howard perks up and pats Steve’s shoulder a couple times.

“That was Maria, I’ve got to go. I really hope you get better.” He says before running out of the room, leaving the three of them.

“That was quick…” Steve nearly scoffs and shakes his head.

“Um, can I talk to him alone for a bit?” Peggy asks cautiously, unsure of how Sarah would react. Steve looks up at his mother and nods.

“Yeah, you’ve been here for a while, maybe you should get a little rest.”

Sarah stares at him, very hesitant to leave his side.

“I’ll go home to take a shower and change into my work clothes.” She says, biting her lip a bit before kissing Steve again, “I’ll be back in 45 minutes.”

“Okay, bye mom.”

“Bye Ms. Rogers.” Peggy says as Sarah picks up her bag and walks out of the room, keeping her eye on Steve as long as she could before leaving, “Steve, what happened to you?” She asks in concern, looking as his gauzed hand and the burn peeking out from his hospital gown.

“A lot.” He mumbles, not making eye contact.

“Okay… why did you act so strange when I tried to kiss you?” She questions, putting a hand on his arm. He pulls it away, her touch tingling in the worst way possible. Now that he thought about it his mother made him feel the same way. And Howard… “Steve?”

Steve looks up at her and bites his lip.

“Peggy, I, uh, I don’t know why but please don’t touch me.” Steve mumbles quietly, moving away.

“What did Barnes do to you?” She mutters, now making eye contact with the bedsheets.

“ _ He _ didn’t do anything. At least not recently. I just… I don’t want you to touch me.” 

Peggy looks at him with a sort of confused look. “Did I do something wrong?” She whispers softly. Steve shakes his head and sighs softly;

“No, of course not. I just need to figure some things out.” He explains. God he felt so bad. Peggy didn’t deserve this. He didn’t want to break up with her. There’s a small pause between them before Steve speaks.

“Where is everyone else?” He asks quietly.

“Tony, Sam, and Natasha are all confronting Barnes, they should be her-”

“I don’t want them to make Buck feel any worse than he already does.” 

“But Steve-”

“He’s a really sweet guy. He just made some bad choices-”

“Uh, yeah, I’d say kidnapping  _ is _ a poor sense of judgment.” She snips back. Steve clenches his jaw and sits up some more.

“Look, I know you care about me-”

“That’s an understatement.”

Steve blinks a couple times and stares at her in disbelief. That was the closest she’s ever come to saying ‘I love you.’ “But…” He tries to find the right words, Peggy’s angry gaze boring a hole through his soul, “Right now I need to figure out some things-”

“What are these ‘things’ exactly?! Because you keep mentioning them and-”

“I’m not going to press charges!” Steve snarls, interrupting her. The brunette blinks a couple times, chocolate brown eyes as wide as saucers.

“What did you just say?” She questions, mouth gaped open a bit. She couldn’t believe what she heard, her ears must have tricked her.

“I said… I’m not pressing charges against Bucky.” He snips quietly, face burning. Peggy stares at him for a bit longer before picking her up bag and taking a deep breath.

“Do you want to end things?”

Steve closes his eyes and nods. It was like ripping off the world’s most painful bandage. 

“Fine… Good luck telling your mother you won’t hold Barnes accountable. I’m sure she’ll love hearing that.” 

With that, she was gone, tears streaming down her cheeks. Steve leans back in the bed, teeth chattering from anxiety. Oh god, his mother, she wasn’t going to kill him, she was going to kill Bucky.

_ Bucky’s POV _

After they finished up the psychological exam Bucky went back to his cell. His heart and mind were both racing. In his soul he desperately wanted to believe that Steve was going to let him go. That he was going to stay with him. Realistically, he was going to prison and not coming out for a long time. As his mind wandered farther and farther into the future, his hair grey and face wrinkled as he rotted away in a cell, the only thing that would truly make it hell is the reality that he would never see Steve again. He’d never wake up to his beautiful face in the morning. Never hear him laugh again, or make love to him again. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to handle that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to add this, but a HUGE thank you to anon Joey for helping beta read this chapter!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So just a little heads up, in the flashback the underlining in the beginning is Sarah leaving messages. Also a big thank you for anon Joey for beta reading!

_ Steve’s POV _

He had been sitting in the hospital room for god only knows how long by himself. Probably only about half an hour but it still sucked. Peggy probably hated him. And rightfully so. Another couple minutes go by and his mother runs back into the room in her nurse scrubs, hair soaking wet.

“Steve I- Where’s Peggy?”

“She left.” He mumbles, blushing hard and turning away. Sarah notices how uncomfortable he looks and sits down next to him on the bed.

“Honey, what’s the matter?” She questions in concern, brushing his bangs out of his face with the back of her hand. Steve freezes up and bats away her hand.

“D-Don’t... We broke up.” He mumbles, clenching his jaw and looking away, “I’m not pressing charges against Bucky.”

“Steve…”

“Don’t try to change my mind, it's not going to wor-”

“Steve, you  _ can’t _ do that. It’s the state that presses charges.” She explains, leaning down to kiss him. Steve moves away and grips the blanket tightly. Sarah stares at him with a heartbroken expression, “Steven…”

“I-I can’t explain it… but human contact is making me uncomfortable.”

“But I’m your mother.” She croaks, reaching for him again. Steve grunts in annoyance and leans on his bad hand to try and get away, gritting his teeth in pain.

“Mom please!” He snips, putting his hand up to keep her from getting closer. He suddenly feels incredibly guilty and looks over, yet avoiding eye contact, “Please… just don’t touch me…”

Sarah swallows hard and nods, moving away and failing to hide her incoming tears.

“The, uh, the front desk said you’ll be discharged tonight… I was thinking maybe you could spend the night in your old room, be around familiar things. It’ll be good for you.” She says, although it came out more like a whimper.

“Bucky’s bed is familiar.” He mumbles, “I want to be there. I want to be with him.”

“Steve please… I know you’re going through some sort of Stockholm Syndrome but at least pretend to be happy to see me. It’s killing me to see you this way.” She whispers, choking up, “You were gone for five months. Can you even begin to imagine what that was like for me-”

“For you?” Steve interrupts, hand turning into a fist, “Mom I was the one that was fucking kidnapped.”

“St-Steve watch your tongue-”

“No. When you found out I wasn’t dead you didn’t care about how I was feeling, did you? All you were thinking about was yourself.” He snarls. Why was he being like this? He couldn’t quite pinpoint where this anger was coming from but it was there.

“Steven Grant.” She hisses, tears now freely falling down her cheeks, “How  _ dare _ you claim I don’t care about you!”

“Well it’s true!”

**_Brooklyn, New York: July 4th, 1998_ **

_ “Joseph? Its me, I know I’m not due for another month but I think I’m getting labor cramps.” _

_ “The cramps are getting worse, I truly think I’m in- ah! Please call back.” _

_ “My water just broke, this is happening, answer the phone!” _

_ “I know we aren’t on the best terms at the moment but this is your child too.” _

_ “I’m on my way to the hospital now, PICK UP!” _

_ “I-I’m- AH! I’m in the delivery room, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!” _

_ “He’s a boy.” The nurse says with a smile, bringing a small crying bundle to a disheveled, sweaty, and heavily breathing Sarah. She looks over and can’t help but give a small smile as she’s handed the baby. _

_ “Hi there.” She mumbles, pressing a small kiss to his forehead. He instantly calms down and coos a bit, snuggling into her chest, “Can you give us a little time alone?” She asks as the nurse nods and obliges, leaving swiftly. _

_ Sarah looks back down at him and bites her lip, a couple tears dripping down her face. She lets out a small, tearful chuckle and kisses him again, “Hi Steven.” _

_ Steven. That seemed like a name that would fit him. Steven Grant. She debated whether or not to give him her maiden name, but decides against it. Joseph would throw a fit if she does that. Steve yawns and begins to fall asleep, Sarah staring at him with what could only be described as the epitome of pure love and adoration. They stay like that for a couple minutes before her phone rings, waking Steve up. She quickly tries to calm him down before answering it. _

_ “Hello?” _

_ “Sarah?” _

_ “Yes, Joseph where the hell have you been?! I’ve been trying to contact you for the last ten hours!” She whisper-yells, trying not to disturb Steve. _

_ “ _ _ I got drunk again. _ _ ” _

_ Her blood starts to boil. Why would she ever think a 23 year old Irish man would give up drinking for her? “What did you do this time?” She nearly snarls. _

_ “ _ _ Got in a fist fight… and caused some property damage. Sarah I need 1200 dollars. I know we’re a little tight on money right now but- _ _ ” _

_ Steve starts crying and Sarah jams the phone between her ear and shoulder as she lowers him down to her chest to eat. _

_ “ _ _ Is that a baby? Where are you? _ _ ” _

_ “That’s your son you-” She looks down at Steve and takes a deep breath, “He was early.” _

_ “ _ _ Ya didn’t even call? _ _ ” _

_ She takes the phone and hangs up, leaning back into the bed. He was going to be pissed when he got out of jail but she didn’t care. All that mattered right now was Steve, this precious little thing in her arms, “I promise I’ll take care of you, my grá mo chroí(sweetheart in old Irish gaelic)… I love you so much.”  _

_ Steve’s POV _

He didn’t expect his mother to start crying like that. Truly, he didn’t. She always seemed so strong and collected. But there she was, covering her face and sobbing into her hands. It was almost as bad as when they found out his dad died. She stands up and runs out of the room, presumably to the nearest bathroom, guilt continuing to eat him alive. Just a few moments after that, Nat walks into the room, clutching her chest.

“Oh my god, I just saw your mom run past crying, I thought you had died or something.” She breaths before pulling up a chair and plopping herself next to him, “We talked to Barnes, Sam  _ really _ gave it to him-”

“Nat, you shouldn’t be here.” Steve mumbles, not making eye contact, “Every woman I’ve talked to today has walked out feeling like shit because of me.”

Nat furrows her brows and gives him a confused look, “What does that mean?”

“I broke up with Peggy and told my mom she doesn’t care about me. Is that enough to answer your question?” He snips, at this point he might as well ruin all his closest relationships. Nat leans over and smacks him upside the head.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” She snaps, Steve holds the back of his head and glares at her.

“What’s wrong with  _ me _ ?! What the hell is wrong with you?!” He snarls back. Nat purses her lips and frowns.

“Why would you break up with Peggy?” 

“Because...”

“Because why?”

“Because it didn’t seem right anymore.” He mumbles, arms crossed. “I don’t look at her the same way I used to.”   
“Okay whatever, you don’t see her the same way, but that couldn’t have waited until  _ after _ things have settled down? She thought you were dead, we all did.”

“She bad mouthed Bucky. I couldn’t just let her-”

“Yes you could. You absolutely could have.”

“No I couldn’t. Nat you have no idea how much Bucky cares about me.” Steve defends. Nat’s frown deepens and she gets in his face;

“You really think he cares more about you than your mom? Telling her she doesn’t care about you after thinking you were  _ dead _ is probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” She snarls, before standing up and heading towards the door, “If you want to distance yourself, fine. But Barnes is going away for a  _ minimum _ of five years.” She explains before leaving. 

Steve grits his teeth and tucks his knees to his chest, hissing in pain as his knees touched his burns. He forgot about them. He rolls over and yells into the pillow for a bit, staring at the opposite wall and silently crying. Everything was just so messed up and he had no idea how to fix it. He just wanted to see Bucky. 


	21. Chapter 21

**_1 month later_ **

_ Bucky’s POV _

He’s been in prison for three weeks now. Even after Steve testified and begged them not to convict him, Bucky was 21 days into a 915 day sentence without bail. But if he even so much as touches another inmate, his time will double. And worst of all, they wouldn’t let Steve see him. He has to go a minimum of two and a half years without seeing his Stevie.

And it didn’t help his situation at all that-

“Hey James.” Rumlow smirks as he walks up behind Bucky in his own orange jumpsuit, giving him a playful pat on the ass, “How’re you holding up?”

“Fuck you.” Bucky snarls, jerking away from him, “Neither of us would’ve been in here and your friend would still be alive if you just left me the fuck alone.”

“Awww, but then I couldn’t’ve seen your boy. You really did pick a good twink. Still got good taste.” Brock says with a wink before leaning on the wall next to him, “Can’t believe you got to hit that kid everyday. I still have a hard time thinking of you as a top though. You were a sweetass bottom.” 

Bucky grits his teeth and closes his hand into a fist. He tries to calm himself by taking a deep breath and glancing over at a nearby guard. Oh god it was so tempting to beat the shit out of Brock, but he couldn’t afford that two extra years. He didn’t want to get out closer to 40 than 30. And Brock knew that.

“Speaking of bottoms.” He mutters with a grin, Bucky looking up at him with a glare, “C’mon, for old time’s sake.”

“You’re the reason my life fell apart.” He hisses, “Why the fuck would I  _ ever _ want to hook up with you?”

“Because for the next two years I’m all you’ve got.” 

_ Steve’s POV _

Everything about his life was so different now. Everyone around him walked on eggshells. No one would even  _ say _ Bucky’s name. They were afraid it’d trigger some sort of PTSD. The only thing it triggered was how much he missed Bucky.

Steve was sitting in his dorm, alone, scrolling through all the commissions people had sent in since he was kidnapped. He wanted to draw. He really needed the money but, he just couldn’t force himself to do it. He didn’t really give the court ordered therapist much to work with either. All the shit he was going through was his and he didn’t want to dump that on someone else, even if it was their job. 

Since the semester had changed, Sam moved to a new dorm so he could be with Tony’s friend Rhodey instead of alone. It made sense, but now it sucked because Steve couldn’t figure out his new roommate’s schedule. He was an African exchange student named T’Challa, he was nice enough from the couple short conversations they had through the days but, other than that, he didn’t really know him. He seems like the judgemental type. Not that that was a bad thing. 

After a couple more minutes he decides to plug in his earbuds and scroll through youtube. It was just easier to watch videos with earbuds in. He begins scrolling through his feed, not even knowing where to start. He decides to just go to the Ted X channel and try and find a couple good Ted Talks he could waste his time watching before having to go to his graphic design class. He scrolls through the channel, frowning a bit at his inability to find a good one, before his heart stops.

_ How loss builds strength _

His mother was in the thumbnail. She did a Ted Talk? His hand starts to shake before he taps it and bites his lip as it starts up.

**_2 months earlier_ **

_ Sarah’s POV _

_ “Don’t worry Ms. Rogers. You’re going to do amazing.” Peggy encourages as Sarah takes a shaky breath and stares up at the empty stage. A person walks up and helps her put her microphone. _

_ “You’re on in one minute.” _

_ “I don’t think I can do this.” Sarah murmurs, putting her hand over the microphone so no one could hear. Peggy gives her a sad look and puts a hand on her shoulder. _

_ “Do you know all your lines?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Have you practiced this a thousand times?” _

_ “Yes but-” _

_ “Then there’s nothing to worry about. We’re all going to be right here supporting you.” Peggy assures as Tony, Howard, Sam, and Nat all look up and nod. _

_ “You’re going to do great!” _

_ “Go get ‘em!” _

_ Sarah smiles at them before looking back at Peggy and swallowing hard. _

_ “What if I get too choked up?” _

_ “Then take a deep breath and think about the time when Steve-” _

_ “You’re on.” The same man from before states. Sarah freezes up before Peggy pushes her up. _

_ “Break a leg!” She whisper yells as the room of around 500 people goes silent. Sarah takes a deep breath before taking the remote that changed the visuals and walking onto the stage. She looks around at all the people, then glances at the camera before speaking. _

_ “You know when you’re a little kid, and you always dreamed about your future? And you always imagined marrying the person of your dreams, living in a big house with a yard, and your few little kids running around with your purebred golden? As a little kid, you never anticipate reality. You never anticipate the loss and grief that you will inevitably experience.” She glances at Peggy, who smiles and gives her a thumbs up, “I am 41 years old, and I’ve lost both my parents, my husband, and my son.” _

_ She looks around the crowd and notices a couple people put their hands over their mouths. _

_ “I had ambitious dreams when I was a little girl. I am an Irish-American immigrant who would never have even dreamed of leaving the country. I absolutely loved it there. My plan in life was to move to Dublin, become a news anchor, then marry the man of my dreams in a large, extravagant wedding ceremony, then move into a large house in the suburbs.” She takes another deep breath before pressing a button and a slightly grainy picture of two little kids, one boy and one girl, sitting in a field eating a picnic together, “This was taken two days after I was forced to kiss this kid in a game of spin the bottle.” She switches the slide again, now showing a very awkward yearbook picture of the boy, the entire crowd chuckling. “If you had told me then I was going to marry Joey Rogers, I would have punched you in the face.” _

_ She looks up at the picture and takes a shaky breath before continuing; _

_ “But after that dumb little picnic date where both of our parents were only sitting a couple feet away, we became best friends. Jarah, kids gave us a couple name before couple names were even a thing.” She flips through a couple more pictures, each with them becoming progressively older, until she stops at their 8th grade graduation. _

_ “Then in the summer of 1990, we went from best friends to dating, which really wasn’t that big of a transition. Instead of platonically holding hands we began kissing. Then from kissing to… well I think you can all guess.” She laughs, before glancing at Peggy again, who smiles and nods, giving her a thumbs up. _

_ “Everything was going fantastic, until our junior year in high school when Joseph’s father’s work transferred him from Limerick to New York City.” She takes a deep breath, thinking back on how heartbroken she was on the day he left. “I was absolutely destroyed when he left. He was my whole world, my rock, my protector, the man I had already told myself I was going to marry and the man I had predestined to be the father of my children.” She clears her throat a bit. “We had kept in touch a bit, but not as much as either of us had liked. He finished up high school and went to business school for two years in the US and I stayed in Ireland and worked on a degree in journalistic writing, I wanted to be a correspondent for CNN, ambitious, I know.” _

_ Peggy mouths something along the lines of ‘you’re rambling a bit’ and Sarah instantly starts to feel pressure again. _

_ “Th-Then, excuse me, then my university gave me the opportunity to study abroad and gain an internship at NBC, in New York City. It meant I got to see Joe again and I was head over heels excited. So, at 20 years old, I waved my parents and their dog behind and got onto a plane to New York and never looked back. And seeing him again… Meeting Joseph at the airport… it felt like a fantasy. He scooped me up in his arms and we hugged so tight neither of us could breathe. Unfortunately, while we were apart he never… He never mentioned in his letters how he became an alcoholic. Instead of the extravagant wedding I dreamed of, we had a green card wedding because my visa was about to expire and I didn’t want to go back. Then, without my knowledge, when we consummated our marriage he… he cut a hole in the condom.” She mutters, clenching her jaw tightly, “I was only 21. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. But soon enough, 8 months later, I had Steven.” She clicks another button and a couple of Steve’s baby pictures appear, earning a couple of ‘awww’s from the audience. _

_ “During Steve’s first couple years Joseph and I were still technically married, but separated. He would take Steve every other weekend and I would work my ass off to put food on the table. Another dream I realized wasn’t going to happen were my suburban utopia and job, so I took a janitorial job at a nearby hospital and became a marginally better paid nurse. Steve was about two at this time so I dropped him off at the nursery everyday and he played with the other toddlers. It was brutal because I  _ _ knew _ _ Joseph was still living in his parents’ nice apartment and eating their food while all the income he made went directly into his pocket. He was the one that took our son around, boasted him to the girls that would flirt with him in line at the store, bought him gifts, took him to nice restaurants. He truly was a good father, just… the times he didn’t have to raise his son, he was an entitled, and god rest his soul he knows this, douche.”  _

_ She chuckles, before going solemn as she prepares to move to the next part of her speech, clicking the remote to a new slide with her and presumably her parents. _

_ “2001 was an emotionally straining year to say the least. My parents never really had much money either, but at that point they were finally able to afford to visit New York and meet their grandson for the very first time. U-Unfortunately they never even made it to the airport… Their cab was in a traffic accident and both them and the driver were killed…” She takes a moment before continuing. “That was the first profound loss I ever experienced. And it was hell because I blamed myself, it was because of me they were in that cab to begin with. Then my clinical depression emerged and I have been struggling with it since. B-But their deaths made me realize just how strong a parental connection truly is. I wasn’t a neglectful mother by a long shot, but I made a point of taking more breaks, even if it meant missing lunch, to go play with Steve in the daycare, just so he would know how much I care, even as a toddler who could barely walk.” She clicks another button and a picture of the World Trade Center appears. _

_ “Then, a few months after my parents, the September 11 attacks occurred… and Joe worked in the North Tower as an office temp. It was in that moment, that  _ _ crucial _ _ moment of looking up at the television and thinking my son may not grow up with a father chilled me to my core. And... “ She pauses for a moment to try and find the right words. “I realized just how much I needed him and how much I would miss him if he didn’t make it out.”  _

_ She clicks to the next, which was a 2001 Christmas card of the three of them. _

_ “Fortunately, he did. He was on a low enough floor where he was able to escape relatively quickly, and we were able to take that picture. A few months pass and he then decided to enlist in the military like many brave men and women that were rightfully horrified by what had happened and wanted to help. I would be lying if I said it was easy, but I respected what he wanted and over the next nine years, things calmed down, we were happily married, Steve was growing up in a loving and supportive home, and Joe was just six weeks from finally retiring from active duty and coming home for good.” _

_ Sarah’s teeth start to chatter and tears form in her eyes. _

_ “Th-Then…” She chokes, glancing at Peggy for support, who gives her a sad smile, “H-His off duty commanding officer, wh-who was also a personal friend came up to me at my work and just hugged me completely off guard and whispered ‘I’m sorry’ into my ear.” She chews on her lip and clears her throat a bit, “A-And that’s when I knew he was gone… He was six weeks away from civilian life. Six weeks away from going to Steve’s art galleries. S-Six weeks away from the prospect of having another child… All taken away by two shots point blank to the head.” She takes a shaky breath and looks down, noticing her hands were trembling as well. _

_ “That was undoubtedly the hardest thing I had ever had to experience. The plan was for us to grow old together, get sick together, then die together. He was only 35, I was only 34. I had to help our 12 year old son grieve when I could barely handle it myself. But just as Joe was my rock when he was alive… Steve remained the most resilient, kind hearted, and supportive young man I could have possibly hoped for. When I had to take off work he went online and sold his artwork to bring in extra money. He is just that kind of person.” She gushes, before gulping as she approaches the part of her speech she had been dreading the most. _

_ “I-I always dreaded the day I died because I saw how much his father’s death affected him and I knew how much it hurt, I never wanted him to feel that way… J-Just never i-in a million years did I ever-” A small whimper escapes her throat and she tries to muscle through, “e-ever imagine I would see the police at my door, and have them tell me…” Her voice begins to crack, “Th-That my precious little boy, wh-who I promised I w-would protect from any-thi-ng,” she strains, “w-went missing without a trace. H-He’s still unfound. Presumed dead. A-And I-” _

_ Steve’s POV _

Steve turns off his phone and sets it aside, tears streaming down his face as he buries it in his hands. He fucking hated himself. Why the fuck was he such an ass to his mom? He nearly slaps himself for being such a thick headed idiot. How had it not  _ once _ occurred to him that he-

“Shit.” He mumbles softly into his hands, pulling his head up and staring at the opposite wall. There was no way he could take back the vile shit that he had said to her. What the fuck was he saying when he said she didn’t care about him? What the actual fuck?! He needed to figure out a way to make it up to her, to everyone in his life he isolated. Bucky wasn’t his whole world anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, sorry it took so long to get this out, I had writers block for what felt like forever. I'd like to thank anon Joey again for helping me write this and a Happy Holidays to all of you!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: If you're sensitive to any mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, actions, etc. proceed with extreme caution

_ Steve’s POV _

_ *knock* *knock* *knock* _

“Comin’!” A voice cheerfully rings from inside the closed dorm room. Steve takes a deep breath and shuffles his cinch bag behind his back, tapping his foot nervously. Angie’s cheerful face answers, her smile falling a bit when she sees its Steve. “What do you want?”

Steve looks past her and notices Peggy glance up, before quickly burying her nose in her phone passively aggressively.

“She was ignoring my calls. Peggy please just talk to me,” Steve begs as he cranes his neck a bit more, trying to sneak his way into the room. Angie frowns and slams the door into his foot, causing Steve to grit his teeth and stumble back.

“She’s ignoring you for a reason,” she hisses as Steve clenches his jaw.

“Peggy please, two minutes. That’s all I as-”

“Just leave her alone-” Angie’s cut off by Peggy standing up and moving her out of the way.

“You have one minute,” she states coolly. Steve looks up at her and nods.

“That’s all I ask for,” he says, before pulling her out in the hall and grabbing the bag, “I brought you some stuff.” He mutters, sitting down against the wall and digging through his stuff, Peggy moving next to him.

“45 seconds.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he mumbles before handing her a piece of paper. A sketch of her.

“Do you really think this is going to-”

“Read the date on the back,” he instructs. Peggy checks her watch and huffs before doing so.

“November 4th 2017…” She mumbles, before looking back  up at him, “Wasn’t this when you…”

“When I was with Bucky? Yeah… that was the first time he let me draw something that wasn’t some sex fantasy. He got mad at me and…” Steve bites his lip, “It’s not important. He thought he threw it away but I kept it.”

Peggy’s expression softens and she stares at Steve wistfully, “Steve…”

Steve sighs lightly and leans into her, resting his head on her shoulder and burrowing his nose into the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry for being such a douchebag.” His wide blue eyes meet her chocolate and she leans down to give him a light peck on the top of the head.

“Hey… you don’t care that I kissed you,” she points out with a small smile, Steve doing so as well.

“Heh, yeah… I guess you’re right,” he chuckles lightly, keeping his eyes glued to the floor, “I actually came here to ask you for a favor.”

Peggy’s smile fades and she raises an eyebrow, “What is it?”

“I, uh, I watched the speech my mom did…”

Peggy’s eyes widen and she sighs heavily. “The camera didn’t show it but we were in the audience crying so hard.” 

“ _ You _ cried?”

“Steve I cried every time I thought about you for long enough,” she mutters. “We all did.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Natasha looked like she was ready to kill herself for the first month or two,” Peggy states, voice wavering a bit. “Sam barely talked to us anymore, Tony and Howard didn’t crack a single joke or even a smile at your memorial. Even that Scandinavian jock, I always forget his name…”

“Thor?”

“Yes! Thor, even he moped around for a bit.” 

Steve clenches his jaw and inhales deeply. “So I watched her speech about an hour ago. I-I had no idea about half the stuff she talked about-”

“What did you not know?”

“Well first off I had absolutely no idea I was the result of a fucking rape.” He hisses, his hands turning to angered fists, “That my dad was such an asshole to my mom-”

“Steve-”

“What?! You were there! You heard what she said! My dad was the worst before he joined the army! Him dying was karma-”

“Steve!” Peggy snarls, swatting him on the leg. “You are talking about your purple heart father.”   
“So? Its true!”

“Steve, what did you come here to do? Specifically what did you  _ apologize _ for?” She snips. Steve thinks for a second before frowning and staring at the floor once again.

“Being a douche.”

“And what did your mother think your father was before they got back together?” 

Steve rolls his eyes and huffs in annoyance, “Point made, okay?”

They sit in silence for a bit before Peggy speaks up again.

“So what favor do you want exactly?”

_ Bucky’s POV _

“Excuse me! Hey! HEY LISTEN UP!” Brock yells across the prison courtyard, Bucky’s face going bright red as Brock places a hand on his shoulder. Most of the heads turn to look at him and Brock grins, looking down at Bucky pridefully, “Just so you all know! This one is  _ mine _ . Got that? No one gets to touch him without my permission.”

“Fuck off,” Bucky snarls angrily, Brock aggressively pulling his hair to shut him up, “Ow!”

“Hey aren’t you that kidnapper guy from the news?” One of the men in the crowd belts out, a sea of murmurs soon following.

“Yeah! Nice job on that twink!”

“Was he a good lay?!”

“Looked like such a slut!”

“He was!” Brock exclaims, “I didn’t get to use ‘em but he had lips made for sucking!”

A roar of applause explodes from the audience and Bucky clenches his jaw so hard he thought his teeth might snap. He wasn’t going to react though. He wasn’t going to give Brock and these assholes the pleasure. 

“Break’s up! Get back inside!” One of the guards yells as all the men begin to shuffle back inside, Brock giving Bucky a little pat on the cheek.

894 days until he sees Steve again. 894 fucking days.

_ Steve’s POV _

“What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“Steve-”

“I’m serious,” Steve mutters as he stares at the door to his mother’s apartment with dread. Peggy puts a hand on his shoulder and gives him a light smile.

“She’ll want to. When was the last time you two spoke?” She inquires, causing Steve to fix his bangs nervously.

“Uhhh, the hospital,” he murmurs, avoiding eye contact. Peggy gasps a bit before knocking on the door herself.

“You’re going to be a man and apologize.”

“Yeah yeah,” he dismisses, before furrowing his brows. He didn’t hear anything from inside. Peggy notices as well and knocks again.

“Is she not home?”

“She should be…” Steve presses his good ear against the door and listens carefully, he could hear the noise from inside, most likely from a tv or radio, he knocks again, “Mom? It’s me… I know you’re probably still mad but I just want t-”

A loud thud came from inside. Panic rises in his throat and he knocks once again, this time much louder and faster, “Mom?!”

Peggy tries to look in through the peephole while Steve fumbles for his keys, “I don’t see anyone else inside.” 

Steve pushes her aside and unlocks the door, swinging it open and looking around cautiously.

“Mom?”

There’s a cough from the bathroom. “St-Steven…?” A voice croaks. Steve instinctively runs into the bedroom. Peggy, on the other hand, slowly moves towards the bathroom, the sound of a video she couldn’t quite make out getting louder and louder. She anxiously pokes her head into the cracked open door and screams.

_ Sarah’s POV _

_ *3 minutes earlier* _

_ “Aaaaand the winner of this year’s district wide art contest is… Steve Rogers, 5th grade!” _

_ “I won? I WON?! MOM I WON!” _

Sarah bites her lip as she watches the old video on her ipad, tears streaming down her cheeks. She sets the ipad down on the edge of the bathtub, video still playing. She closes her eyes and lets out a couple scared and heartbroken sobs, before shakily reaching for the large kitchen knife laying on the floor. She swallows hard and squeezes her eyes shut, allowing herself to sob in terror for a little longer. 

“ _ Mom look! First place metal! D’ya think I should send this to dad?” _

_ “Well why don’t you show it to him now?” _

_ “Hey buddy!” _

_ “DAD!” _

She shakily lines the knife up with her stomach, gulping hard. She stares up at the ceiling and lets the tears sting her eyes. She could almost feel the weight of her husband’s ghost on top of her, screaming at her to stop.

“J-Joe I-I’m s-s-sor-ry…” She whimpers, twisting the knife in her hands a bit, the tip now gently poking her stomach. She wanted to see him again. And she wanted to see Steve. Because she knew that Steve’s body may be alive and well, but her son died that night.

“ _ We love you so much  _ _ grá mo chroí.” _

With that she pushes the knife in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I'm really sorry for not posting sooner! The holidays and second semester have taken up a huge portion of my time. I hope I'll be able to get back on a regular schedule soon!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, I'm really sorry for not updating for over a month, school has been nailing me HARD

“ _ 911 what’s your emergency? _ ”

There was loud crying in the background.

“Hello! We just came across a suicide attempt, self inflicted knife to the stomach.” Peggy says quickly as she glances back into the bathroom and sees Steve coughing and sobbing, choking on his own spit. Sarah weakly turns and looks his way, letting out a couple raspy breaths.

“Wh-Why did you come here?” She asks quietly as Peggy continues to speak with 9-11, biting her freshly painted nails nervously. 

“To apologize… I-I wanted to say h-how awful I am f-for-” The apartment goes quiet for a bit and looks down at the ipad laying screen down on the floor. Sarah coughs harshly and looks down at the tablet, shaking her head.

“Steve d-don’t-”

_ “I won? I WON! MOM I WON!” _

Steve’s lips tremble and he pauses the now cracked screen, putting it face down on the floor. He gets on his knees and grips his mother’s hand tightly, letting out small sobs as tears stream down his cheeks and sting his eyes. 

“St-Steven i-it’s okay…” She rasps, squeezing his hands gently and looks over, “I just wanted to see your,” She takes a pause to cough harshly, “F-Father again...”

“Mom…”

_ *knock* *knock* *knock* _

_ “Paramedics!" _

Peggy runs to the door and swings it open, “In the bathroom!

* * *

_ Steve's POV _

The ride over to the hospital felt like a blur. He missed the rest of his classes that day, including an important presentation for his art history class. He truly couldn’t have cared less. 

Steve’s leg bounced nervously as he sat in the waiting room, chewing on his lip. They said the surgery was going to be done 3 minutes ago. Why weren’t they done yet? Is something wrong? God please don’t let something be wron-

“Steve.” Peggy interrupts his train of thought, putting a hand on his leg. The blonde stops, but continues to gnaw on his lip to the point of bleeding.

“What if she doesn’t make it throu-”

“No.” She cuts him off, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at her, “She’s going to make it and you can’t blame yourself if she doesn’t.”

“Peg its  _ my _ fault.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. She clearly has had a tough time recently and-”

“Yeah but that tough time was caused by me.”

“Steve she misses your father. Do you hear me? She misses your  _ father _ . To be frank if you’re going to be angry at anyone in this situation it should be Barnes.”

Steve doesn’t respond. He just looks down and clenches his jaw tightly. No. This isn’t Bucky’s fault… 

_ Bucky’s the guy that got dad killed _ the worst part of his brain rationalizes.  _ You don’t forgive him. How could you forgive him? For everything? It’s a good thing he’s rotting in- _

“Rogers?” The doctor calls out, allowing Steve to sigh in relief. He and Peggy stand up and he looks over at her.

“Can you stay out here?”

“Of course.” She says, sitting back down and giving him a sympathetic look, “It’s not your fault.” 

“Your mother is going to be okay, but make sure you check up on her.” The doctor advises as he guides Steve to the room, “She hasn’t taken her antidepressants in two weeks, and we found her blood-alcohol content was .1.”

Steve’s jaw drops, “I can believe her not taking her meds but there’s no way in hell she got drunk.” He states firmly.

“Well she was. It’s common for someone about to commit suicide to get drunk. Alcohol has a numbing effect.”

Steve chews on his lip some more and walks into the operating room, where his mother was lying unconscious in the bed, a large amount of bandages wrapped around her waist. There was a nurse inside who Steve instantly recognized as his mother’s friend Ingrid. She notices and finishes up a couple things before leaving the room, giving Steve a cool glare on the way out.

“She’ll be back in half an hour to check on her vitals.” The doctor states, before leaving as well. 

Steve sighs and walks into the room, pulling a nearby stool over towards the bed and keeping his head down. She looked in pain, even as she slept. He gently takes her hand and holds onto it tightly, if guilt hadn’t eaten him alive before, it sure as hell was now. 

* * *

Steve’s phone had been going absolutely insane for the last 11 hours. Peggy had left about 9 hours ago and almost every single one of his contacts was sending him texts, calling him, facetiming him. He was getting tagged in posts giving thoughts and prayers, just so much guilt and support with varying degrees of genuine. Everyone just seemed to feel bad. He glances at his watch and buries his face in his hands. 3 AM. And she still hasn’t woken up. Exhaustion begins to hit him in waves and by 3:15 he was half in the chair, half on the bed, resting his eyes. 

He’s just about to fall asleep until he hears quick footsteps approaching the room. He groggily opens his eyes stares blankly at the doorway and waits to see who was coming in. When the person runs through the door his heart skids to a halt and all the blood drains from his face.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get here earlier. The earliest flight back from Limerick kept getting delayed and-”

“Dad?” He asks quietly, slowly standing up and taking a step back.

“Steve are you okay? It looks like you’ve seen a ghost.” Joseph comments in concern, walking over to him. Steve takes a couple shallow breaths before letting out a small sob of disbelief and hugging him tightly.

“I-I think I just did.” He mumbles, squeezing his eyes shut and allowing for a couple tears to fall. He didn’t want to question how he was seeing his dad, he quite honestly didn’t care. Joseph bites his lip a bit and squeezes Steve, thinking he was referring to Sarah.

“I know… H-How is she?” He asks, worry dripping from his voice as he pulls away from the hug and kneels down next to the bed, taking Sarah’s hand gently.

“Stable.” Steve mumbles, heart still racing. His dad looked older than when he last saw him. Hair lightening at the temples, more creases on his forehead and the corners of his eyes, he’d gained a bit of weight as well. Steve could only assume it was because of his military retirement. 

“Good…” Joseph murmurs, brushing a bit of hair out of his wife’s face. Steve lets out a small sob and falls to his knees, burying his face in his hand.

“Dad this i-is all m-my fault… I-I’m s-so so-rry…” He whimpers, feeling an attack coming on.

“Steve of course it’s not your fau-”

“Y-Yes it is!” He snaps back defensively, “This is all my fault! If I hadn’t been such an insensitive ass after they told me I couldn’t see Bucky-”

“Bucky?” His father interrupts him in confusion, “Are you talking about my old sergeant?” 

“Y-Yeah..? He kept me in his apartment for  _ five months _ .” 

“What on Earth are you talking about?” Joseph questions, staring at Steve with a bewildered expression, “You were never kidnapped,  _ especially _ by Barnes.” 

Steve’s expression falls. This wasn’t real. 

“Dad..?” He questions softly as Joseph sighs and walks over to him. 

“I love you so much Steve.” He mumbles before pulling the blonde into a tight hug. Steve begins to cry quietly into his father’s chest, swearing to himself quietly.

“Fucking hell…”

“Steven.” Joseph mutters as he gently pulls away, “Steven wake up.”

“No… Dad please.”

“Steven its 4:45. You need to go home and get some proper rest.”

Steve furrows his brows and pulls him close one last time before groaning and slowly being shaken awake. Steve thought the last person he would see in this room was his father, but reality stood him corrected. 

“Mr. Schmidt?” He grumbles tiredly, trying to blink himself awake. What the fuck? His old Norse mythology teacher?

Schmidt gives him a light smile as Steve slowly tries to sit up, rubbing his eyes some more, “I’m sorry for showing up here so late… or early if that’s how you want to look at it. I’m still on German time.”

Steve’s still trying to process what the hell is going on. A second ago this was his father standing in front of him. 

“Wh-What are you doing here?”

“After I found out you had disappeared, I reached out to your mother to see if I could do anything for her to help her through the grieving process.” He explains as he lightly pushes Steve out of the way and sits down in the chair, running his fingers through Sarah’s hair slowly and deliberately.

Steve had to look away, he didn’t like this. He really didn’t like this. 

“Alles wird gut, meine liebe”*

“She, uh, she doesn’t speak German.” Steve states awkwardly as Schmidt continues to rub her scalp.

“I taught her some, and she taught me Gaelic.  Buachaill gréine”** He says in a bit of a taunting manner. Steve clenches his jaw and takes a couple deep breaths.

“So… a-are you two-”

“In a relationship?” Schmidt finishes as Steve goes bright red, “Yes. I’ve been in Germany for the last two months teaching English classes, which is why you haven’t seen me.” He explains, before taking a pause, “And you graduated almost two years ago, call me Johann.”

Nope. Steve thinks internally. He couldn’t shake this bad feeling he had in the pit of his stomach.

“I know I wasn’t your favorite teacher, but I liked you. Can you just put this bias behind you? For her?” He questions, holding his hand out as Steve takes a deep breath and looks past him, at his mother. She looked peaceful. He puts on his most realistic fake smile and shakes it firmly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually kinda proud of how this turned out! Kudos and Comments are always much appreciated, thanks so much for reading!  
> Translations:  
> Everything will be alright, my love*  
> Sunshine boy**  
> (sorry if any of the language is wrong, I used google translate)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a lil' heads up. There is a non con rape scene in this chapter (also the one part is a dream sequence that was influenced by reality at the end, it'll make sense when you read it)

_ Steve’s POV _

After getting a very-uneasy four hours of sleep and a lecture where he didn’t listen to a word his professor said, Steve rushes back to the hospital. He gets to his mother’s room and much to his chagrin Schmidt’s  _ still _ there, but Sarah was awake. He cautiously walks into the room holding a stuffed horse and his bag. 

“I can’t believe you flew in for me…”

“I’m quite offended you think I wouldn’t.”

Steve awkwardly stands at the doorway for a bit, before finally clearing his throat, getting their attention.

“Hey, Mom.” He mutters quietly, shifting uncomfortably, gaze glued to the floor. Sarah stares at him with a heartbroken expression, before looking over at Schmidt and sighing.

“Could you give us a bit?”

“Oh of course,  _ meine liebe _ .” He says, standing up out of his chair and giving Sarah a gentle kiss on the forehead before quickly making his way out of the room, giving Steve a look he can’t quite read. Sarah weakly smiles at him go and tries to sit up a bit, hissing in pain as the wound in her stomach stretches. Steve bites his lip so hard he’s sure he can taste blood before walking over and sitting down on the side of the bed.

“Mom I-I don’t even know where to star-”

“Steven.” She interrupts, reaching up and gently brushing her son’s bangs from his forehead, “Don’t.”

“No mom I-I… this is all my fault…” He stammers while Sarah continues to try and shush him.

“Steve, it’s not your fault.”

“Yes it is.”

“No it’s not.” She states firmly, before noticing the tears in Steve’s eyes and sighing, “I-I understand where you were coming from with Barnes.” She takes a pause and a light nostalgic smile creeps onto her face, “When your father moved to America… I acted like a fool. And coincidentally I didn’t see him for two and a half years.”

Steve shakes his head, “You didn’t drive your parents to fucking-“

“Language.” She warns.

“ _ Freaking _ su-“ He can’t finish the word, cutting himself off and going quiet. Sarah gently takes his hand and rubs it with her thumb. They sit in silence for a bit, Steve lets a couple stray tears fall silently before using his sleeve and wiping his face.

“I-I uh…” He trails off, picking up the horse and handing it to her awkwardly, “I got this for you… remember that one time you tried to get me into horse riding and-”

“You slid out of the saddle and sprained your ankle?” She questions with a smug smile. Steve chuckles a bit and rubs the back of his neck.

“Heh, yeah. Dad got back from his second tour and was so annoyed he couldn’t sign me up for tennis.” He mutters with a sad smile, “I miss him.”

“I know.” Sarah consols, leaning up to kiss her son on the cheek.

Steve gives her a half-hearted smile before reaching into his bag, pulling out his laptop. 

“Oh, sp-speaking of dad.” He starts, logging on and going through a couple files, “Remember that drawing I gave him the night before he left for his first tour?”

Sarah nods and a large grin forms on her face as Steve pulls out an old, surprisingly well drawn picture all things considered.

“I thought it was lost when they were shipping all of his things back.” She murmurs quietly, taking the drawing and staring at it nostalgically.

“I wanted to save it for your birthday... but I thought now would be better.” He states as Sarah gives him a sad smile, “It was at the bottom of one of the boxes I used when I moved into my dorm last semester. Must’ve been the same boxes.” He explains as he watches his mother’s smile fade and turn into a look of guilt. Steve furrows his brows in confusion, “What?”

Sarah takes a deep breath and swallows hard, visibly nervous, “I… Things are going very well. Johann, and I… At this point I just really am trying to move on past your father.”

All the color drains from Steve’s face, “What?”

“I know I know… but Steven… he’s been gone for almost eight years. I owe it Johann to move past him-”

“You don’t owe him anything.” Steve interrupts angrily. Sarah huffs and puts a hand on his arm.

“About a month after you went missing, I got an anonymous note asking me to go out for coffee. I really didn’t want to go, but forced myself to anyway, I knew it would be good for me to go out… And he just let me talk.” She mutters, “A-And it was hard trying to get back into the dating world… I have  _ so much _ emotional baggage. For the first month he talked me through what I was feeling— the  _ pain _ . Then we sort of started to fall for each other.” 

Steve looks over at the door and narrows his eyes a bit. Schmidt was deceptive, and something was up, he could feel it. 

“I have a lecture in half an hour. I’ll see you later.” He mumbles, standing up and awkwardly putting the stuffed animal next to the bed before leaving the room and pulling out his phone. He scrolls through his contacts for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and hitting the call button. He stands outside in the waiting room as the phone rings, tapping his foot nervously.

“C’mon c’mon c’mon pick up-”

“ _ Steven! I’ve been meaning to call you! I was incredibly worried when I heard you were kidna-” _

“Ye-yeah!” He interrupts, “I-I’m happy to hear from you too… Are you in town?”

“ _ Steven it is the middle of the school year of course I am in town. _ ”

Steve huffs a small laugh, “Right... I, uh, I kind of need to talk to someone about something and I don’t think my therapist or girlfriend would say what I need to hear.” He chuckles nervously, eyes following Schmidt as he walks back into the room.

“ _ What about your mother? _ ”

“It’s about my mom actually… I just- can you meet me at that little bakery on 12th at 6?”

“ _ Today? _ ”

“Yeah… u-unless its a bad time.”

“ _ No, no, I can make it. _ ”

“Okay, thank you. I’ll see you there.”

“ _ Goodbye Steven. _ ”

Steve hangs up the phone and rubs his eyes a bit before heading for the exit.

_ Bucky’s POV _

_ “Barnes! BARNES! Shit.” _

Bucky groans a bit as he begins to wake up. That’s when it hits him. That familiar pain. The horrible stinging, burning,  _ throbbing _ pain. 

His shoulder. He just hit the mine.

But who was yelling his name? Who was rolling him over and peeling off his shirt?

“I’ll be right back Barnes.”

That ‘r’.

“L-Lieutenant?” He garbles, gritting his teeth as a small wind gust causes sand to hit the wound. He rolls over a bit and watches a pair of boots run towards the jeep. This whole scene felt so familiar, except…

_ “I-I’m so so-rry…” _

Joseph quickly runs back, large first aid bag hitting at his hip. 

“Man down! Repeat man down! I’m going to try and patch him up but get to our location ASAP! I repeat  _ MAN DOWN _ !” He yells into his radio. He quickly bends down and places the bag next to them.

“ _ We’re tracking you down. Rogers who’s with you?” _

“Sergeant Barnes, he fell on a mine.”

“ _ A mine? Shit how serious? Will he need amputation?” _

Joseph chews on his lip as he pulls on the latex gloves in the kit and scoops a healthy amount of antibacterial cream. He gently begins to rub it on, eliciting a high pitched whine from Bucky.

“No… not amputation. But he’s got some third degree burns and some shrapnel stuck in the tissue. I’m putting some cream on it now.”

“ _ Okay, medic’s leaving now. _ ”

“Good.” He huffs, before turning off the radio and kneeling in front of Bucky, grabbing his hair and pulling his face up. The brunette hisses in pain and knits his brows together.

“Wh-What are you doing?” He questions softly, the pain in his shoulder acting up again.

“C’mon, suck me off.” Joseph purrs, lust in his eyes. Bucky blinks a couple times in shock.

“Wh-What?”

“For Christ sake Buck its not like you were ever a prude about it. You could do it for my friends too.” He snips, buttoning his pants and pulling the hem and his underwear down at the same time.

“Sir?”

“Sir? Haven’t heard you use that one before. I like it.” 

Joseph presses his cock up against Bucky’s lips and he swallows hard, before closing his eyes and gently licking a stripe down his length.

“Fuck I forgot how great this feels.” 

Lieutenant’s voice sounds gruffer than usual.

“Can’t believe you topped. Even that twink seems like more of a dom than your pathetic ass.” He sneers before forcing Bucky down on his cock completely. Bucky begins to gag and tries to pull away, but Joseph’s hand keeps his head steady, “What was his name? Your precious Stevie-”

Bucky’s eyes snap open and he feels a hand wrap around his throat as Brock continues to fuck his mouth.

“Oh look who’s awake.” He snickers as Bucky feels a person pressing his upper back down, putting extra pressure on his scars, “Randall keep him down.” Brock instructs as the man on Bucky’s back pushes down even harder. He whines loudly and prepares to bite down on Brock’s dick, until he pulls out and comes on his face.

“You kept mumbling to yourself in your sleep.  sir.” He taunts, moving around Bucky’s body and shoving down his pants. Bucky growls angrily and tries to kick him away.

“Brock I swear to fucking god- GUARDS!” He snarls, until a new person jams a pair of underwear in his mouth and secures it around his head with a sock. Bucky yells some more before Brock sticks a finger in dry.

“Hmmmm, you like that don’t you slut?” He purrs. Bucky’s face burns bright red as someone hands Randall a rope and he ties it around his wrists and expertly loops it around his forearms and elbows as well. Like an armbinder.

Bucky’s breath quickens rapidly as Brock pulls his cheeks apart and spits, causing the two to three other men in the room to cheer him on.

“Fuck his ass!”   
“Show him who’s boss!”

“MMMMMMMM!” He growls into the gag, attempting to kick them off again. He feels Brock line up as his goons firmly hold his legs apart.

“HEY!” A voice snarls as one of the guards runs up to the cell, “What the hell do you think you’re doing causing all this noise?!”

“Sorry, it’s our break so thought we’d have a bit of fun.” Brock explains, as if it was nothing, “Right Buck?” He questions, giving Bucky a warning ‘don’t you dare tell him the truth’ look.

“Mmhm.” He mumbles quietly, nodding gently. Why the fuck did Brock always have so much power over him?

“Okay, well just try to be more quiet.” The guard warns, before looking at Bucky and shaking his head, walking off.

“Now where were we?” Brock gleams as he leans down and bites Bucky’s ear, “I know how much you missed this. Being treated like the whore you are.” Bucky grunts angrily and tries to pull his head away, “I remember the night I took your virginity. You were so needy and desperate. You kept riding my cock and  _ begging _ for more. Making those little whining noises. Wanna do ‘em for me again?” He purrs, slowly pushing in and hitting his prostate in the most disgustingly familiar way possible. He can’t help the small whine that escapes his throat as his dick springs up and stands at attention. He hears the taunting laughs that Brock and his goons direct towards him, but honestly the brunette just turned on life-autopilot. He counted three guys total and when the last guy came they just left him like that. Tied up, gagged, anyone else could come up and use him if they wanted to. He just wanted to fucking die. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm super sorry this didn't come out earlier! It should have but then I went on vacation for a week on spring break.


	25. Chapter 25

_ Steve’s POV _

“Hey Cap!” The cashier chirps as Steve walks into the bakery. He gives them a small smile and a wave.

“Oh, hi Scott. I thought you worked at Baskin Robbins?” He questions as he walks up to the counter. Scott shakes his head and waves him off.

“Nah, they fired me. Found out I spent a few days in jail,” he explains, before looking around cautiously, “But don’t tell my boss that.”

Steve chuckles and pulls out his wallet. “Your secret’s safe with me. Can you get me a…” He looks down at the selection of baked good and his eyes land on the blueberry scone. He stares at it for a second before shaking his head and looking back up at Scott. “Just a cup of coffee.”

Scott rings him up and pours some coffee into a cup and puts in on the counter

“That’s gonna be $2.82. The cream and sugar is over there.”

Steve begins to pull out some money, before being startled by a new hand gently moving his wrist down.

“I will have a coffee myself,” an accented voice states as Steve turns around and smiles sheepishly at his old teacher.

“Thank you so much for coming,” he thanks as Erskine smiles at him and pulls the blonde into a hug.

“Oh my goodness you scared me. I found out the news you were kidnapped and I-”

“Kidnapped?!” Scott exclaims in shock, “Since when?!” 

Steve blinks a couple times and snorts a bit of a laugh. “You really don’t watch the news do you? Or listen to your friends,” he chuckles before taking his cup and going to pour some cream and sugar in. Scott stares at Steve in shock for a bit longer before turning to the older man.   
“When did he get kidnapped?”

“October last year-”

“WHAT?!” He shouts, “How did you find out?!”   
“It was the headline on local news for weeks,” Erskine explains, before taking his own coffee and paying. Steve continues to chuckle a bit under his breath and looks over at Scott.

“Lang, I’m fine, really,” he dismisses, before finding a small table tucked away near the back of the shop. They both sit down and looks around awkwardly for a few moments.

“You said you were having problems with your mother?” Erskine questions. Steve takes a sip of his drink and shrugs a bit.

“I don’t know… I love her and all that. And I’m trying to respect her choices but…” He trails off, struggling to find the right words. “Do you know who she’s dating?”

Surprisingly, Steve notices the doctor tense.

“Yes, yes I do,” he explains in a forced calm tone. “She is still with Mr. Schmidt?”

“Yeah…” Steve breaths out. “I... I want her to be happy. And it seems like Schmidt makes her really happy, but even as his student I always got this bad feeling from him,” he explains, before taking a small pause. “I’ve also been really missing my dad lately.”

Erskine nods a bit and leans back in his seat. “Do you think the two are related?”

Steve shrugs a bit and takes a large swig of his drink. “Probably.”

“Hmmm… Do you have a picture of your father I can see?” 

The blonde furrows his brows, but doesn’t question it. He goes into his wallet and thumbs through the gift cards and bills before pulling out a polaroid picture from his parents’ impromptu courtroom wedding. 

“He’s really young in that picture, I can get another one off my phone if you’d wan-”

“No this is fine,” he interrupts, studying the picture closely. “Your father was very handsome.” He hands the picture back and Steve tucks it back into his wallet.

“Why’d you need the picture?”

“Because I wanted to see how much you two look alike. How old was he in that image?”

Steve knits his brows together and pulls the photo back out, squinting to read the date at the bottom. “Twenty-two I think. What’s the point of this?”

“Hmm. How does Mr. Schmidt act around you?” 

Steve chews on his lip, trying to think. “I dunno. He keeps giving me these looks I can’t read. When he was my teacher he always had this weird interest in me, but this feels different.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know-”

“Try to describe it.”

“Jesus christ you sound like my therapist,” Steve huffs, crossing his arms like a child. He notices how pouty he looks and quickly puts his arms at his side, looking away. “I’m sorry. There was almost a fondness when I was his student. I think he liked it when I would verbally spar with him. Now it just seems cold.” The blonde explains, before looking down at his lap as a realization hits him. “He’s mad at me.”

The older man furrows his brows and leans in. “Why is he mad at you?”

“Because I was horrible to my mom when I first got back… Oh god its my fault,” he breathes out, running a hand through his hair. “Shit.”

Erskine nods slowly and leans forwards a bit more. “I was going to say he doesn’t like how much you look like your father.”

Steve raises an eyebrow and pulls the picture back out.

“You know, my mom always says that too but I honestly don’t see it.” he comments. Erskine chuckles a bit and shakes his head.

“You have to look past coloring.” 

Steve shrugs and gently sliding it back into his wallet.

“How is your mother by the way?” The older man questions. Steve shrugs a takes a small sip of coffee.

“She’ll be okay. I think the hospital discharged her this afternoon.”   
“What happened to her? Is she alright?” Erskine inquires, worry etched in his features. Steve notices and raises an eyebrow.

“She sliced her hand on some broken glass,” he lies, glancing down at his own scarred hand. “You seem awfully worried,” he comments with a smug grin. The older man shakes his head and adjusts his glasses.

“From what I could tell your mother is incredibly sweet and hardworking,” he says, taking a sip of his drink to indicate wanting this conversation to be over. Instead Steve leans back and studies his former teacher closely.

“Hm… I wasn’t your favorite student because of me, was I?”

“Steven what are you saying?”

“Well I think you know what I’m saying,” Steve teases, “You have a little thing for my mom, don’t you?”

The guilty silence makes Steve chuckle. “That’s why you went to all my art galleries. So you could see my mom.”

“No, that’s not the only reason. You are a  _ very  _ talented artist, and I like you…” Erskine trails off, sheepishly avoiding eye contact. “Didn’t you call me so we could speak about you?”

Steve smiles, pleased with himself. “No, we’re on you now. How long have you had a crush on my mom?”

He sighs before looking up at Steve with slight annoyance, “Six years-”

Steve nearly chokes on his drink, “Six years?!”   
“Y-Yes! Yes! Steven, please.”

The blonde wipes his lip and stares at him in shock. “I had you my junior year how did you even meet her?”

“It was at your freshman club fair...”

**_Brooklyn, New York: 2012_ **

_ “I was running my booth as sponsor of the stem club.” _

_ A slightly younger Erskine yawns a bit as he sits at the near empty booth, eyes scanning the crowd of punk kids and fretting parents. A father has to practically drag his daughter up to the booth and gives him a smile. _

_ “Hi, this is Paige. She doesn’t want to admit it but she loves science and ma-” _

_ “Dad!” She snaps, trying to pull her arm back, “Stop! If Brandon sees me over here he’s gonna think I’m lame! Do you want me to go into highschool having Brandon Snyder think I’m lame?” _

_ The father rolls his eyes and lets her go, Paige running into the sea of 8th grade graduates. _

_ “Is there a pamphlet or something I can get her to read later?” He asks in an exasperated tone, clearly done with his daughter and her antics. _

_ “Oh of course,” he says happily, reaching for a small booklet of club information. “Tell her the club is about 40% girls,” he states with a small wink. “And I don’t favor the boys.” _

_ The father smiles thankfully and takes the pamphlet. “Thank you.” _

_ “Not many people were signing up so I spent most of my night watching my potential students.” _

_ “Mom I just want to go home,” a voice whines nearby, catching his attention. He looks over and notices a significantly younger Steve wiping his eyes and hissing in anger. Sarah moves him over to a more private area and crouches down a bit, golden blonde hair falling over her stunning complection. She sighs and gently brushes his bangs out of his face. _

_ “Honey I think you should keep looking.” _

_ “Why?! The art club isn’t even for kids who like art! It’s just a place to finish up projects-” _

_ “Because I need you to make some friends,” she states bluntly. Erskine’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. That was unexpected. _

_ Steve grits his teeth and furiously wipes his eyes some more. _

_ “What if this is just like middle school again?” _

_ “Steve don’t say that-” _

_ “Are you saying there’s a less likely chance some jackass is going to push me into a trashcan?” _

_ “Language.” She warns, before sighing and rubbing the bridge of her nose. “We can go home. But you have to promise me that you’ll try at least one club this year, deal?” _

_ “Why can’t I just-” _

_ “Steve. I’m asking you to go to one club once,” she interrupts in annoyance. Steve sniffs and rubs his eyes before nodding. _

_ “Fine.” _

_ Another person walks up to the booth and Erskine hesitantly looks away from the woman. He couldn’t get over how gorgeous she was, but she definitely had a husband. Of course she had a husband. _

Steve gives Erskine a small smile, ”You were convinced she had a husband?”

“Well I wasn’t wrong, was I?” He questions. Steve puts his hands up and nods with a small chuckle.

“Point taken, but that husband was dead for three years,” he points out. “But that is really cute.”

“What is?”

“That you have a crush on my mom.”

The doctor rolls his eyes. “Crush makes it sound like I’m in grade school. I just liked her is all. But she is with Mr. Schmidt now so it does not matter.” 

“Hm,” Steve huffs to himself quietly, looking down in thought. “Why didn’t you ask her out anytime?”

“I did not think it was appropriate when you were my student. Then, when I finally built up enough courage when you were in your senior year, I found out she was dating that other man.”

“Right… yeah she hated that guy,” he chuckles, “He was also apparently incredibly homophobic. Not great for a person with a bisexual son.”

“Oh… I did not know that about you.”

“Is there anything wrong with it?” Steve question, defensiveness eeking into his voice. Erskine quickly shakes his head.

“No no! Of course not. You had just never come out in school.”

“Yeah, like I’d come out to the kids that already called me a fag,” he spits bitterly, crossing his arms. Steve looks around and notices a couple people looking at him. “Sorry… I guess I’m still not over it.” 

“That is understandable. You seemed to have been picked on a lot.”

Steve huffs a small laugh. “Yeah that’s an understatement.”

“Is college at least any better?”

“Tons. I’ve got so many great friends now.”

“That’s good.”

There’s a semi-awkward pause between them for about a minute until Steve gasps and looks up.

“Mom said the note Schmidt sent was anonymous.” He blurts out, the look on Erskine’s face confirming his revelation, “It was you. You’re the one that sent the note.”

The older man waits for a couple moments before responding.

“Yes, I did… Schmidt must have found out and decided to-”

Steve feels his phone buzz in his pocket and pulls it out, “Sorry I need to take-” he cuts himself off, raising an eyebrow. It was from the New York state penitentiary. He presses accept and puts the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

“ _ Steve? Oh god it feels so good to hear your voice. _ ”

“Buck?” the blonde questions in surprise, “Bucky you know we aren’t supposed to talk to each other-”

“ _ I don’t care… I need to talk to you about something. _ ”

Steve shifts in his chair a bit, looking at Erskine and mouthing an apology, “Yeah what’s up?”

There’s a loud sniff from the other line, “ _ I’m so sorry. Brock fucked me. He tied me up and fucked me senseless. It was so scary, I can’t even begin to imagine how what I did affected you. What did the news say? You’re going to therapy? Because of me.” _

“Buck calm down… its okay.” Steve tries to soothe, “Bucky take a deep breath.”

There’s a little pause as Bucky does exactly that.

“ _ I-I’ve been thinking a lot lately… a-and I realized something _ .”

The blonde furrows his brows and nods, “What’s wrong?”

“ _ I…It was never you _ .”

“What?” 

“ _ Who I was in love with. You are an amazing person and I loved your company but it was never you… whenever I looked at you I just saw your father _ .”

Steve goes white as a sheet.

“Five months… you kept me locked in your tiny apartment for five months. Raped me repeatedly. Tricked me into Stockholm syndrome. You took me away from my suicidal mother and my best friends for  _ five months _ because of a disgusting fantasy?!” He snarls, gritting his teeth so far he was sure they were about to snap.

“ _ I-I-I’m sorry. Steve you’re my best friend in the worl-“ _

Steve hangs up the phone, face bright red.

“Steven what just happened?” Erskine questions in concern as the blonde takes a couple shakily breaths, furiously wiping tears away from his eyes.

“Bucky…” He growls, before finishing his coffee and standing up, “Th-Thanks for meeting with me, but I need to go.”

“Oh… okay, do you need a ride-”

“No I can walk.” Steve states quickly, practically running out of the place and down the sidewalk, continuing to wipe his eyes, “Shit.” he mutters under his breath. Everyone was right. Bucky didn’t deserve any of his sympathy. 

_ Bucky’s POV _

“See? Now that wasn’t so hard now was it?” Brock grins as Bucky numbly hangs up the phone. Steve hated him. He  _ hated _ him.

“What did I ever do to you?” He asks softly, looking up at his ex in disbelief, “What did I fucking do to you?”

“You dumped me over text you prick.” Brock snaps back defensively, shoving Bucky a bit.

“Yeah because if I did it face to face I knew you would’ve done exact what you just did.” He growls quietly, “You were so great when we first met. You helped me through my PTSD and my anxiety. You were the first person I could openly talk to about everything. It was when you joined that fucking cult that things went downhill.”

“Hydra’s not a cult.” Brock dismisses as Bucky nearly laughs in his face.

“Not a cult?! You worship that German guy like he’s a god!”

“Schmidt’s just trying to spread his word about his lifestyle-”

“What lifestyle?! He just fucks everyone he sees! I still wake up in a cold sweat about that meeting you dragged me to!” 

“That’s just how initiation works.”

“What?! Cuffing me to a bed for three hours with no safeword?! You’re lucky I didn’t call the cops!” 

Brock’s angry expression fades to one of realization, then pure glee, “Wait a sec… you don’t know do you?”

“Know what?” Bucky snips, watching Brock carefully. The older man snorts a laugh and takes a step back.

“You know how Rogers’ mom is a widow because of you?”

Bucky glares at him with so much force that some of the nearby guards started to move closer cautiously to keep him from pouncing. He takes a labored breath and gives the smallest nods.

“Well after you nabbed him, Schmidt went in for the kill.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Bucky snaps impatiently.

“Sarah Rogers is head over heels for Johann Schmidt.” He whispers with a devious grin.

“You’re full of shit Brock-”

“I’m not lyin-”

Bucky pulls his fist back, but doesn’t punch, getting mild amusement from the fear in Brock’s eyes and the flinch he gave.

“He hasn’t brought her in yet. I think he’s still trying to wear her down. But we’re all drooling in anticipation.” 

Bucky stares at Brock with a look of disgust, “You’re despicable. That woman has worked her ass off to raise her son practically alone, even before Joe died and you know what? I’m glad you’re rotting in here with me because at least now  _ you _ can’t touch her.”

“Doesn’t matter. I just like that you know that my boss is fucking your boyfriend’s mom.” Rumlow states in a sing song voice, before patting him on the arm and heading towards the courtyard, leaving Bucky fuming.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just saw Endgame and I'm a wreck. This was supposed to come out yesterday.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually updating at a consistent rate?? Crazy right

_ Steve’s POV _

Steve rushes back to his dorm and runs up the staircase to Peggy’s floor. He dashes to her door and knocks on it rapidly, digging into his bag and pulling out his inhaler, taking a couple puffs as Peggy opens the door. She had clearly just gotten out of the shower, her hair soaked and face void of makeup.

“Steve? Are you okay?” She questions, concern etched into her features as Steve pushes past her and into the room, pacing back and forth frantically.

“Peg I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Bucky is a piece of shit, I-I can’t believe I fell for him,” he rambles quickly, before looking up at his girlfriend and kissing her passionately, catching the brunette completely off guard.

“Steve!” She squeaks as she reaches to close the door, finally able to pull away after a couple seconds. 

“I’m ready,” he states confidently, “I didn’t want to go all the way before because I was scared. But I’m ready now.”

Peggy stares at him, stunned, “N-Now?”

“Yeah!” He exclaims, clearly pumped up on adrenaline and revenge. “Right now! I’ve got a condom in my wallet!” 

Peggy shakes her head and gently pushes Steve onto her bed. “Steve, I need you to take a deep breath-”

“Why?! You said you wanted to go all the way months ago!”

“Because you clearly aren’t in the right state of mind,” she states calmly, “What happened with Barnes?”

Steve sniffs furiously and wipes his nose with his sleeve. “H-He… He called me from jail.”

“Isn’t that against his restraining order?”

“Yeah… but he did it anyway just to tell me that he... “ Steve looks up at her and sniffs again, “he still has a thing my for my dad. He kept me in his tiny apartment for five months because he was still hung up  _ on my father _ .”

Peggy gives him a sympathetic look and sits next to him.

“My mom almost died…” He mumbles quietly. “My mom almost died because of him. My dad  _ did _ die because of him.” 

The brunette sighs and puts a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Maybe revenge sex isn’t the best time to lose your virginity.”

“Peggy are you serious?” He questions with a raised eyebrow, “I’m not a virgin.”

“As far as I’m concerned, you’ve never consented. Which means you’re a virgin,” she states, leaning into him a bit. “Bucky wasn’t your fault.”

“I should’ve called the police,” he mumbles quietly, “when he showed up at my dorm… that’s when I should’ve done it.”

“You didn’t know-”

“Yeah and where did that lead?”

Peggy pulls her head up and frowns a bit. “It’s not your fault.”

Steve bites his lip and looks down sheepishly, taking his wallet from his pocket and pulling out his condom. He flips it over and reads the expiration date. Not only was it expired six months ago, but it also had a few small rips from the amount of time it spent in there.

“Maybe it’s a good thing you shot me down,” he mutters with a small, knowing grin. Peggy rolls her eyes and kisses him on the forehead. They sit like that for a bit before Steve perks up and looks over at her.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Hm?”

“I know you and my mom were pretty close when I was gone. Did you happen to meet her new boyfriend?” He questions as Peggy nods.

“Yes a couple times,” she answers simply, “He seems to make her happy.”

“Yeah. He was my old teacher, I hated him.” 

Peggy almost laughs and nods. “Oh good. I didn’t really like him either.”

Steve snorts a laugh as well and lays down on her bed, the brunette following in suite. “I just never got a good feeling from him, even as is student.”

“Mmhm,  _ but _ ,” she interjects, giving Steve a warning look, “he makes her happy, and that’s all that matters. You aren’t going to tell her you don’t like him, right?”

“No! Of course not!” He snips defensively, “Why would you even think-”

Peggy stares at him with an ‘are you fucking kidding me’ look until he backs down.

“I’m not going to tell her I hate her boyfriend,” he mumbles in annoyance. “Besides, he said something about living in Germany? I don’t know but I think he’s going back.”

“Good, because do you want to know what the worst possible thing you could do to her?”

Steve rolls his eyes and sits back up. “Not be supportive, yeah I know,” he dismisses, before standing up and glancing in her mirror to fix his hair. “I think I’m gonna go to my room and put on some pajamas.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” she states softly. “I am sorry about Barnes. Really.”

Steve gives her a small smile before walking out of the room and up the nearest flight of stairs. He gets to his floor and walks to his room, punching in the passcode to his room and opening the door, shocked to see about three people he didn’t know sitting on both of their beds with T’Challa.

“Uhhhh, is this a bad time?” He questions as T’Challa glances at the three, all women about their age, except for one who seemed significantly younger.

“Yes,” the youngest one states as Steve blinks a couple times in surprise.

“Shuri!” T’Challa snaps, before looking up at Steve apologetically. “Sorry about her. Uh, this is my younger sister Shuri, and my friends Okoye and Nakia”

“Hi, I’m Steve. If it’s a bad time, I can just go to my mom’s,” he assures as Okoye and Nakia look at each other, Nakia seeming a lot more apologetic than the other.

“Sorry,” she apologizes as Steve shakes his head and heads out of the room, closing the door behind him, before taking a deep breath and heading towards the stairs again. God he just wanted to lay down. 

_ Bucky’s POV _

Bucky stares up at the ceiling of his cell, numb of emotion. He hated himself. There was an awful pit at the bottom of his stomach as his mind wandered. Yeah, Brock forced him to say that shit to Steve. 

_ But what if it was true? _

He grits his teeth and sits up, staring down at the floor in thought.

No. 

No…

Tears begin to prick his eyes as he thinks about Steve’s words.

_ Raped me repeatedly _

_ Tiny apartment _

_ Five months _

“Shit,” he mumbles quietly, “Fuck Fuck Fuck….” He whimpers, jamming his face in his hands. Taking him… it seemed like such an amazing idea at the time, “Fuck…”

What the hell was he thinking?

_ Sarah’s POV _

“Okay now say it with me.  _ Ich bin _ .”

“Ich bin.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m?”

“Yes! Very good!”

Sarah blushes a bit and smiles, she never really had a knack for languages other than the ones she grew up using. But Johann was so sweet and patient when teaching her German.

“Next.  _ Nicht _ .”

“Nicht… not?”

“Are you sure you are bad at learning languages?” He questions as Sarah nods vigorously.

“Yes! Ask my high school Spanish teachers.”

“Okay okay…” he chuckles, before continuing, “ _ ziehen um _ .”

Sarah bites her lip and furrows her brows in thought, “Oh… oh shit.” she mumbles.

“Target language.” Johann teases as Sarah rolls her eyes and hits him playfully.

“Scheisse _. _ ” She corrects, “I don’t remember.”

“ _ Ziehen um  _ means moving.”

“Oh, okay.” She says, before leaning forwards in her seat, “So  _ ich bin nicht… ziehen um? _ ”

“Yes yes very good!  _ zurück _ .”

“I know this! Back!” She chirps excitedly, “I’m not moving back-“ she pauses for a moment before looking up at him in shock. He smiles in return and gently takes her hand.

“Finish the sentence.”

“ _ Nach Deutschland _ .” she finishes with a large smile, “But what about your job?”

“I have been training a student teacher, he can take over.” He states, leaning over to kiss her on the forehead while his hand lightly rubs across the bandages hidden by her clothes, “Clearly I should have never left.”

Sarah stares at him for a little bit, guilt and pain etched in her features. She gently takes his face and pulls him in for a kiss, “It wasn’t your fault...” she whispers softly, before pulling away slowly, “Something… happened when I did it…”

Johann knits his brows and watches her expectantly.

“W-Well I shoved that knife into my stomach because I thought I had nothing to live for anymore. Joe’s been dead for going on eight years, you and I were having a hard time staying in touch, and it felt like Steve…  _ my _ Steve was killed that night in October.” she mumbles quietly, tears streaking down her face, “But the second I did it… all of that just went away. I-I don’t know.... This is a long winded way of saying that…”

“That what?”

Sarah stands up, hissing a bit in pain from her injury, before walking over to an old picture of her and Joe. She stares at it for a second and traces her finger along his face, before placing it face down and walking back over, “I still miss him every day. But I think… I’ve moved past him. I’m ready to commit.” She explains, sitting down next to him, “To  _ really _ commit.” 

She notices a glimmer in her boyfriend’s eyes when she says that, she grins and nods slowly, “Yes.” she answers knowingly. Johann quickly pounces and pins her to the couch, giving her passionate kisses on the lips and neck. Sarah giggles a bit and leans in, running her hand through his hair. They both make quick work of tearing down the clothes barrier and she shivers at the skin on skin contact. 

“You look absolutely stunning  _ meine liebe _ .” He mutters, leaning down to kiss her again. She returns it enthusiastically before reaching down and gently touching his length, a wave of excitement rippling throughout her body.

She hadn’t felt this way in so long. She takes a deep breath and inhales the smell of his cologne, traces her fingers along his back. When he slowly pushes in she’s too overwhelmed to hear the faint jingle of keys right outside the door, or the sound of the handle turning.

“Sorry for not calli- HOLY SHIT!” Steve screams as he quickly whips around and covers his eyes. Johann reaches for a nearby blanket with lightning fast reflexes and wraps them both up.

“Steve!” She yelps, face burning a furious red, “Wh-What are you doing here?!”

“I wanted to just stay in my old room tonight!” He yells back, still turned around with his face in his hands.

“What? He never walked in on you before?” Johann questions, “You’ve never seen you mother nake-”

“Lalalalalala.” Steve interrupts, jamming his fingers into his ears.

“He’s so immature.” He comments in annoyance, before leaning in to kiss Sarah. She moves back and stares at him in shock;

“Now is not a good time.” She snips, before watching Steve storm out and slam the door behind him. She sighs heavily and rubs the bridge of her nose.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gross and lowkey self indulgent bc I haven't written any consensual smut and wanted to make it fit into the plot? Perhaps


	27. Chapter 27

Peggy and Angie were sitting on their separate beds throwing popcorn into each other’s mouths. After numerous failed attempts Angie’s able to throw herself forwards and land one on her tongue, eliciting a triumphant cheer from both the girls. Angie tosses one high in the air and Peggy angles herself for it to land perfectly in her awaiting mouth, but then an aggressive series off knocks from the door makes them both jump and the piece of popcorn land in her hair.

“Who is it?” the brunette calls out as Steve throws open the door and tosses his bag across the floor, pacing back and forth and running his hands through his hair.

“I saw something bad.” He states frantically. Peggy quickly stands up and puts a hand on his shoulder in concern and confusion.

“Steve what happe-”

“Well I went to my mom’s place and walked in on them inside each other.”

Peggy’s jaw drops and Angie audibly groans in disgust.

“Yikes ya walked in on your parents doing it?” She questions as Steve keeps pacing and looks at her.

“I wish it was my dad. At least then Bucky would have something to jack off to.” He spits with venom as Peggy smacks him on the back of the head.

“His father passed away a few years ago, and he doesn’t like his mom’s new boyfriend.” Peggy explains as Steve almost starts laughing.

“Can you imagine walking in on your teacher fucking your mom?!” He snips, making them both groan that time. 

“He was your teacher?” Angie questions as Steve nods.

“Yep! Saw it all! I saw it all! My mom! Mr. Schmidt! Everything! I can’t sit on that couch anymore.” He states quickly, “You know that couch in her living room that we always take naps on?”

“Oh no.” Peggy mutters, nauseated, “Where they on that nice blanket?”

Steve nods and finally sits down on the bed next to her, noticing the bag of popcorn and cramming some into his mouth. The brunette shudders and grabs a handful as well.

“I mean, Bucky fucked me on his couch but-”

“Steve I’m going to stop you right there.” She interrupts angrily, “Do  _ not _ compare their relationship to what Barnes did to you. You wanted to do it earlier? What? Would you have just compared that to your first time with Bucky too-”

“That first time with Bucky was rape! HE RAPED ME!” Steve snarls, his blood absolutely boiling, “He kidnapped me in the woods because all of you were  _ too drunk _ to come with me and he was waiting for me. He waited for me. He knew.”

Peggy stares at him for a moment in disbelief as Angie awkwardly looks around and stands up, grabbing her phone and earbuds and silently leaving the room. 

Steve grinds his jaw and jams his face in his hands, trying to hide the tears, “I thought I was going to die.” he sniffs hard and looks away, “I knew he was going to brutally rape me. I knew he was gonna fuck my mouth, dress me up, use me as his little plaything… I tricked myself into Stockholm Syndrome because if I hadn’t I was afraid he’d show up in the room one day with a pair of handcuffs and a knife.” 

They sit in silence for a little, Peggy lightly taking his hand and rubbing it gently.

“Loki wouldn’t have stopped him. He would’ve been the only one that could hear me scream and the most he’d care is that he’s actually have to work instead of putting his horny old clients on me.”

A heavy silence fills the room as Steve grunts and rubs the bridge of his nose, “I need to apologize to Nat and Sam.” 

“No.” she states gently, “You’re going to lay on my bed and you are going to get some rest.”

Steve was about to object, before realizing how tired he was and how little he could do to change her mind. He just nods a bit and lays down, closing his eyes. Peggy sighs a bit and strokes his hair in a comforting manner, “I love you my darling.”

Steve smiles softly and drifts off, finally getting the rest he desperately needed.

**_Brooklyn, New York: 2009_ **

_ “Everything packed up?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Are you sure?” _

_ “Yes mother.” _

_ Sarah sits up a bit and hits Joseph playfully on the stomach. They both chuckle a bit and she lays back down, resting her head on his bare chest and staring at the suitcases and duffel bags by the door. Her smile fades a bit and she kisses him on the collar lightly. _

_ “I wish you weren’t going.” _

_ “I know…” He mumbles, pressing a kiss onto the top of her head, “Last tour I promise.” _

_ Sarah snorts a small laugh and rolls her eyes a bit, “Uh huh. Like how you just wanted to avenge the people who  _ _ didn’t _ _ survive the towers? Then you liked being over there because of the food and lack of alcohol?” _

_ “Sarah you’re underestimating my undying patriotism for the country my parents dragged me kicking and screaming to.” He jokes as the blonde huffs a laugh and nods. _

_ “Yep. That’s exactly it. My apologies for making you stay.” _

_ Joseph grins down at her for a few moments, before rolling over and laying on top of her, “You should be sorry! Now we have an American son! What would your ancestors think!” _

_ “Of me marrying an Englishman?” She snaps back, grinning like an ape. Joseph’s jaw drops in disbelief before rolling back over and staring at her; _

_ “I was too young to remember Britain and you know it.” _

_ “I know,” she looks up at him, maintaining her shit-eating grin, “but you were still born there.” she states, before leaning up and kissing him on the lips. _

_ “You know I’m going to fuck you real hard for saying that right?” he questions with a cocked eyebrow. Sarah leans back down, continuing her amused stare. _

_ “I was hoping for it.” _

_ “You’re a piece of work.”  _

_ Sarah crawls up a bit and kisses her husband passionately as he reaches down his pants, her hand teasingly running over his groin, “Want to, mmm, want to show me what that mouth of yours can do?”  _

_ “Depends, want to show me what yours can?” _

_ Joseph rolls his eyes and smirks knowingly, “Now I know where Steve gets it from.” _

_ “Like you haven’t already known for years.”  _

_ “You’re a little shit you know that?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ Sarah’s POV _

“So that was the last time you had sex since earlier tonight?” Johann questions as Sarah sighs and nods, taking a sip from a mug filled with tea.

“Yeah… It’s been a while.” She mumbles quietly. She felt strangely embarrassed. Embarrassed about what? Her husband dying?

“Nothing to be ashamed of. I ask all of my partners these questions before we become truly intimate. Speaking of which…” He trails off, going into his bag and digging through a couple papers as Sarah pulls out her phone and goes to text Steve. She should address it. Just get it out there.

**Sarah: About tonight… Im really sorry you had to see that, but you shouldve called beforehand**

**Steve: Steve’s asleep at the moment, this is Peggy**

Sarah groans a bit in shame. So Peggy knew too?

“Here.” Johann says as he hands her a sheet of paper and a pen, “I like to know what you like and do not like in bed.”

Sarah raises an eyebrow and takes the pen, before looking down and reading the sheet.

**_1-least comfortable_**                                                                                                                                                              ** _5-most comfortable_**

 

**_Anal_ **

**_BDSM_ **

**_Blindfolds_ **

**_Blowjobs_ **

**_Bondage_ **

**_Choking_ **

**_Collars_ **

**_Discipline_ **

**_Dom/sub_ **

**_Gags_ **

**_Hair pulling_ **

**_Masochism/sadism_ **

**_Multiple partners_ **

**_Name calling_ **

**_Pet play_ **

**_Role Playing_ **

**_Spanking_ **

**_Toys_ **

**_Any others:_ **

 

“Uhhhh…” She mutters, staring at the paper in shock, “H-Have you done all this?”

“Yes. Have you not?”

Sarah huffs a small laugh and shakes her head, looking up at him, “God no. I-I mean me and Joe used to do some foreplay but these are… more extreme then I’m used to.”

“Oh… okay then. Tell me what you’re comfortable with and I’ll tell you what I like.” He offers as Sarah nods and tries to think back, smiling a bit as she does so.

“Well… we never really took sex seriously. There was a lot of laughing. A lot of us joking around… lots and lots of cuddling and close contact. We were best friends before we started dating, so it’s not like we ever… there was only one time where we actually had to have a conversation afterwards, which was when I got pregnant with Steve.” she explains, “What about you?”

“Let’s see… I like to be in charge, I like having a restrained partner- but we don’t have to do that if you are not comfortable. I did not love all the clinging and kissing you were doing-“

“Really?” She interrupts in surprise. He nods and quickly kisses her on the forehead.

“It’s okay. You did not know. I prefer saving those sorts of things for the aftercare.” He clarifies as Sarah watches him warily and nods.

“Okay… well I guess both of us will have some adjusting to do.” She voices with a small smile, curling into him, “I can’t believe you don’t like close sex.”

He shrugs a bit, “I guess it is just up to preference.”

“I guess so.” she states, sitting up and resting her head on his shoulder, taking a deep breath and relaxing. This felt nice. 

_ Bucky’s POV _

He really couldn’t sleep that night, just staring up at the ceiling, mind racing. He genuinely couldn’t believe his thought process through the time he met Steve up until he was arrested. He kidnapped a kid  _ twelve _ years younger than him because he reminded him of his father that he had a crush on. A married man with a fucking son.

If he had just stayed put maybe Joseph could have made it out. They could’ve gone back to base with important information. Maybe joked about almost dying. 

Then he would finish his tour and go home. Steve would still have a father. Sarah wouldn’t be dating a  _ cult leader _ . There’d be another little Rogers if everything went the way Joseph told him.

Bucky dated Brock because he was the only one that gave him the attention he thought he needed when working through his PTSD and survivors guilt.

He only wanted Steve because of Joe.

That’s when it dawns on him.

He only wanted Steve because he wanted to  _ make it up _ to Joe.

He wanted to protect Steve from the world, make him feel safe and loved and comfortable in every way he could. Instead he fucked the poor kid up for life.

He tries to even  _ imagine _ how he would react if a 31 year old predator went after him at 19. He was still trying to find his sexuality, his preferences, himself.

The brunette rolls over in his creaky, uncomfortable bed and takes a shuddering breath, just letting the tears flow.

He deserved a good cry.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually lowkey proud of this chapter :P I hope you all enjoy! (I'm sorry in advance for the google translate translations and the phonetic Arabic)

**_2½ years later_ **

_ Bucky’s POV _

He actually couldn’t believe this was all finally over. He was free.

He was  _ free. _

He served his sentence. Brock was still stuck in there for another two years. He finally could just take a deep breath and relax.

Bucky steps out into the golden light of dawn and is immediately greeted by Dum Dum, who gives him a small smile and walks up to hug him.

“Good to have you back,” he mutters as Bucky leans in and sighs in relief.

“Yeah… Thank you so much again for letting me stay in your extra room.” 

“What are friends for?” He jokes as he leads Bucky to the car, opening up the trunk to show off a couple duffel bags. “I pulled some strings and got some of your stuff from out of storage. Your phone and camera are still evidence though, so you can just borrow my old one.”

Bucky stares at Dum for a bit, a smile creeping onto his face. “Thank you.”

Dum smiles back and pats him on the shoulder. “You’ve been through a lot.”

They both get into the front and Bucky slides himself into the passenger’s side.

“So, how’ve things been?”

“Good. My nephew graduated 8th grade in May. My sister made me sit through the whole ceremony,” he chuckles as Bucky grins and looks out the window.

“Danny, right?”

“Yeah,” he confirms as the brunette looks back over, “Remember when we used to drive him to little league and-”

“We got lost that one time and he missed the game?’ Bucky chuckles as Dum laughs softly;

“And then we bribed him not to tell his parents with ice cream?”

“Little snitch still spilled.” he mutters with fake bitterness. They both laugh a bit more and Bucky sniffs a bit,

“Apparently I’m an uncle now too.” he states with a somber grin, “Rebecca got married in June 2018 and she had a baby last October.”

Dum’s face lights up, “Really?’

“Yeah. Her name’s Addy. I’m seeing them at Thanksgiving.” 

“That’s great.” Dum says genuinely, before they both go quite for a bit, “A couple months ago Sarah invited me to Joe’s 10-year memorial. It was really sweet.”

“Huh… was Steve there?”

“Yeah.” Dum answers, giving Bucky a sad look, “Seems like he’s doing great.”

“Is he still dating that girl?”

“Peggy? Yeah.” there’s a small awkward silence as Dum chews on his lip, “I know it’s probably none of your business… but I just want you to know that Sarah got remarried.”

Bucky’s nearly chokes on his own spit, falling forwards and gasping, “To who?” he questions frantically as Dum stops the car and stares at him in shock.

“A-Are you okay?”

“Who’s she married to?”

_ Steve’s POV _

“She’s right down the hall, to the left.” the receptionist answers. Steve nods and smiles before heading where she pointed, pulling out the  **BOY or GIRL** cookies in his bag. As much as he  _ still _ didn’t like the fact that his mom married Schmidt, that wasn’t going to change the fact that it happened. Besides, he was excited to be an older brother, even if the baby’s father was the teacher that once called him an ignorant American for challenging him in class. He rounds the corner and walks into the room. To his surprise, Sarah was sitting up and faced away from him. No one else was in the room but from her energy he could tell something was up.

“Mom?” he asks quietly, putting his bag down and cautiously walking over to her, “Where’s Schmidt and the doctor?”

No answer. He sits down next to her and tries to move her head up, “Mom?”

“They had to escort Johann out.” she murmurs. She’s been crying.

“I really hope it had nothing to do with the gender.” he states warily, holding up the pink and blue cookies. She wasn’t having it, “Mom what happened?” he had a gut feeling he already knew.

Sarah sighs heavily, her now long again hair falling in front of her face, hiding her pain-stricken features, “I lost her…” Sarah shudders a bit and jams her face into her hands.

“I lost her. I lost the baby.” she whimpers, before letting out a small sob and looking up at Steve.

He quickly pulls her into a hug and starts crying when he feels her body shaking from the violent sobs, “Mom it’s not your fault-”

“I know! B-But I lost my baby!” she cries loudly. Steve takes a shaky breath and rubs her back gently, before noticing a nurse walk in and stop a few feet away from the bed.

“These… these are the pills for…” she trails off as Steve takes them and reads over the bottle. Abortion pills.

“Thank you.” he says as the nurse sighs heavily and kneels down next to them.

“Sarah it’s going to be okay…” she mutters as Sarah looks up at her hand lets out another sob, “Honey listen to me, you’re going to get through this.”

“Go away Meg.” Sarah whimpers as the nurse gently cups her cheek before sighing and standing up.

“Mom.” Steve says as he moves in front of her and brushes the hair out of her face, “Are you gonna be okay?” 

“She was going to be a girl.” she murmurs quietly, “I knew it would take some convincing but I wanted to name her Josephine or Joelle.” 

Steve stares at her sadly, before leaning up to kiss her on the forehead, “He’s not mad at you.”

“I-I know…” she weeps, before looking up at her son and cupping his face, “Everytime I look at you I see him. This was supposed to be our baby.”

Steve clenches his jaw a bit and chews on his lip. He can’t believe he’s about to defend his stepdad, “How do you think it would make Schmidt feel if he heard that?”

Sarah nearly huffs a laugh as she looks over at him, “I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about him.”

Steve gives her another sad smile before looking over at the door, where the doctor and a very red-faced Schmidt walk in. The blonde almost feels the need to move away, the energy he was giving off made him genuinely unsettled.

“Sir I’m sorry but it is not uncommon for two older people trying to conceive to lose a baby, it’s natural and there’s nothing that can prevent it.” the doctor explains calmly as Schmidt glares at him, before grinding his teeth and turning towards Sarah and Steve as he walks off.

“ _ Inkompetent arschloch. _ ” he growls under his breath, looking up at the picture of the stillborn on the ultrasound screen. 

“Johann…” Sarah mutters quietly as she pats Steve’s leg a bit, “Thank you honey… but can you give us a little time?”

Steve sighs heavily and gently rubs her hand, “Okay…”

She gives him a light smile as he gets up to leave, Schmidt grabbing his arm and pulling him close on the way out.

“ _ Das hättest du sein sollen. Bastard. _ ” he snarls quietly, before letting Steve’s arm go. He blinks a couple times in confusion as the older man pushes past him and sits down next to his wife. Steve backs out of the room warily before pulling out his phone and calling Peggy.

“ _ I’m surprised you actually remembered to call.” _

“Haha very funny.” he states dryly as he makes his way over to the couch in the waiting room, “I forget to call you one time-”

“ _ It was when you got your STD tests. _ ” she states bluntly as the blonde rolls his eyes and plops down, putting his bag next to him.

“Well I’m clean, are you happy?”

“ _ What could you tell from last week? _ ”

“Shut up Carter.” he snips as Peggy chuckles a bit on the other line.

“ _ So, tell me how your mother is doing.” _

Steve shifts in his seat a bit and scratches the back of his head awkwardly, “She uhh… she lost the baby.”

There’s a long pause from the other end, “ _ No… _ ”

“Yeah, apparently it’s pretty common for people in their 40’s.”

“ _ How’s she taking it? _ ”

“Not great. She said she feels guilty that she and dad never got to have another kid, then said she wanted to name their baby after him.”

“ _ Oh…. she still isn’t over your father? _ ”

“I never thought she was. It happened too fast for any closure. She didn’t even get to see his body.” he explains, shifting in the chair, “I think Schmidt knows it too.”

“ _ What makes you think that? _ ”

“When I was just walking out of the room because mom wanted me to give them some alone time, he grabbed my arm and whispered something to me in German. He looked like he had murder in his eyes.”

“ _ I don’t know. He’s probably just upset. It was his kid t- _ ”

Steve glances down at his phone as he sees another call coming in. He almost completely forgot he’d traded numbers with Officer Dugan at his father’s memorial. But why the hell was he calling him right now?, “Hey Peg I’ve got another call coming in, I’ll call you back okay?”   
“ _ Oh, umm, sure. _ ”

“Okay thanks,” he says before switching over to the other line, “Hello?”

“ _ Hey little Rogers. I, uhhh, gah… I just wanted you to know that Buck’s out of jail. _ ”

The color drains from Steve’s face, “What?”

_ Bucky’s POV _

Bucky tried to keep as silent as possible as he put his ear next to Dum Dum’s phone. God he missed Steve’s voice. It was so deep and satiny despite his size.

“Yeah… yeah… Buck’s out. Picked him up yesterday afternoon.” he explains as Bucky holds his breath and waits for Steve’s answer.

“ _ I-It’s really been two and a half years? _ ” Steve stammers, the brunette’s heart almost breaks. There’s fear in his voice.

“Yeah. I can put him on if you want-” Bucky gasps and pushes him away, waving his hand across his next and mouthing “NO”.

“Are you crazy?” he snarls in barely above a whisper.

“ _ I-Is he in the room with you? _ ”

Bucky quickly snatches the phone from his friend’s hand and ends the call, throwing on the couch and running his hands through his hair, “I-I don’t know why I thought I could do this.” he stutters, grinding his teeth anxiously, “I fucked up his life forever I can’t just have a phone conversation with him-”

“Bucky calm down.” Dum soothes, slipping a hand underneath his shirt and gently scratching his back. Bucky swallows hard and leans into the touch, “Thanks.”

He looks down for a moment in thought, “Why’d… why’d we stop our thing?”

“I didn’t want to. We said it was casual then you met Brock and I went to work for Phillips in Afghanistan.” Dum states as Bucky sighs and nods.

“Right.” he mumbles, before burying his face into his hands, “Why didn’t you stop me when I told you about Steve?”

Dum sighs heavily and puts a hand on Bucky’s leg, “I don’t know. I really don’t.”

The brunette raises an eyebrow, “You don’t know why you didn’t tell me to stop? Because you could’ve saved two and a half years of Brock continuing to ruin my life.”

“Well… you know I really liked Joe too right?”

“Pfft no I didn’t.” he says sarcastically, Dum rolls his eyes and pushes him playfully.

“I kind of had the same mindset you did. You said you wanted to protect Steve, and I honestly thought you could.”

Bucky clenches his jaw a bit and stares down at the floor, “Call him again tomorrow. I need to tell him something.”

“What?”

“When they made me do the report on how Joe died… I wasn’t exactly honest.”

Dum blinks a couple times in surprise, “What do you mean?”

“He didn’t have some heroic death that I caused...”

**_Baghdad, Iraq: 2010_ **

_ “I _ _ f I'm not back in twenty minutes, go.” _

_ Those words rang in Bucky’s head for a good ten minutes. He checked his watch every few seconds and stares at the hill which everything was over. That’s when he hears the frightened scream and sound of laughing.  _

_ “Nazarat! Nazarat! 'Amriki!” _

_ “D umbas algharbi ” _

_ The brunette quickly slides out how the jeep and crawls over to the top of the hill to get a better look.  _

_ “Jundiin muthir lilshafiqa." one of the four men surrounding Joseph comments. All the blood drains from his face as his superior shakily puts up his hands in surrender. _

_ “P-Please. I-I-I have a w-wife a-and a son-” _

_ “Kun hadya!” one of them snarls as he cocks his gun. Joe whimpers and flinches as a fifth man walks up.  _

_ “English correct?” he asks as Joe nods quickly. _

_ “Y-Yes! Yes! P-Please. I’ll tell you anything you want. I-I’m a Lieutenant I have important information. J-Just please let me go. I-I want to see my son again.” he begs, now sobbing. It was absolutely terrifying for Bucky to see him like this. He starts to turn around to call in for help, until another yell in Arabic caught his attention. _

_ “Akhr!”  _

_ There are two loud gunshots as the man who cocked his gun earlier shot Joe point blank before turning his attention to Bucky, who ducks behind the hill and attempts to run to the jeep. Another man seemingly appears out of nowhere and begins shooting, which forces him to run over the hill, tripping and hitting a landmine on the way down. There are a few more shouts in Arabic as the terrorists pack up their stuff and quickly retreat into the dark desert. _

_ Bucky lets out a couple loud sobs as the wound on his shoulder blisters and burns, shrapnel digging into the extremely tender skin. He crawls over to Joseph’s body and exhales shakily, pulling his head onto his lap and whimpering, “Oh g-god.” _

_ He looks around, tears blurring his vision and stinging his eyes. No…  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations, in order:  
> Inkompetent arschloch-incompetent shithead (or asshole, both were a correct translation  
> Das hättest du sein sollen-this should have been you  
> Nazarat! Nazarat! 'Amriki!-Look! Look! American!  
> dumbas algharbi-Dumbass westerner  
> Jundiin muthir lilshafiqa-Pathetic soldier  
> Kun hadya-Shut up  
> Akhr-Another


	29. Chapter 29

_ Steve’s POV _

He gets back to his shared apartment with Sam, Nat, and Peggy and finds the three of them sitting on the couch playing Mario Kart.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! WHO BLUESHELLED ME?!” Sam snarls as Nat grins subtly and zooms past him, finishing first. Peggy grits her teeth as she stumbles across the finish line last, before throwing the controller down.

“How are you two so good at this?!”

“It’s an American thing London.” Nat dismisses with a grin as Peggy huffs and picks the remote backup.

“No, this level was really hard.”

“Yoshi Falls is hard?”

“I keep driving into the waterfall!”

Steve quietly moves past them and makes his way to his and Peggy’s shared room, an amused grin on his face. His girlfriend’s complete ineptitude with video games never ceased to make him laugh. He slips inside and closes the door, causing the three of them to look up and Peggy sighs.

“I’ll go talk to him.” she states as she stands up and goes to the door, leaning on it lightly and knocking, “Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

She opens the door and pokes her head inside to see Steve unbuttoning his pants and pulling out sweats.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asks carefully, closing the door behind her on the way in. Steve sniffs a bit and pulls off his shirt and puts on a baggy tee.

“Yeah I’ll be fine.” he states, “I was just excited you know?”

Peggy smiles sadly and sits down on their bed, “Michael always used to tell me how excited he was when he found out I was coming along. It showed.”

Steve gives her a small smile and pulls down his pants, quickly reaching for the sweats on the bed, “From one oops baby to another, being the first oops is a lot more fun.”

“Yeah no kidding. Being eight years younger than your closest relative in age is not a pleasant experience.” she comments in annoyance as Steve pulls up his pants and sits next to her.

“Should I start calling you my baby and me your daddy?” he questions, completely joking. Peggy just glares at him as he holds out his hand. She grabs it and squeezes it tightly;

“I can break your hand.” 

“Right!” he squeaks as he attempts to pull it away. She lets it go and he rubs it gently, giving her an almost betrayed look.

“You know I was joking right? Because sometimes it’s hard to tell-”

“Just shut up.” she interrupts, before giving him a small grin. He returns it before going to the desk and sitting down, going through a couple paper files, “What are you doing?”

“Trying to find something.” he states bluntly, knitting his brows as he thumbs through each section, “C’mon…”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah I just…” he finally finds and pulls out the angel sketch he did for Bucky’s 32nd. The day he got arrested… “I wanted to finally give this to him.” he murmurs, turning around and erasing his completely out dick and sketching a loin cloth over it.

Peggy blinks a couple times in surprise, “He’s out?”

The blonde clears his throat a bit and nods, reaching for some markers to color the cloth in, “Yeah.” he sighs heavily and puts the marker down, swiveling the chair around and looking up at Peggy, “I want to talk to him and I know you’ll try and talk me out of i-”

“No I think it’s a good idea.” 

Steve blinks a couple times in surprise, “Really?”

“Yes, you should talk to him. There’s a lot to say. Just please don’t go home with him and get tied to his bed frame for the next five months.” she states jokingly. He rolls his eyes and stands up to kiss her, “Just promise me you won’t have sex with him-”

“Peg!” 

“I’m joking!” she defends, pushing him back into the chair playfully, “My goodness go play some games with Sam and Natasha, maybe they’ll help you calm down.”

“You just want me to avenge your honor.” he dismisses as Peggy leans down into his ear.

“I need you to red shell Sam right at the finish line.” she whispers, before moving to his lips and kissing him passionately. She pulls away and Steve swallows hard.

“Sometimes you really scare me.” 

Peggy smiles and taps him on the nose, “I know.”

_ Sarah’s POV _

The car ride back from the doctor’s office was one of the worst of her entire life. The silence was so heavy she could feel it weighing her down, suffocating her. 

They pull into the driveway of their shared house and Johann puts the car in park, not looking at her as he unbuckles his seatbelt, “A daughter hm?”

Sarah stares forwards and takes a shaky breath, “Mmhm.”

“No worries.” he states, reaching over to unbuckle her seatbelt for her, “We can always just try again.”

She looks up at him in complete and utter shock, “Wh-What?”

“Of course, we can just keep trying until-” Sarah grabs his hand and pulls it away from the buckle, jaw dropped.

“Wha- no!” she snaps as he pulls his hand back, “Are you being serious?!”

“Yes! Do you not want a child with me?” Johann questions in a defensive tone. Sarah clenches her jaw and gets out of the car, storming up to the front door and cursing when she realizes it's locked. She turns back around and glares at her husband, “I wanted the baby inside of me.”

He walks up and unlocks the door, both of them walking inside, equally annoyed with each other.

“To hell with that child! She was clearly wea-”

“I need you to shut the fuck up.” she snarls, eyes blazing with fury and heartbreak, “I had complications with Steve and thought I might have lost him and you know what? Even though we were going through a rough patch-”

“Don’t say his name.” Johann warns, taking a step forward and towering over her. Instead of backing down Sarah pushes him back angrily.

“Joe still cried with me.” she hisses with venom, “He sobbed when the doctors told us Steven may not make it. You  _ know _ your daughter is dead and you don’t seem to even care!”

Johann tightens his jaw before grabbing Sarah’s arm with an iron grip. She struggles and yells at him as he drags her upstairs and throws her into their room. She stands up and dusts herself off, her glare unwavering.

“Tell me you don’t mean that.” he commands calmly, closing the door behind him and pushing her onto the bed.

“Fuck you.” she snarls, standing back up and getting as into his face as she could. She knew she couldn’t intimidate him even if she tried, but she didn’t care. Johann glares back before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. He unlocks it and goes to photos, scrolling through for a bit before stopping on a certain video and handing it to Sarah. She takes it warily and presses the start button. 

It’s a in a dimly lit room, the camera facing a bed with someone asleep face down. They were naked with their arms bound behind their back.

She furrows her brows in confusion, that’s when it hits her. 

“No…” she pleads, pausing the video and trying to give him the phone back, “H-How do you even- WHY IS THAT ON YOUR PHONE?!” 

Johann grabs her neck and pins her to the bed with lightning speed. She struggles in vain as he reaches underneath her shirt and unhooks her bra.

“Johann stop!” she snarls, managing to kick him in the stomach and scrambling onto the other side of the bed, rubbing her neck, “What the fuck?!”

“When you misbehave you get a punishment you know this! Unless maybe the weakness did not come from the child.” 

Sarah clenches her jaw to the point she was afraid her teeth might snap, “Giving me a spank or a slap while we’re in bed is so unbelievably unrelated to what is happening right now! You don’t care when our child dies! You try to intimidate me into being submissive! You try to show me a video of MY SON BEING RAPED!” she growls, chest heaving, “Then you try to grope me?! What the hell happened to you? Ever since we got married something about you changed.”

“What has changed? I’ve been more honest? I don’t like when you constantly compare me to you ex husband?!”

“Ex husband?! I would still be married to him if it weren’t for-”

“What did you just say?” Johann interrupts, eyes blazing with fury. Sarah straightens herself a bit and glares back.

“He was the love of my life.” she defends, collected, “If he hadn’t died I wouldn’t have needed to lean on you for support when Steve went missing, hell, Steve might not have even gone missing.”

Her husband gives her a look that genuinely shakes her to her core. He crawls across the bed and yanks her onto the bed, pinning her on her stomach with an iron grip, “Johann what are you-” she feels a hand sip under her skirt, “STOP!”

“ _ Halt die klappe hure. _ ” he snarls, yanking down her underwear and pushing a finger into her ass. She snarls in anger, flailing desperately. He’d done some pretty fucked up things, especially when she would occasionally forget their ever changing safe word but this? Actual assault?

“Johann stop! Stop it!” she begs, fear taking over as he jams his knee into her calf, causing her to cry out in pain, “STOP! STOP!” 

“I told you to shut up!” he hisses as Sarah buries her face into the covers on the bed and sobs.

“P-Please…”

**_Brooklyn, New York: November 2017_ **

_ Sarah stops at the door and looks up at the Starbucks logo above her. She looks down at the note in her hand, confirming this is the place.  _

_ Take a deep breath… it’s just coffee with someone clearly interested… _

_ Now of all times- _

_ “Excuse me, sorry.” a girl apologizes as she squeezes past her into the store. Sarah mumbles an apology before taking a deep breath and walking in.  The note said the man in question would be wearing a tan suit… she scans the crowded cafe and doesn’t see anyone in the aforementioned suit. _

_ She sighs heavily and curses herself. Why did she think this was a good idea? She feels her face burn bright red from embarrassment and turns on her heel to leave, tears forming in her eyes. This was the one thing she thought could actually take her mind off Steve- _

_ A man nearly bumps into her and chuckles charmingly, “Sarah correct?” _

_ She looks him up and down. He definitely wasn’t wearing a tan suit, “Y-Yes.” she stammers, not being able to help the fact he looks vaguely familiar. _

_ He looks down as well and chuckles again, “Yes I know I’m not wearing what you thought I would. I thought I would try something new but it did not work. Would you like to sit?” _

_ “S-Sure… do I know you from somewhere?” she questions as they walk over to a vacant table in the corner of the coffeeshop. He nods and pulls out her chair for her. _

_ “Yes actually. Johann Schmidt. Your son was my student during his senior year in high school.” he explains as Sarah lights up. _

_ “Right! From what I gathered you two didn’t get long.” she comments, a lump rising to her throat at even the thought of her son. _

_ “I’m not sure how much he liked me but I really enjoyed his energy in class. He was always willing to challenge me. It was annoying yet welcomed.” he explains as Sarah smiles a bit. It fades and they sit for a moment in silence. _

_ “Why… Why did you invite me here?”  _

_ “Because I heard about what happened to Steven and wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help.” _

_ Sarah bites down on her lip and stares at the table, unable to stop the tears forming in her eyes, “The o-only thing that could help is telling me where he went.” she whimpers, furiously wiping her eyes with her sleeve. _

_ “No don’t hold it in… I’m sure this is incredibly difficult.” _

_ Her lip quivers slightly and she buries her face in her hands, “I just miss him so much.” _

_ “I understand. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.” he assures, reaching over to put a hand on her arm, “How is your husband taking it?” _

_ Sarah can’t help the small whine that leaves her throat, “H-He passed away.” _

_ “Oh… I’m so sorry.” he empathizes, before pulling out his wallet, “Let me buy you a drink. What will you have?” _

_ She looks up at him, misty eyed, “Vanilla latte with a blueberry scone?” she asks, another pang of sadness hitting her chest. Steve always stole her order. _

_ “Of course liebling.” he states, standing up. Sarah raises an eyebrow; _

_ “What does that mean?” _

_ “Oh, my apologies. Its German for darling.” he explains. She perks up a bit and feels her cheeks become red, _

_ “Oh…” she mumbles, mouth hanging open a bit. Johann chuckles and pushes his chair in. _

_ “I’ll get you that drink now.” he chuckles before walking to the counter. Sarah watches him and feels a small smile form on her face. It fades a bit and she looks up, sighing heavily; _

_ “This isn’t going to be like Richard I’ll promise you that.” she mutters, her smile coming back a bit, “I’ll see whether or not he’s a good fit… I’d want you to move on too.” she closes her eyes and sighs heavily again, “Tell Steve I love him so much.” she notices Johann walking back with their drinks and pastries, “I’ll talk to you more when I get home. I love you Joe.” she finishes quickly before pretending to check her phone, hoping that he didn’t hear her talking to the fucking ceiling. But she was optimistic about this.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! So this was kind of a weirdish thought but I'm curious about what you guys may think. So basically the way my brain works is that I make AUs of my AUs bc I can't control myself. But anyways the one that sticks in my head the most for this story is what if Joe DIDN'T die and Bucky just had his own personal shit and traumas that left him in the same mental place as the beginning of the story. Idk it's just a thought I had and I was curious if you guys might want to read that?


	30. Chapter 30

_Steve’s POV_

Steve, Nat, and Sam were all sitting on the couch, continuing to play Mario Kart as Peggy made two mugs of hot chocolate in the kitchen, one for her and one for the winner. And if it wasn’t Steve she was going to give it to him anyway.

“Come on come on come on come on!” Sam snarls as he uses a couple saved up mushrooms to make it to the finish. Steve shoots a sly grin at Peggy before zooming past Nat into second place and using a red shell to trip Sam up mere feet from the finish line. He turns towards Steve and gives him a death glare while the blonde grins and winks. That is, until Nat perfectly threw a banana in front of him and rushed past him to get first.

She grins triumphantly as Peggy walks over and she takes a cup out of her hand and sits back down on the couch, watching as Toad dances in the first place slot. Steve and Sam both frown as Peggy lets Steve take a sip of her grin, grinning when he tasted alcohol in it.

“Nice.” he approves as Sam goes back to the main screen.

“I want a rematch,” he picks up a fourth controller and throws it towards Peggy. Instead of catching it, it just hits her on the arm and falls into the couch. She shoots him a small glare and puts her drink on the coffee table in front of them and turns the remote on, “I’m winning at least once today.”

Nat snorts a laugh and leans into Steve, “Has he ever won one?”

“I think his family is a lot worse at this game than we are.” he snickers, before there’s a loud knock at the door, “Who is it?”

“ _Steve I need to talk to you._ ” Sarah whimpers through the door. The four college graduates look at each other warily before Steve stands up and goes to open the door. The color instantly drains from his face when he sees her. She’s clearly been crying and there were some pretty prominent marks and blooming bruises all over her visible skin.

“Mom are you okay?” he questions in concern, helping her inside. She avoids eye contact with everyone else and quickly walks into her son’s room, Steve follows her inside and closes the door, sitting down to her on his and Peggy’s bed, “What happened?”

Sarah sniffs and begins crying again, “A-After we got home J-Johann and I-I-I g-got into a fight a-and he…” she trails off, gritting her teeth, but unable to stop herself from breaking down, “You must have been s-so scared with B-Barnes,” she whimpers as Steve’s jaw drops.

“He didn’t.” he murmurs in disbelief. Sarah’s lip quivers and she pulls her son into a tight hug.

“Steven I’m so sorry.” she whimpers, kissing him on the side of the head, “ I-I love you so much honey.”

They stay like that for a few moments before Sarah pulls away and sniffs a bit, wiping her eyes some more, “H-He made me watch a video… wh-when…” she shows him a couple rope burns on her wrists. Steve covers his mouth with his hand and looks up at her in horror, “I don’t know h-how but someone leaked… baby, someone leaked your rape tape.”

Steve turns white as a sheet, a large lump forming in his throat as panic consumes him, “What?”

_Bucky’s POV_

He stares at the phone in his hand, pacing back and forth and running his hands through his hair, “Come on Barnes you shot at terrorists for christ sake.” he murmurs to himself in frustration, picking up the phone and reaching to press call. He’s about to touch the button before throwing it down and burying his face in his hands, “Shit.”

After another minute of pacing he finally holds his breath and picks the phone up, pressing call and tapping his foot nervously. After a few rings they person picks up.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Steve?”

“ _Bucky?_ ”

“Yeah it’s me… I-”

“ _You fucking piece of shit._ ” he hisses, catching Bucky completely offguard, “ _You’ve been out for a day how could you do this?_ ”

“Steve I-I have no idea what you’re-”

“ _Oh for the love of- don’t play stupid. I actually wanted to meet up with you, maybe talk about everything, but how could you release that tape? I was just about to accept a TA position with my high school art program and now I don’t know if I’ll get it.”_

“Punk, I really don’t know what you’re talking about, what tape?”

“ _My rape tape you idiot. And don’t call me punk.”_

Bucky’s jaw drops a bit and he feels a wave of pity wash over him, “Steve… I never showed a soul those videos or pictures. They’ve been in an evidence locker since I was arrested.”

There’s a long pause on the other side of the phone.

“Steve?”

“ _I have to go._ ”

“No.” he says quickly, “I-I wanted to meet up too.”

“ _That place where we first met?_ ”

“Y-Yeah I can do that, 11 o’clock tomorrow?”

“ _Sure._ ”

“Okay, see you s-” he’s cut off by Steve hanging up. The brunette takes a deep breath and lays down on his bed, rubbing his face with his hands.

Okay. He needed to figure out what he was going to say.

_Steve’s POV_

There’s a knock on the front door again. Nat was about to go and answer it, but Steve quickly chases her away from the door and takes a deep breath, he had a feeling he knew who this was going to be.

“Stay the hell away from her.” he snarls as Schmidt glares down at him. Nat and Sam look at each other nervously and pick up their phones. Sam grabs his wallet and they slip past the older man and walk to the elevator.

“So she did come here.” he comments, pushing past the blonde and looking around, hearing the sound of a shower going in Steve and Peggy’s room, “Let me talk to her.”

Steve glares up at him and takes a step towards the closed door, giving a signal knock to Peggy that he was here. She locks the door and there’s the sound of footsteps to the bathroom inside.

“No.” Steve states defiantly, “You know you’ve got a lot of nerve coming here.”

“What Sarah must have told you is exaggerated.”

“Are you calling my mother a liar?”

Schmidt stares at him for a moment, before looking away and grinning slightly, “I would very carefully watch what you say.”

“Fuck you.” he snips, “I knew you wouldn’t be good for her. Abuser.”

Steve gasps as Schmidt grabs his throat and slams him against the wall, “She never even mentioned your father when you were dead.” he hisses as the blonde uselessly claws at his neck, face getting bright red, “She was this sweet, submissive little thing. I should have made my move much quicker than I did. I was upset when they found you. They should have finished you off.”

“Wh-at?” Steve strains, desperately trying to catch his breath as he felt an asthma attack come on, “I kn-know you didn’t write t-that n-ote.”

Schmidt drops him and Steve gulps in giant breaths of air, scrambling to his bag and taking multiple doses from his inhaler, “What did you just say?”

“I know Mr. Erskine asked her out. He actually wanted to help her. Do you really hate him that much? What did he ever do to you?” he questions hoarsely, rubbing his throat. Schmidt fixes collar and looks in one of the wall mirrors to comb his hair with his hand, “You knew where I was?”

“No. It would have been a happy coincidence if they just killed you for fun instead of Barnes.”

Steve swallows hard and shakily stands up, “You know Bucky?”

“We had a brief encounter, yes. But Brock is one of my closest friends.” Schmidt explains as the color leaves his face.

“Y-You…”

“ _Sarah you don’t have to-_ “

The door to the bedroom unlocks and Sarah walks out, hair soaking wet and smeared, teary makeup completely gone. Steve stares up at his mother in horror as she avoids eye contact, leaning up to whisper something in her husband’s ear.

“Come on.” he commands, grabbing her arm and nearly dragging her out the door, slamming it behind them.

Peggy notices the large red marks in Steve’s throat and her breath hitches, “Did he-“

“He grabbed my throat and slammed me against that wall.” he stares dryly, walking over to the couch and taking a deep breath, “My mom needs to break up with him.”

“Steve-“

“He can’t treat her that way.” he snarls. There’s a long silence before he sniffs and wipes his eyes with his sleeve, “I miss my dad.”

Peggy sighs lightly and puts a comforting hand on Steve’s back, guiding his head into her chest.

“I know…” Steve sniffs loudly again and Peggy feels wetness on her shirt, pulling him into a gentle hug, “Just let it out. It’s okay.”

**_Manhattan, New York: 2001_ **

_A three year old Steve rolls around in his bed, trying to fall back asleep. He woke up a few minutes ago to use the bathroom but couldn’t fall back asleep. He sits up and pouts, before swinging his small legs over the side of the bed and wandering out of his room. He quietly walks across the apartment and approaches the dim light coming from another room. The blonde pushes open the door and notices his father passed out on his desk. He walks over and gently shakes him up._ _  
_ _“Daddy?” he mumbles as Joseph squeezes his eyes and yawns loudly, before opening his eyes and giving Steve a tired smile_

_“Hey buddy.” he greets, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, looking at all the paperwork in front of him and pushing it to the side, “What time is it?”_

_“One thirty.” Steve answers quietly, crawling onto his father’s lap. Joseph smiles down at him before taking off his glasses and turning off his lamp, carrying Steve over to his bed and laying down with him. He sighs heavily and pulls the blanket over both of them._

_“What are you doing up so late?”_

_“I go to the bathwoom. Can’t fall sleep.” he mumbles, curling into him, “Why is mama gone?”_

_Joseph sighs a bit and kisses Steve on the top of the head, “Well… you know how granny and pop are my mama and daddy?”_

_The blonde nods slightly and yawns,._

_“Your mom’s parents…” he trails off, trying to find the best way to explain death to a three year old, “They went away. And your mama wants to say goodbye to them before they’re gone for good.”_

_“Oh…” Steve whispers, looking up at his father with wide eyes, “Awe you gonna leave me?”_

_Joseph gives him a sad smile and taps his son’s nose, eliciting a giggle, “Never.”_

_“Cwoss your heawt?”_

_The older man chuckles and draws an X across his chest, “Cross my heart. Hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye.”_

_Steve gasps and shakes his head, “No! No! That huwt!”_

_Joseph chuckles and pulls Steve in, wrapping them up in the blankets even more, “Fine, I won’t do that.”_

_“Still pwomise not leave?” he confirms as Joseph looks down at his son pridefully._

_“Of course."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm highkey super proud of that last part


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to jinx it but I'm highkey proud of myself for pumping out so many chapters semi consistently

_ Bucky’s POV _

Seeing Steve for the first time in over two years was… interesting to say the least. He looked older, less naive, but just as handsome. They sit across from each other at a booth, you could almost cut the awkward tension between them with a knife.

“You, uh, you look good.” Steve compliments, before taking a sip of his drink and looking away. Bucky gives him a forced smile back, before sighing and rubbing his hand, “Steve I-”

“Stop.” he interrupts, putting up his hand and leaning forwards, “Just stop.”

Another silence fills the air and Bucky opens ins mouth again, “I know why I did it.”

Steve stares at him with an unreadable expression.

“I didn’t protect Joe when I could have. I wanted to, I don’t know how but I wanted to make it up to him by sheltering you from the world.”

Steve raises an eyebrow, “Then where the hell did the sex thing come from?”

“I had a massive crush on him. I had a hard time separating the two of you in my head-“

“Excuse me?” He interrupts again, eyes blazing with fury.

“Well, I knew I wasn’t fucking  _ him.”  _ Bucky defends, before realizing how fucking awful that excuse was. Steve stares at him in disbelief for a few moments, before looking away and taking a sip of his coffee with a small grin.

“You are such an idiot.”

Bucky smiles at him and nods, “I know.”

There’s another painfully awkward silence between them, until Steve clears his throat and digs through his bag, “I’ve actually got something for you.”

Bucky watches the blonde curiously as he pulls out a folder and hands it to him. He opens it and gasps. The commission.

“Steve…”

“Thought you could use some cheering up.” 

Bucky looks up at him and feels a small lump form in the back of his throat. He still cares.

“Thank you.” he mutters as yet another uncomfortable silence falls between them, “I need to come clean to you about something.”

Steve slowly moves the cup away from his perfect lips and furrows his brows.

Shit. All he could think about was the blonde’s cute post blowjob expression, cum splattered all over his face with his eyebrows looking almost exactly like that. He must have zoned out for a little too long because Steve taps the table to get his attention.

“You were saying?”

“What- oh right! I, uh, I wasn’t completely honest, w-with anyone when I gave the report on how your dad died…”

_ Steve’s POV _

As he listened to Bucky’s actual story on how his dad died, his jaw clenched tighter and tighter, nails digging into his palms. 

“So you didn’t do anything?”

“Steve I-“

“You just let him die?!” he snarls, slamming his cup on the table and leaning on it to get leverage. Bucky jumps and gives him a horrified expression.

“Steve people are watching-“

“I DON’T CARE! 

Bucky recoils and slumps into his chair like a child being scolded.

“You could’ve caused a distraction! You could have gotten him out! My mother’s stuck in an abusive, one sided relationship because  _ you _ didn’t have the fucking guts to save my dad’s life!” 

“Steve I was barely older than you when it happened! I was scared!”

“And you’re his age when he died, you think he  _ wasn’t  _ scared?! You wouldn’t be scared now?!”

“Steve I was just listening to hi-“

“No.” Steve interrupts, standing up and slinging his back over his shoulder, “I thought this was a good idea.”

“It was-“

“Shut the fuck up.” he hisses as he aggressively throws his chair back into place and begins to storm out.

“His last words were ‘I want to see my son again’.” Bucky states as Steve stops in his tracks, his breath hitching for a moment, before he shakes his head and continues to walk out. 

He pulls out his phone and goes to contacts, scrolling through until he got to Peggy. He was just about to press call before someone aggressively pushes him into a dead end alley. He tries to catch himself but ends up falling on his wrist at an angle, causing him to yelp in pain. 

“Hey what’s your problem?!” he snips, looking up at the guy blocking his only escape onto the street. Panic instantly rises in his throat as the guy pulls out a knife, “H-Hey, you can take my wallet.” he stammers, fumbling into his bag.

“Sorry buddy, it’s nothin’ personal.” the man states with no actual apology in his voice. Two other people show up behind him and one from behind Steve. The first guy delivers a devastating blow to his head, sending him flying into the pavement. Steve quickly tries to scramble up and puts up his arms pathetically, although he can barely stand up straight. The thugs laugh and the one behind me Steve puts him in a headlock and backs them both up into the wall.

Steve flails his arms and lets desperately, his entire body kicking into fight or flight mode, “P-Please.” he strains as one of them punches him in the stomach, hard. 

“Heh, look at him gettin’ all red.” one of them taunts as the guy holding Steve back grabs his face with his free hand and licks from his jaw up to the corner of his eye. The blonde tries to kick behind him but he felt like he was about to pass out as a gun presses against his stomach. He begins hyperventilating, kicking, punching, biting, anything.

“W-Why?” he whimpers, his vision beginning to black out as the man squeezes harder.

“Hail Hydra.” he whispers in Steve’s ear.

The gun goes off with a muted bang.

_ Bucky’s POV _

Something didn’t seem right about the guy that followed Steve out of the cafe. He looked seedy. So he waited for about thirty seconds before following him out. Bucky loses him in a crowd of people for a little bit and grunts in annoyance, halfheartedly walking in his direction. 

_ What the hell am I doing? _

He wonders to himself as he stops walking and turns around to go back to Dum Dum’s apartment, but not before hearing a faint voice in the distant, followed by a struggle. He cocks an eyebrow and cautiously walks over to the noise, coming from a nearby alley. He looks around the corner just in time to hear…

“Hail Hydra.”

_ *bang* _

Steve falls backwards as the guy holding him there lets go. Bucky recognized these guys. Brock’s friends. Schmidt sent his men on Steve…

He tightens his fists and sprints at the men with the fury of a berserker, slamming one of their heads into the wall and taking another one out with a swift kick to the junk, punching him in the face just for good measure, the one with the gun tries to reload fast enough to fire again but the brunette knocks it out of his hand and elbows him in the jaw.

“This guy’s crazy!” the only man who had the luck of not being a victim of Bucky’s frenzy screams as he and two other guys run off. Bucky’s able to tackle the one with the gun before he can escape and bashes his head into the concrete, rendering him unconscious. He takes a few deep breaths before sprinting over to Steve and pulling his head onto his lap.

There’s blood pouring from a scrape on his temple. It looked almost identical to…

“Joe…” he mumbles quietly, tears springing from his eyes as he leans down and kisses Steve on the forehead, the reality of the situation dawning on him.

They tried to kill him.

Steve coughs weakly and moans in pain, but stays unconscious, which is enough to snap him out of his panicked daze and hear a faint voice.

_ “Steve what’s going on?! Can you hear me?! STEVE!” _

Bucky notices Steve’s phone laying a couple feet away. He gently places his head back down onto the ground and reaches for the phone, putting it up to his ear as Peggy screams into the microphone.

“ _ Was that a gun?! ANSWER!” _

“Carter?” he questions as the other line goes silent.

“ _ No… what did you do to him? _ ”

“What- no! I-I need to call 911.” he stammers, fumbling for his own phone and running back over to Steve, wincing as he applies pressure to the wound in his stomach.

_ “What happened?! _ ”

Bucky grumbles in annoyance and turns Steve’s phone on speaker, “Four guys jumped him.”

“ _ 911 what’s your emergency? _ ”

“My friend got jumped! They hit his head a couple times and shot him in the stomach. I-I don’t think it’s fatal but he needs an ambulance.”

“ _ Fatal?! _ ” Peggy screeches over the phone, before Bucky hangs up the phone so he could talk to the operator.

_ Peggy’s POV _

She nearly throws herself out of the cab and sprints up the stone steps to her boyfriend’s mother’s house. She rapidly knocks on the door, jamming her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she tries to listen in on what was going on inside of the ambulance after Bucky called her back and put Steve’s phone in the vehicle.

“What is with all the knocking?!” Schmidt snips as Peggy pushes past him into the house, looking around.

“Where’s Sarah?”

“In the bath-“

Peggy instantly begins to run upstairs, but Schmidt rushes over to grab her arm and yank her back, throwing her onto the hardwood floor at the bottom of the stairs, sending her phone flying, “I need to talk to her!”

“Can’t it wait- or perhaps you could just tell me and I could tell her later.” he offers. Peggy glares as him and goes to retrieve her phone, seething when she discovers a large hairline fracture all the way up the screen.

“Steve is in the hospital and bleeding out from a gunshot wound!” she snarls as she tries to get past him again. Schmidt stops her by the chest and squeezes, catching her completely off guard. She begins to feel her cheeks become red as the older man gives her a sinister smile and his thumb pulls down the collar of her shirt, revealing the red lace of her bra.

“Hmm, it still surprises that you’ve stayed with him for so long. You could get any man you want with these.” he comments. Peggy doesn’t even know how to react, frozen from sheer panic and fear. This had never happened to her before. 

He uses his other hand to cup her other boob and pushes them together, making a satisfied expression as he did so, “So firm… if only Sarah had a pair like this…” he pulls down her shirt and lifts up her chest to where they were hanging out, a bit of her large areola peeking out the top. That’s when her brain kicks back into gear and she punches him in the gut as hard as she can, stumbling back. She fixes her shirt and stares at him horror, before running up the stairs and banging on the bathroom door.

“Sarah! Steve’s in the hospital!”

The sound of running water stops and the tv inside goes silent, “ _ What happened? _ ”

“I-I don’t quite know but he was jumped then shot!” she yells, glancing behind her and seeing Schmidt waking up the stairs. Her breath quickens as she can hear Sarah stumbling out of the tub. She runs out in only a towel, damp hair tied up in a messy bun. She slips and falls before scrambling up and running into her room, slamming the door behind her.

Peggy freezes when she feels Schmidt put a hand on her shoulder and moves her back so he’s standing between her and the door, “Shame you’re being wasted on that scrawny little  _ shiesse. _ ” he comments, running the back of his hand down her cheek. She tightens her jaw and looks up at him, “If I were twenty years younger-“

Sarah whips open the door and smacks her husband in the process. She grabs Peggy and nearly drags her down the stairs and towards the front door. 

“Johann come on!” Sarah yells as Peggy stops at the door and shakes her head.

“No!” she protests frantically, before pulling Sarah out, “N-No time!” 

“But Johann-“

“NO TIME!”

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm super sorry about how long this chapter took. I was having a bit of writers block then was on vacation for two and a half weeks so things have been a little hectic.

**_3 days later_ **

_ Peggy’s POV _

Watching Steve try to breath was probably one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. Apparently the bullet was angled up and shot through one of his lungs. Even after the extensive surgeries he still choked and gasped for his breath as his small body just  _ kept fighting _ .

Peggy had convinced Sarah to go home and rest, so she’d been sitting with him through the night. Her body was screaming for her to go to bed but going back to their apartment and sleeping in that bed without him would have been worse than staying up.

Steve groans in pain and shifts in the bed, but stays unconscious. Peggy peruses her lips a bit and leans down to kiss him in the forehead, “D-Don’t worry darling, everything will be alright.”

She hears a small sniff from the doorway and turns around to see Sarah standing with a drink and a bag in her hands, “I-I didn’t know what you liked,” she mutters as she walks inside and hands Peggy the food. “It’s a piece of lemon pound cake and a chai tea latte. I-I’m assuming you like tea.”

Peggy chuckles a bit and nods, “Yes, I do actually.” she assures, taking Steve’s hand and squeezing it gently. “Thank you.”

“No, I-I really needed some sleep… it’s the least I could do,” she says as the brunette gives her a sad smile and stands up, letting her sit in the chair. “He’s been pretty stable. Just some slight breathing issues,” she states before walking out of the room, tears pricking her eyes as she hears Sarah let out a small sob. She shakes her head to try and fight back the tears before heading home. 

She pops the last piece of cake into her mouth as she enters the apartment, taking a deep breath and throwing her keys on the table. She notices Sam and Nat sitting on the couch with the tv on silent, looking at her expectantly.

“How is he?” Nat asks quietly. Peggy bites her lip and tries to fight back the tears again.

“H-Holding on,” she states, before quickly going into their room and closing the door behind her. She walks over to the bed and sits down, feeling almost numb. He had to be okay. There was no other option.  _ He had to be okay _ .

She moves over to his side of the bed and picks up the picture on his nightstand. It was him and his father asleep on together on a couch. The brunette sighs heavily before putting it back down and snooping through the drawers. Nothing she hadn’t seen before. His inhaler, some old books and sketch pads, some pencils. She gets to the last drawer and notices only one thing inside. A box wrapped in paper. She raises an eyebrow and looks around, suddenly feeling a pang of guilt.

“I shouldn’t be doing this,” she mumbles to herself quietly. She puts the box away and sits there for a few moments, before going back and getting it back out, slowly unwrapping the paper and opening it up. 

Her heart nearly stops. In the center of the little box was a small diamond ring. She notices a piece of paper tucked in the back of the drawer as well and shakily picks it up and flips it around to read it.

_ Peggy. We’ve been dating for 4 years and they have been some of the best in my life. You’ve been with me through so much and I just really want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me? _

Steve was going to propose…?

_ Sarah’s POV _

She couldn’t for the life of her explain why, but ever since Steve was a baby the one thing that always calmed him down was her humming “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. Maybe that should’ve been her first clue that he wasn’t completely straight.

“But we are two world apart. Can’t reach your heart. When you saaaaay, I want it that way,” she sings with a sad smile, noticing her son physically relax, “Tell me why, ain’t nothin’ but a heartache, t-tell me w-wh-y…” she whimpers before breaking down again. At least she’s had a sense of relief when they found him in Barnes’ apartment.

She feels a hand on her shoulder and looks up to see Johann staring down at her. She bites her lip and looks back over at Steve. “Wh-Why would anyone do this?”

“The world is cruel sometimes.” he comments as Sarah covers her face with her hands and begins crying again, “No, no, don’t cry…”

“The doctor told me he only has a 65% chance he’ll live.”

“That’s good-“

“NO!” she snarls, before taking a deep breath and turning back to Steve, “I can’t lose him again… I-I…” she goes very quiet for a few moments before feeling Johann wrap his arms around her. She leans into him and lets herself sob into his chest. “If he doesn’t… H-He has to but if he d-doesn’t… you need to keep me away from a-anything I could use to h-hurt myself.” she mutters.

“ _ Liebling- _ “

“I-I will kill myself… Johann, please listen to me… no matter how much I try and tell you I’m fine and that I’m okay, don’t believe me because I won’t be.” She leans down and kisses Steve on the forehead as he begins to gasp and cough, before calming back down.

“Can I have a moment with him?” Johann questions, catching her completely off guard.

“U-Uh… s-sure.” Sarah stammers, she wasn’t expecting him to say that. She stands up and leans down to kiss her son again, “I want it thaaaat way,” she sings, smiling a bit when Steve shifts a bit and relaxes. “I promise I’ll be right back,” she assures, before standing up and kissing Johann on the top of the head. “I’ll be right outside.”

_ Schmidt’s POV _

As soon as Sarah leaves the room he leans over his step son and gives him a look of complete disdain. Killing Steven wasn’t hard. He was going to have a talk with Ward when he had the chance.

Schmidt looks around before glancing at the plug that powered the respirator helping Steve breath. He nonchalantly kicks the reset button. 

The blonde instantly starts gasping for breath and choking on air, and in the process he pulls out a couple of the IV’s as well.

“Sleep well Sunshine Boy,” he taunts as the heart beat monitor begins to beep rapidly. He waits a moment before standing up and running out the door, “Sarah his respirator malfunctioned!” he yells in a fake panic. The color drains from her face before she runs back inside, leaving him in the waiting room with a satisfied grin.

_ Steve’s POV _

He rolls over in his bed and slowly yawns, before flopping on his back and blinking up at the ceiling. He looks over at his clock and raises an eyebrow when it reads 00:00. There must’ve been a power outage. He shrugs a bit before sitting up and stretching, cracking his back in the process.

“Hey Steve,” a voice greets from the other side of the room. He blinks a couple times before noticing his father sitting at his desk, chair facing his bed.

“Dad?” he asks, yawning again. “What are you doing in my room?” his voice was prepubescent, he couldn’t wait for his voice to drop. Fingers crossed for his 12th birthday.

“Would you rather stay with me or your mother?” Joseph questions. Steve stares at him in confusion, trying to shake his morning grogginess.

“What?”

“You can either stay with me, or your mother, Peggy, Bucky, all of them. Which one do you choose?”

His father’s tone was starting to scare him, “Wh-Who’s Peggy and Bucky?”

Joseph stands up and walks over to Steve’s bed, sitting down next to him and gently taking his hand, “I’ve missed you so much. I want you to stay with me.”

“B-But what about mom?-“

He squeezes his hand tighter and Steve begins to panic, trying to pull it away. “If you choose me she’ll join us soon.“

“Dad stop,” he begs quietly, “You’re scaring me-“

“Steven just come with me,” he demands, standing up and holding out his hand. Steve very warily takes it and his father yanks him up and drags him out of the room and into the hallway. He furrows his brows when he looks down the hall and sees a very bright white light.

“D-Dad please stop-“

“You’ve been all I’ve been able to think about for the last 10 years, just please come with me,” Joseph states as he leads Steve towards the light.

“P-Please stay… baby please…” Steve’s suddenly much younger, around 3 or 4, and his mother scoops him up in her arms and holds him tightly, crying into him, “D-Don’t go…”

“Mama?” 

He’s 11 again and his father is pulling him towards the light, “Come on please do it for me-“

“St-Steven…” 

“Buddy c’mon.”

“J-Just hold on…”

Steve looks between his two parents and feels tears begin to spring from his eyes, “I-I don’t wanna choose,” he whimpers, backing away from both of them. His back his something behind him and he looks up to see a figure with a twisted, red face leering down at him. He gasps and stumbles away in fear as the figure shoves him towards his father and grabs his mother.

“Mom!” he yells as he tries to run towards her, but he’s stuck in his father’s iron grip as he drags him towards the light, “N-No! Stop please! DAD STOP!”

“STEVE!” Sarah screams as she tries to reach him.

All of the sudden everyone and everything is gone and deafening silence surrounds him. Steve’s breath quickens and he looks around in terror, “H-Hello?” 

He hears someone take a shaky breath, but looks around and sees no one there.

“Steve… Please wake up… Please.” 

He slowly blinks awake and notices a bright light above him, his heart sinking. He quickly sits up and looks around, breathing heavily.

_ Bucky’s POV _

He lets out a sigh of relief when Steve groans a bit in his sleep. He’d shown up just when his respirator failed and they told him Steve was just barely hanging on. Sarah was in another room being rightfully manic and Bucky caught a glimpse of her husband trying to calm her down.

Schmidt. 

He feels his blood boil but can’t hold onto the anger for long as Steve quickly shoots up and frantically looks around the room, “B-Buck?”

Bucky gives him a tearful smile and moves his seat up, “Y-Yeah it’s me… It was really touch and go for a bit…”

Steve coughs a bit and straightens himself up, wincing at the pain in his stomach, “Am I dead?”

“I sure hope you aren’t,” he states with a small chuckle. Steve gives him a weak smile back and lays back in the bed, “How long has it been since…”

“A little over three days. Your respirator stopped working for a few minutes so it was… really really scary.” he states, tearing up a little as he reaches for Steve’s hand and squeezes it gently. “I’m so sorry for not telling you the truth about your dad… I just- I wanted everyone to see him as a hero. And I guess I wanted you to think more of me. I could’ve stepped in I really could have.” 

“Bucky, you would’ve-“ he breaks into a coughing fit and Bucky quickly gets him a cup of water, “I-I’m fine...you would’ve been killed too. I just  _ hate _ Schmidt, and my mom would’ve never looked at him if you’d just left me alone.”

He sighs heavily and hangs his head in shame. “I know. I’m sorry… I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life but the biggest one was ever talking to you I just… you were just so beautiful.”

Steve shifts in the bed uncomfortably and Bucky instantly feels guilty, “I-It’s not because of Joe, seriously. I was really attracted to you.”

“But you wouldn’t take no for an answer. Then gave me the worst six months of my life-“

“I know I know,” he interrupts, “I said I’m sorry. And believe me I got what I deserved. Being stuck in a jail cell with Brock fucking Rumlow for over two years.”

Steve winces in sympathy, “They paired you with him?”

“Mmhm.”

They sit in silence for a bit, this strange, electric energy between them. Bucky feels himself move towards the blonde and the action is reciprocated as they gently lock lips. He forgot how good of a kisser Steve was. After a few seconds Steve squeaks and pulls away, blushing.

“Th-Thanks for saving my life,” he stammers, before moving away and staring at his fingers.

“It’s the least I could do.” Bucky states with a small smile, before wiping a bit of drool off the corner of Steve’s mouth, “I’m just gonna go…”

“Okay…” he says as the brunette stands up and begins to walk out. “Wait.” Bucky stops in his tracks and turns around, “When I get released…would you want to go out for lunch? My treat.”

Bucky gives him a small smile and nods, “Yeah. I would actually,” he says, before walking out of the room with a small smile. 


	33. Chapter 33

_ Sarah’s POV _

When she left Steve in the hospital he seemed pretty stable, although they had to run some more tests to make sure his lungs and everything were working properly after the malfunction. So it was even more devastating when she watches Johann emerge from the bathroom with his phone in hand, tears in his eyes, “I-I just received a call…”

She raises an eyebrow and puts down her ipad, moving next to him near the edge of the bed, “What’s going on?”

“That was the hospital… th-they said Steven… he passed away.”

Sarah could swear those last few words were in slow motion. She almost laughs and shakes her head, “Th-That’s impossible he was fine earlier-”

“They found a problem with his lungs and when they performed surgery they made a mistake and… Sarah I’m so sorry.” he murmurs, giving her a comforting hug.

She goes numb, feeling tears prick her eyes, but she’s unable to respond. She leans into her husband and a small whimper escapes her lips.

This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be gone...

_ Steve’s POV _

He yawns loudly as he walks into his apartment, loudly closing the door behind him. Nat sprints out from her room and Sam drops the spatula he was using to make dinner pancakes.

“Oh thank god you’re okay!” Nat sighs in relief as she pulls him into a tight hug. Steve coughs and chuckles lightly.

“O-Ow…” he groans as the redhead realizes she was squeezing his wound and backs up.

“Shit! I’m sorry!” she apologizes as Sam walks over with a plate filled with pancakes.

“Thought you’d want a pick me up.” he says as Steve lightly takes the plate and smiles.

“Thanks.” he says gratefully, before looking around, “Where’s Peggy? I need to talk to her.”

“In your room. Everything okay?” Nat questions in concern, noticing his expression change.

He grins widely and looks around, before gesturing for them to lean in, “I have a ring.”

Both of their jaws drop and they stare at him in shock.

“No…” Sam mumbles in disbelief. Nat begins to glow and can’t help but hug him again.

“Oh my god I’m so happy for you!” she whisper-yells, “Do you think she’s gonna say yes?”

“I hope so. I mean, we’ve been dating for over four years. And I know we’re young but we don’t have to get married right away. And I especially don’t want to start a family for a while.” he looks over at his room and sighs, “I just love her a lot.”

“Well good luck Cap.” Sam states, patting him on the shoulder, “You got this.”

He smiles at them appreciatively and goes to his room, giving her a warning knock before walking in. He puts the plate down on the dresser and goes over to the bed, confused at Peggy’s lack of acknowledgement, “I need to talk to you about something.”

Peggy looks up at him, he wasn’t expecting to see tears in her eyes, “I actually do too. A-And I think I know what you’re going to say.” she mutters. Steve nearly laughs and shakes his head.

“I don’t think you do-“

“I found that ring.” she interrupts, “A-And the note.”

Steve’s jaw drops, “Wh-What?”

“I love you… so so much. But… Steve we’re only 22. A-And we’ve dated all of college, wh-which is fine, but I always pictured…”

“That we were going to break up?” he questions, betrayal in his voice.

“Steve…”

“I-Is it because you’re afraid of commitment? Because w-we don’t have to get engaged yet-“

“Steve I’ve been meaning to do this for a while!” she snaps defensively, before they both go quiet, “I…I’ve been thinking a lot about what  _ I  _ want lately and I think it would be a good idea to…go on a break.” 

Steve clenches his jaw and stands up, pacing back and forth, “If you were feeling this way then why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Because I hadn’t built up the courage yet. I love you, I really do but I need to be on my own for a bit.” she mumbles, “I want to get to know myself… I-I don’t want to be like both of our parents. My mother was  _ twenty _ my dad was twenty-four. How old were yours?”

“Twenty-one and twenty-two, but it’s not either of them were planned. My parents had a green card wedding! My mom was going to get kicked out of the country because her study visa was up.”

“Steve, I just really need you to respect my choice.”

“Is it because I brought up the pegging thing? It’s not that I miss Bucky as much as it is I’m bisexual-”

“Are you not listening to me?!” Peggy snips angrily, causing Steve to back down, “I want to get to know myself outside of  _ our _ relationship! I-If that means I end up dating around then so be it! But I don’t want to be tied down by you anymore!”’

Steve blinks a couple times, allowing a few tears to slide down his cheeks, “I tie you down?”

Peggy’s expression falls and she looks at the floor, “I don’t want to be ten years into a place marriage and realize the huge mistake I’ve made by not living my life. Just… give me five years.” she murmurs, “F-Five years from now...If you’re still single, and I’m still single, we can try again. Is that fair?”

The blonde swallows hard and wipes his eyes, before giving her a tight hug, “”F-Fine...:”

She breaks down and squeezes him back, “I love you… I do. B-Before we do this I need you to know that I love you so much.”

Steve’s lip quivers and lets out a small whimper, “I love you too.”

**_An hour later_ **

“You know, when I called my mom’s phone because I wanted to talk to  _ her _ , I didn’t think you’d show up.” Steve comments dryly as Schmidt takes a swig of beer and nods.

“Well she’s been up for a very long time. I thought she deserved some rest.” he states as Steve takes a sip of his glass of wine. He really liked being over twenty-one. 

“Right...But I’m sure you don’t want to listen to me talk about my break up. I think I’m just gonna go home-”

“Steven I’ve been on the receiving end of an ending relationship. Just out with it.” 

Steve huffs and finishes his drink, “Fine. Peggy and I have been dating for four years, so I decided to propose. Then she turned me down and said she wants to figure herself out.” he mutters, before going up to the bar and ordering a shot of whiskey. He downs it in one fatal swing before sitting back down.

“Maybe you should take it easy.” Schmidt comments, moving his own drink to the side, “Your father had an addiction, remember?”

Steve raises an eyebrow and eats one of the peanuts out on the table, “Real helpful.”

Schmidt huffs a laugh and leans back in his seat, “So, what made you want to propose?”

Steve shrugs and looks away, “I love her enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her… and I thought she felt the same way.” 

“Well you couldn’t have been  _ too _ surprised. You are both young, and to be quite frank she could do…” he trails off as Steve raises his eyebrows and stares at him.

“Finish the sentence.”

“All I am saying is that you are too young to be getting engaged, I think it was a good idea she turned you down.”

Steve huffs and looks away, “Mom had a  _ baby _ when she was my age-“

“Steven.” Schmidt interrupts, “She didn’t want a baby at that age.”

“Oh thanks for that clarification.” 

They go quiet for a bit and Steve furrows his brows, “Can I ask you something?”

“I suppose.”

Steve chews on his lip and looks up at his stepfather, “Why did you steal that date from Mr. Erskine? Mom was in a really difficult place and I know he just wanted to help.”

“Petty reasons. I knew he had this, ah what’s the English word… hilarious! He had this hilariously obvious crush on your mother. I thought it would be funny to-“

“Mom thought I was dead.” he states with an undertone of anger, “Messing with him in  _ that _ situation was… it was gross.”

“Well we are both happy aren’t we?” Schmidt states, “I love Sarah, she loves me, I do not see why it matters now.”

Steve peruses his lips a bit before standing up and pushing in his chair, “I think I’m gonna turn in. Thanks for the drinks.” 

“Do you need a ride?”

Steve glances out at the stormy night and frowns, “No I’ll walk.”

“Are you sure? You could easily get a cold.”

“I’m fine.” he asserts, before pulling his hood over his head and walking out into the heavy rain.

**_Brooklyn, New York: 2001_ **

_ “Mama!” Steve exclaims in absolute joy as he sprints over to Sarah, his comically large backpack slapping against his back. She laughs and scoops her son up in her arms, giving him a kiss on the cheek. _

_ “How’s my sunshine boy doing?” she questions happily as she sets him down. _

_ “Awesome! Daddy took me to the zoo on Saturday thenthismorningwegotpancakes!” he garbles quickly, before running up to Joe, who was walking over from the parking lot, “Daddy!” _

_ “Hey buddy! How about you go talk to some of the other kids?” he suggests. Steve happily compiles and runs over to a group of little kids talking to each other. _

_ “What the hell are you doing here?” he asks quietly as Sarah glares up at him in annoyance. _

_ “Am I not allowed to come to my own son’s first day of school?” _

_ “You said you were picking up.” _

_ “Okay well then I lied.” she snips. Joe is about to say something until a few other parents walk up to them. _

_ “Which one’s yours?” one of the moms asks as Sarah perks up and points to Steve. _

_ “Steve’s that blonde boy over there with the blue backpack.” she states as he giggles and begins talking in complete gibberish with a little girl. _

_ “He’s real cute.” she states with a bit of a drawl, “I’m Meredith Quill.” she introduces, pointing to a boy playing an air guitar by himself, “Over there’s my Peter.” _

_ Sarah chuckles as she watches him. She notices Joe was over talking to the other parents and is slightly relieved by just being able to talk to her, “I’m Sarah.” _

_ “I was just lookin’ for the youngest ones here. I followed my boyfriend out to the big city then when I got pregnant with Peter, he was gone with the wind.” she states, before noticing the look on Sarah’s face, “I’m sorry that was probably too much information.” _

_ “No, no, its okay. Joe and I actually are Irish immigrants. After his father moved here for work I followed him three years later and we got married so I could stay with him in New York.” _

_ “Awww, that’s sweet.” Meredith states in a bubbly tone. Sarah nearly scoffs as she looks over at her husband. _

_ “Well, sweet at first.” she mutters as they make eye contact and glare daggers for a moment, “Steve’s the only reason we get near each other anymore.” _

_ “Oh...I guess us single ladies need to stick together huh?” she chirps, Sarah gives her a light smile in return. _

_ “Forgive me for asking but how old are you?” _

_ “24, I know I look like I could belong in a middle school.” she jokes, “I’m guessin’ you’re… 30.” _

_ “25.” Sarah chuckles, “I work twelve hour shifts some days, I know I look old and tired.” _

_ “What?! No! You look amazing!” she exclaims, reaching for her sloppy bun, “D-Do you mind if I-?” _

_ “Uh, sure.” she says awkwardly as Meredith pulls out the rubber band and shakes her sandy blonde hair a bit to give it volume. The younger woman abruptly stops and pulls her hands back, blushing a bit. _

_ “I’m sorry if I just overstepped. I’m still learnin’ how to act out here, New York’s a lot bigger than my tiny town in Missouri.” _

_ “N-No it’s okay.” Sarah assures, before Peter walks up to them holding his thumb and whimpering. _

_ “M-Mom I cut my finger.” he whines as Meredith looks between her son and Sarah before sighing. _

_ “Okay let’s get you inside.” she comforts, picking him up, “It was nice talking to you, I’ll see you around.” _

_ “It was nice talking to you too.” she says with a small smile, Meredith returns it and she feels a nice fuzzy feeling inside. It’s quickly replaced with paralyzing fear when Joe sneaks up behind her and whispers, “I see you made a friend.” into her ear. She quickly spins around and hits him in the stomach. _

_ “Joe!” she snips angrily, taking a step away from him, “Well you clearly don’t want to be.” _

_ “You want to know what I want, Sarah?” he starts with venom, she just glares at him, “For you to stop being such a bitch and act like an adult for Steve’s sake-” _

_ “Oh don’t you  _ _ dare _ _ say that I’m the childish one. I’m working my ass off to provide for  _ _ our _ _ son and what are you doing? Taking him out for fucking pancakes.” she hisses, unfortunately within earshot of a little girl wandering by. She looks up at them and cocks her head to the side a bit. _

_ “What does fucking mean?” she questions. Sarah huffs in annoyance and glares at Joe. _

_ “I have to get to work.” she growls before leaving, Joe following close behind. _

_ “No.” he sighs, “You don’t.” _

_ “Unlike you I could get fired if I-” _

_ “I’m calling you in sick and we’re going back to my apartment and talking.” he states, grabbing her arm, “Sarah, I still care about you, okay? And I hope you still care about me. For Steve’s sake can we please just talk?” _

_ She clenches her jaw angrily, before looking over at Steve. Dammit, she loved him so much, “Fine.” she states through gritted teeth, before walking over and bending down to kiss Steve on the head, “Your father and I are gonna go now, I’ll see you at three.” she says as Steve wraps his small arms around her. _

_ “Okay bye!” he chirps before running off, leaving her stunned. _

_ “I love you…” she trails off as Joe walks over and snorts a laugh. _

_ “He’s growing up so fast.” he comments as Sarah nods and stands up. _

_ “I hate to admit it but he’s starting to look more like you.” _

_ “Why do you hate to admit it?” _

_ “Because you’re still a jackass.” she states with a sly grin.  _

_ (two hours later) _

_ “You smoke?” Sarah questions in shock as she steps out of the bathroom. She was freshly showered and dried off, but didn’t bother to wear a towel as she goes to her clothes. Joe shirtlessly walks out onto patio and takes a long draw from his cigarette. _

_ “Post coital only.” he states, flashing a sharp toothed grin, “I only do it out here, and I make sure Steve’s never home.” _

_ She rolls her eyes and slides on her underwear and pants, “It's still bad for you.” _

_ “I know.” he states, putting it out on the railing and flicking it off the side of the building. He walks inside and helps hook her bra. _

_ “You’re much better at putting this on then taking it off.” she comments as Joe rolls his eyes and hands her her shirt. _

_ “When are your parents coming in?” _

_ “Thursday, why?” she questions, “I’m keeping Steve over the weekend by the way, they want to spend time with him.” _

_ “For the week, I’d be willing to pretend we’re a happy little family.” he offers, “Maybe just to see what it’s like.” _

_ “You want to test run our family?” she inquires suspiciously. _

_ Joe huffs and goes over to the bed, fixing the sheets a bit, “I can take the offer back.” _

_ Sarah bites her lip and walks over to him, sitting down on the bed, “I’ll think about it.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for the chapter coming out sort of late, it was a mix of me having writers block then my beta and my schedules not really lining up that kept pushing this back


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